Dear faber castell:

I may not get an answer from you, so I figured I might as well comment on my extensive reading of your threads yesterday, hoping I can offer you something of value.

The thought I had yesterday as to the reason your “sexual energy feels weird, old, turned off” is Relationship Fatigue, a term I came up with yesterday. You are simply tired and discouraged because of too many discouraging experiences for too long.

The first guy you shared about, the one who told you that he thought that a combination of your brains and personality with another woman’s face “would be just perfect & ideal woman”-  what his comment led you to think was that “guys don’t really find me that attractive”. What his comment led me to think was the following: “just perfect & ideal woman” for what? For a … better sexual experience for the guy? And/ or for showing the woman off to work colleagues and better his career? And/or.. what?

The second guy you shared about, the one who had sex with you that morning after he formed the intent to break up with you, not telling you his intent- you later referred to it as “something very similar to sexual abuse”. My thoughts about it: do not underestimate a person’s motivation to have sex. Mating is a very strong motivation in other animals, driving males to perform extraordinary rituals so to attract a female. When a male in nature goes through those rituals, he is motivated by excitement. Same is true to humans, and men in particular. They get all excited. That excitement has nothing to do with anything other than the chemicals rushing in the blood, the physical happenings in the body.

The “something new” that I suggested to you in the context of relationships would be: find out a person’s motivation: what does he (or she) values, what does he want from you?

-if the man wants a sexual relationship alone, better you know that and figure if this is what you want. Maybe he wants to get married, find that out. Get to know the person before getting physically involved, especially now, that you are “turned off”.

Get to  know him, have long conversations, over time, in a coffee place or in a park, sitting on the grass and talking.

Physical beauty is really a personal thing. Men have found you beautiful in the past, and so, some men will think of you as beautiful in the future. And the more there is a meeting-of-the-minds between you and a future man (or woman), the more beautiful you will appear to him. Keep being honest with the person, see to it that he is honest with you, let time go by with no sex, and your energy will come back when it is wise for it to come back, I hope.

anita