Dear anita

It is actually really scary to fall back into old patterns. It like running away from prison and feeling free only to be dragged back in, the fear is that this time there will be more locks added, it will be harder to break out.

I am trying to understand what got triggered in me, so I am typing what happened, to help me and you see what happened “in” me.  Now as you know, I am a junior developer and there are two others like me that were moved to our team ( every time before this that I mentioned other juniors, it was these two),  they came in exploding with energy, churning out projects. Since I joined, I was always cowering in fear, procrastinating, and although i did do well at times, it was nowhere near these guys, so when they joined our team, my manager, who was already criticizing me for being slow, had two dazzling rock stars to shift his focus to. I was already insecure when i joined my team and was the only junior, now I was actually facing the brunt of that. I was not getting the kind of projects they were, and even my unproductive seniors now go to shine standing behind these juniors and I could sense their judgement. We have to create a portfolio to apply for our upcoming promotion, coming up in 2 months. I hate that one good project got away just as I was finally gaining some momentum. I regret not being able to act in my best interest. I am always too late, i look at other people’s success and live in a state of regret for not being able to work for what I want – need actually, it validates me as an engineer. I never rise up to the occasion. And the humiliation of being left behind in a promotion – I have yet to soar when given the oppurtunity – college entrance exams and now projects, my promotion will join the list. I am not shallow to think my worth is dependent on my promotion, but i am not strong yet to completely discount others’ opinions, and who doesn’t like a promotion – it gives a hike and proof of being a capable employee.

I am crying every time i think about this. This feeling – I want to break out of being slow, being reactive and not proactive, yet I have never been able to define what I truly want. It is like I am in a washing machine, and someone else is turning it on and off as they wish. I am really tired.

Girija