Dear Dan:

You are welcome. I read and studied your posts for four hours or more yesterday and I have some input for you related to what you wrote in your most recent post:

When your mother had an affair, that is, when your mother had sex with another man while married to your father, your mother did something wrong. The consequences of her wrongdoing was the breaking of your family, and your separation at about 10 years old,  from your mother and from your siblings for years. You were angry at her for… choosing sex over you, for betraying you over sex with another man. But a boy feels guilty for being angry at his mother, no matter what she does. You drowned your anger in drugs instead of feeling it, but the anger was always there.

What happened in 2011 is that you shifted your anger from one woman to another. Problem is your mother was married when she had sex with another man, and she allowed the situation to be where her son was  no longer in her life.

But your son’s mother was not married/ not in any relationship with you when she had sex with another man or men and she did not allow a situation to be where she was no longer in her son’s life.

It is your mother who is guilty perhaps of choosing sex over you, not your son’s mother. Your son’s mother is still with her son, he is not separated from her.

You wrote: “You might be right about her wishing she never met me. But anything I’ve felt of made her feel was a result of her actions. Which, if she does wish she never met me, it is all her own fault”- not true. You wrote this untruth repeatedly in your threads: all is her fault. Not only is it not true, it is far from the truth:

– she and you are equally responsible for her getting pregnant with your child.

– she didn’t hurt the fetus in her when she had sex, no physical harm whatsoever. There is no law against having sex while pregnant. There was no commitment to you that she broke because you were not in a relationship. I understand it makes you want to vomit thinking about it, but outside how it feels to you, there was no  wrongdoing on her part.

– you are responsible for harassing her on and off for about seven years, it was your wrongdoing.

In summary: it is not you who should forgive her. If forgiveness is appropriate, then it would be she and your son who will need to forgive you if you change your ways and stop exacting revenge from the mother of your child, and in so doing harming her and your son.

“My son means the world to me. He is the number 1 in my life”- not true from what I read. You have seen him as a possession, something you own. You never mentioned his thoughts, his feelings, who he is as a little person. No mention of special, close moments between you and him.

At some point in this thread you mentioned that you talked with your son on the phone for the first time since his birthday, for a whole month you didn’t talk with him.

The ongoing emotion in your threads is intense anger aka hate, rage and the desire for revenge. Your focus, your number 1 has been revenge.

In context of your son and his mother, it is you, Dan, who is in the wrong. I hope you right the wrong that you are responsible for.

anita