Dear Ly14:

Maybe I will be able to offer you something of value if I know more. Therefore I ask:

1. You wrote that he asked you to marry him, you said yes but your parents do not know yet and will disapprove. Do your parents know that you’ve been dating him for three years, do they disapprove of him as a boyfriend for you or as a husband, or both?

2. If you marry him, what will your financial situation be (“we do not have much money”)- do you have plans regarding work and income, housing and having your own children?

3. About how old are you and him and can you tell me a bit about your relationship history?

4. Are you currently living with your parents and what is your experience with your parents now and in the past?

5. Are you sometimes relaxed and “into him” when sexually active with him or is it always anxiety-filled for you?

– I will be back to the computer in a bit over an hour from now.

anita

Dear Ly14:

“I do suffer from anxiety. I come in and out of it. When I get these bad thoughts they immediately make me feel sick to my stomach and I don’t like them”- yes, you suffer from anxiety.

I didn’t know it for most of my life but now I know- everyone suffers from anxiety; anxiety is the human condition.

In other words every human is afraid every single day. Not all the time but we all “come in and out of it”. Many like you feel sick to their stomach, others feel a bit dizzy, heart pounding, sweating and just awful, just like you. We feel it more intensely at times, less intensely at other times and we all don’t want to feel it.

Every human who can think and see images in their brain, sometimes thinks and imagines illness, injury, death of oneself and the people we care about, losing one’s job etc. Every time we have a thought or an image of these things we automatically feel fear. Every day we are reminded of such dangers as we see a person walking the street with a cast on their arm or we hear an add for burial insurance, or we hear about a person getting fired, so we think of these things every day and we get a bit scared every time.

There are ways to lessen and lessen anxiety over time. Look at your life and see what helpful changes you can make so to lessen anxiety: end or limit contact with people who increase your anxiety, choose how you spend your time every day, incorporate as needed such things as guided meditation, Mindfulness exercises, walks outdoor, some daily exercise, yoga maybe, and so forth.

“Sometimes I will fantasize about other guys and it feels nice but also makes me feel awful”- your brain is yours, you can think and imagine anything you want. No one outside of you has the right to disallow any kind of thoughts, images and feelings to occur in your brain. After all, you don’t know their thoughts and what they imagine and feel. They don’t know yours if you don’t tell them. In other words, your thoughts and feelings are your business.

Once you notice that you started fantasizing about other guys and you disapprove of it yourself, then gently stop the fantasy, don’t beat yourself up for having fantasized, don’t judge yourself as a bad girlfriend or a bad person. We are not guilty of thoughts or feelings that we don’t choose, these just happen. We are responsible for what we do, not for what we happen to think, feel and imagine.

“we are in a rut because we do not have much money”- go out as a couple and do something fun that costs little to no money, go out and be around people who are having fun and are nice to each other, winding down from a busy day.

“Whenever he wants to be intimate I get a wave of anxiety and it makes me feel awful so I avoid it”- when that happens, do postpone it for a better time, maybe after you return from an evening out (the paragraph above) and you are relaxed and pleased for having spent some fun time out.

If your boyfriend doesn’t want to go out because he thinks it is better to save the money, be assertive with him. Assertiveness is a necessary skill in the quest of lessening anxiety. And if he learns that you are more inclined to have sex with him after going out, he will be motivated, I would think.

“Thoughts pop into my head maybe I should.. “- when your anxiety is up, your ability to think logically and sensibly goes down. So better not think when the anxiety is up. Calm down and when you are calm then resume thinking.

“I look at websites to see if I am in love”- bad idea. Choose your sources of information in every area of life.  Research your sources of information.

“my parents.. do not like him and are hoping it fails. It affects me… we do struggle massively as they are older and very judgmental.. I was adopted and they saved my life so I feel indebted to them”- if they saved your life, better they don’t operate so the life they saved is a miserable life!

If your parents increase your anxiety, better continue to live away from them and limit contact. If necessary, end contact with them.

“I am progressing in my career so I will be moving up financially but we would not have money for a wedding for a while… we seem to live pay check to pay check… I do work a lot.. I’m tired a lot due to  it… I definitely want to be financially free and so does he. He has started a new job…”-

-going out and having fun is necessary then, everyone needs a treat after a day of hard work, a nice evening out or something fun to do on a weekend. Work, work work and no play will harm your plans to be financially free because you will be too drained and not refreshed and your functioning at work and elsewhere will be lessened.

anita