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This topic contains 7 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month ago.

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  • #289801

    Ly14
    Participant

    Hi,

     

    i need some advice. I have been with my partner for over 3 years.  I have been questioning if I love him or not.  Sometimes I will fantasize about other guys and it feels nice but also makes me feel awful.  I love being with him but I feel like we are in a rut because we do not have much money.  Whenever he wants to be intimate I get a wave of anxiety and it makes me feel awful so I avoid it. There are times when I want to have it but then I start to question if I’m into it do I want to do this and it makes me not enjoy it. I feel as if I automatically putting  a wall up and just kinda want it over. He doesn’t understand my anxiety so we don’t really talk about it because he starts to think I’m not into him.  Some weeks I feel fine and can go on with life but others I just can’t stop thinking about if I love him or if I’m attracted to him. He has just proposed and part of me was thinking I hope he doesn’t as i have been so up and down and I kinda knew it was coming. That thought made me feel awful. I said yes but my anxiety is awful again.  It doesn’t help that we can’t even tell my parents as they will disagree. We came close to breaking up and the thought pops into my head but then I just could not do it. Thoughts pop into my head maybe I should and I don’t like then the I get a guilty feeling of if I’m leading him On.  I looked at websites to see if i am in love and most of them were fine but i found one that seemed to match and now I am panicking. I feel as if I have completely lost myself and can’t think straight. Please could you advise me on my post on if I have rocd or if I am in denial

    #289831

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ly14:

    Maybe I will be able to offer you something of value if I know more. Therefore I ask:

    1. You wrote that he asked you to marry him, you said yes but your parents do not know yet and will disapprove. Do your parents know that you’ve been dating him for three years, do they disapprove of him as a boyfriend for you or as a husband, or both?

    2. If you marry him, what will your financial situation be (“we do not have much money”)- do you have plans regarding work and income, housing and having your own children?

    3. About how old are you and him and can you tell me a bit about your relationship history?

    4. Are you currently living with your parents and what is your experience with your parents now and in the past?

    5. Are you sometimes relaxed and “into him” when sexually active with him or is it always anxiety-filled for you?

    – I will be back to the computer in a bit over an hour from now.

    anita

    #289835

    Ly14
    Participant

    Hi,

    my parents know we are living together but they do not like him and are hoping it fails. It affects me but I do not think it is the main reason for this.

    not great. I am progressing in my career so I will be moving up financially but we would not have money for a wedding for a while.

    i just turned 30 and he is 34. We met in England but I am not from here and moved here for him. We have been together 3 years. We did move in quickly  and live with his parents for a couple of years. We now live on our own but we do not do much as we seem to live pay check to pay check. So our lives are not as exciting as I would like.  I do work a lot so part of it might be my fault as well and I’m tired a lot due to it

    no I would not be able to live with my parents.  I love them dearly but we do struggle massively as they are older and very judgmental.  I am old enough to go on with life but i was adopted and they saved my life so I feel indebted to them. I want them to like him.

    Yes but it’s more the often anxiety spike in a way. Then I think oh I’m actually into this and I’m thinking too much and it goes away and I start thinking am I into this,  will I get turned on. That ovb does not help me at all. I feel like I avoid it. But I do want to have sex.

    #289837

    Ly14
    Participant

    We both want children

    #289849

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ly14:

    As I see it now, from a quick glance at your situation, I would not label your situation an Rocd situation. I think that you are unsatisfied in your life as it is, dissatisfied, discontent. You don’t want the life you have, living from paycheck to paycheck. You want a different life.

    I imagine that if you marry him and live from paycheck to paycheck year after year, having children and being even more stressed financially, that is not a good way for you to live, your anxiety will intensify, your distress increase and you will not be a good wife to him or a good mother to your children.

    I need to get away from the computer for about 14 hours. Like I wrote, this is a quick glance at your situation from the little information I have. Please write your thoughts and feelings about what I posted here and add any information that may be relevant. I will read and reply to you when I am back

    anita

     

    #289889

    Ly14
    Participant

    Thank you for that. I never really thought of it in that way.  I definitely want to be financially free and so does he. He has started a new job which will be more money and so am I.

    Thank you

    #289901

    Ly14
    Participant

    I do suffer from anxiety. I come in and out of it. When I get these bad thoughts they immediately make me feel sick to my stomach and I don’t like them. I feel awful.

    #289905

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ly14:

    “I do suffer from anxiety. I come in and out of it. When I get these bad thoughts they immediately make me feel sick to my stomach and I don’t like them”- yes, you suffer from anxiety.

    I didn’t know it for most of my life but now I know- everyone suffers from anxiety; anxiety is the human condition.

    In other words every human is afraid every single day. Not all the time but we all “come in and out of it”. Many like you feel sick to their stomach, others feel a bit dizzy, heart pounding, sweating and just awful, just like you. We feel it more intensely at times, less intensely at other times and we all don’t want to feel it.

    Every human who can think and see images in their brain, sometimes thinks and imagines illness, injury, death of oneself and the people we care about, losing one’s job etc. Every time we have a thought or an image of these things we automatically feel fear. Every day we are reminded of such dangers as we see a person walking the street with a cast on their arm or we hear an add for burial insurance, or we hear about a person getting fired, so we think of these things every day and we get a bit scared every time.

    There are ways to lessen and lessen anxiety over time. Look at your life and see what helpful changes you can make so to lessen anxiety: end or limit contact with people who increase your anxiety, choose how you spend your time every day, incorporate as needed such things as guided meditation, Mindfulness exercises, walks outdoor, some daily exercise, yoga maybe, and so forth.

    “Sometimes I will fantasize about other guys and it feels nice but also makes me feel awful”- your brain is yours, you can think and imagine anything you want. No one outside of you has the right to disallow any kind of thoughts, images and feelings to occur in your brain. After all, you don’t know their thoughts and what they imagine and feel. They don’t know yours if you don’t tell them. In other words, your thoughts and feelings are your business.

    Once you notice that you started fantasizing about other guys and you disapprove of it yourself, then gently stop the fantasy, don’t beat yourself up for having fantasized, don’t judge yourself as a bad girlfriend or a bad person. We are not guilty of thoughts or feelings that we don’t choose, these just happen. We are responsible for what we do, not for what we happen to think, feel and imagine.

    “we are in a rut because we do not have much money”- go out as a couple and do something fun that costs little to no money, go out and be around people who are having fun and are nice to each other, winding down from a busy day.

    “Whenever he wants to be intimate I get a wave of anxiety and it makes me feel awful so I avoid it”- when that happens, do postpone it for a better time, maybe after you return from an evening out (the paragraph above) and you are relaxed and pleased for having spent some fun time out.

    If your boyfriend doesn’t want to go out because he thinks it is better to save the money, be assertive with him. Assertiveness is a necessary skill in the quest of lessening anxiety. And if he learns that you are more inclined to have sex with him after going out, he will be motivated, I would think.

    “Thoughts pop into my head maybe I should.. “- when your anxiety is up, your ability to think logically and sensibly goes down. So better not think when the anxiety is up. Calm down and when you are calm then resume thinking.

    “I look at websites to see if I am in love”- bad idea. Choose your sources of information in every area of life.  Research your sources of information.

    “my parents.. do not like him and are hoping it fails. It affects me… we do struggle massively as they are older and very judgmental.. I was adopted and they saved my life so I feel indebted to them”- if they saved your life, better they don’t operate so the life they saved is a miserable life!

    If your parents increase your anxiety, better continue to live away from them and limit contact. If necessary, end contact with them.

    “I am progressing in my career so I will be moving up financially but we would not have money for a wedding for a while… we seem to live pay check to pay check… I do work a lot.. I’m tired a lot due to  it… I definitely want to be financially free and so does he. He has started a new job…”-

    -going out and having fun is necessary then, everyone needs a treat after a day of hard work, a nice evening out or something fun to do on a weekend. Work, work work and no play will harm your plans to be financially free because you will be too drained and not refreshed and your functioning at work and elsewhere will be lessened.

    anita

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