Dear Cali Chica:

Before I read all of your recent post, I want to answer “what about relating, honest, relating, back and forth, the real thing?” myself, what it means to me personally (my last post to you was highly personal): it means that only recently did I find myself calm enough, in person, talking to people. Before I was highly self critical while in the presence of others, so much so, that I was not … free to express myself for a while minute, let’s say. I was afraid much of the time, afraid of the other person’s criticism of me, too distracted by the inner voice/ mother’s mental rep to hear what the other was saying, to really listen. That mental rep is not gone, I am still afraid from time to time, but with less fear there is more of me.

When I think of you, Cali Chica, and the sentence I quoted in the beginning of my post (and again, I didn’t read most of your recent post), what do I see, I ask myself now. I think I do see a scared CC. Not self conscious like I have been most of my life, way more socially skilled that I was. Definitely more functional than I was in many ways. But scared nonetheless.  I will submit this and go back to reading your post.

anita