Hey Griff.

Understand completely about how you feel about how it would have been easier if she had died.  That way, you would ‘only’ be dealing with the loss of her whereas you are dealing with the pain of being rejected and losing your whole life that was built around her as well as herself. It’s a triple-whammy and hits co-dependent, low self-esteem people particularly hard.

Be assured though, having felt ok for a while, you will do so again. You are going through one more loop of facing the fear of having to accept this change.  Your brain is screaming at you to return to the known safety and comfort of your old life whilst simultaneously knowing it can’t. I went through many such loops but they lessened in both intensity and frequency eventually with time.  Eventually it becomes more of a dull sadness with acceptance and for me, eventually gratitude as part of determining who and where I am today.

So wait it out and try to accept the fear – the more you fight it the longer it lasts and the stronger it gets. It is scary, your whole life has been turned upside down and so no wonder you are looking to cling to what what was, what was safe. Did something happen that especially spooked you, made you feel insecure in your new life? It often triggers such a loop of wanting to go backwards. But you are ok, you are doing ok at times, that is better than before. And so try to recognise this is as much about wanting to feel safe & secure again, as you did in your old life than it is about wanting her, though I understand the two are tightly wrapped together in your mind at the moment. Talk about your fears to others, on here, recognising and naming them and working through them is a way to weaken their grip on you.

Take care and let us know how you get on, good and bad.

@Shelby. Yes, that’s me, onwards and upwards! Well, life is short as we’ve said so always trying to make the most of what I spend my time on and they were bargain flights.

That’s families for you, we’ll just politely ignore all that and move on shall we…..back to normal please…glad no lasting damage though. And happy to hear you are back at therapy, hope it goes well and you have a good recovery day today.