Hi Kkasxo,

You have had such a path of growth already. You recognise triggers, you don’t try to run from emotion/memories, you don’t let a spiral take control, you realise things have to be felt to be released…..I mean, can we just take a moment? What incredible work you have done! I’m proud of you, even though I have no place in your life to be! But it feels a long time ago since last October when I ‘met’ you first. You’re not the same now as you were then. Wow, you clever lady!

When someone says that objectively….oh Shelby you’re considering quitting your job & going travelling, I feel like it sounds like I’m doing well and have come full circle and don’t even need this particularly titled thread anymore. But ya know, it’s still not the case. I’m still heartbroken, I still miss him massively and can’t see myself moving on and ye, I’m aware of this sounding like further holding on…..as if I’m saying, hang on people, I’m not okay, I’m sad, I’m broken, I have to hold on to that cos if I don’t, I’ve nothing left. I dunno if that makes sense. But I still feel for and think about my ex too much I think and until I hop on a plane, never looking back & excited for my new future, I’m still not gonna be healed!

If I do this trip, part of it is going to be spent given to thoughts of him. It would have been ideal if I had done this travel before meeting him and truly immersed myself in the experience but I am where I am now and I have to play the cards I’m dealt.

Something weird happened this evening. My Dad arrived back and as I do each evening I hopped up out of his comfy chair and handed him the remote for the tv, it’s one of simple pleasures in a life that is mostly spent working extremely hard outside. Anyway he joked and said ‘I don’t know what we’ll do in the winter with just one tv’. It’s not so bad now as the long days mean he doesn’t come in until much later. But something struck me. The assumption I would be here in the winter. And of course why wouldn’t I be? I’ve been here every winter and nothing to indicate I’m about to leave, prior to this there were at least prospects with my ex, but now, not much chance in his eyes. But I got a startle, like I nearly felt I just wouldn’t be here for the winter and that was nothing conscious in me, as ye know I have no plan for the future. But something deep in me, just felt bad because he was talking about what he sees happening and I nearly felt like I was lying, because I didn’t feel somewhere deep down that I’d be part of that vision anymore. Anyway, probably just reading into things too much!

Im glad your family are waiting a little longer, it will really give you a chance to settle and put in a good foundation for yourself before they go. Maybe it’s happening then as it should?