Michelle,

Thanks so much for your help, I honestly don’t know what I would do without Tiny Buddha.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’m all over the place. Had another argument with my sisters today. We were on group chat and my older sister asked for skincare advice and I started explaining that it will take time and I was blunt about her not putting a huge investment into her skin for many years so it will take a while to improve it, but they really berated me for the way I spoke. I completely see from their point of view but it wasn’t intended as mean or malicious, I was only factually trying to explain why it will take some time.

My younger sister texted me separately and said my tone was too full-on. A few wks back we had a group argument again where my sisters felt my tone was too severe on the messages. I apologised in person to my older sister that day to keep the peace as I didn’t want a bad atmosphere. Anyway this is just bickering but I feel because I feel so low, it makes me feel like who I am is not good enough. Only happy go lucky obliging Shelby is acceptable. But then I try to take myself out of the situation and see it from their point of view and try to see am I a complete cow and is it ME who’s the problem.

I have a headache since yesterday from crying. I also know I’ve reduced my medication with the aim of being off it by Sept but I’m disappointed in myself if this is the reaction. I honestly believed I was doing well in myself and don’t need it anymore.

I don’t really know who I am. Maybe I never knew, but at least when I was younger I thought I knew and ignorance is bliss. I honestly do not want to cause any friction with anyone, especially family cos they’re my closest friends, but it seems to constantly keep happening. I find myself biting my tongue 4-5 a days with my Dad.

Thank you for sharing your insight with me. At this point I can’t see how I will ever feel anything close to happy, I just feel everyday is a hard struggle of self awareness that has made my life worse not better.

I have a HUGE amount of friends and family and now while i’be always nurtured those relationships, I wonder have I just been a try-hard. I do all the texting, I do all the visiting, I make the requests to meet up. If I pulled back and didn’t do this, I don’t think people would go out of their way to have me in their lives. They’re all good people but they have their own lives and maybe I’m not as valuable as I thought.

I had tickets to go to a gig tonight but I’m not in the mood, so I’ve passed them on to a friend. Supposed to be going for a walk with my cousin later. But my tummy is all icky now with the conflict with my sisters. But yet, I don’t want to just apologise to ‘sweep it under the carpet again’.

Lordie this thread ya really gone down a rabbit hole in my head since the reason I first started it! I’m sorry!