Would do anything for a friend or somebody to talk to.

I am at my lowest point right now or maybe it sinks lower than this, anything lower than this would be suicide. I have never thought of such a complicated life before, what I am living right now. I am not clearly over my ex, I loved him but he abused me verbally frequently called me things like slut and more demeaning things. The abuse started from the initial months, like the third month maybe. But he was always there for me, there was not a day or moment when he was not there, he demeaned me and looked down upon me. But he was always there
He even physically abused me and threatened to suicide from my balcony window many times, three times he actually was about to do it or atleast pretended to. But then he didn’t, i stopped him. Few days ago, I finally took the courage to block him everywhere and went no  contact. I tried doing many times but i failed and this is the longest I have gone this time. I keep crying because of the memories we have and it is very painful. Also I was able to do this because I had joined tinder a month ago, just to talk to somebody normal. As conversations
with my ex would be about suffering and were very painful. It would all end up in an argument. So this new guy i started talking to 2 months ago he helped me alot but then he told me he likes me and we went into a relationship, mostly from his side. I was still talking to my ex on long distance and both were not aware. The new guy used to shower me attention and lovey dovey stuff but from three days he is been cold and aloof. He is a nice person, but i cannot give him unconditional support and love which i did to my ex. Things are different with the new guy, he does not need much attention but i feel nervous around him. These days he does not care much and talks to me whenever he wants to. Obviously,  he has work and responsibilities like taking care of his parents but it does not take alot to text somebody a bit more frequently.
It is usually just stuff like did u have dinner, thats all. before it was more interactive. But he misleads me tells me that I am his partner and we are different. And our relation is meaningful.

I love my ex but he told me some mean stuff which i could not deal with, he told me things like if my mom had died, a slut like me would never be born, During our relationship i never even spoke to anybody or looked or thought of anybody. He was it for me, the one for me. I would love him so dearly. I would look at him and feel that existence gave me the best ever, that he is so

sorted, if only he could love me the way i love him. I miss holding him, touching him and looking in his eyes.

I only downloaded tinder because that day i wanted to speak to somebody normal, so i spoke to the new guy and deleted it, after a month again i downloaded it and found the same guy and we got close.