Hello,

I’m not sure if anyone can help me but here it goes…

I broke up with my girlfriend last week under the guise that she was talking or texting other guys behind my back.  I’ve had these insecurities since we started dating, as it was only a matter of a few weeks between her finishing her previous relationship and us beginning ours.

It was my first relationship and we met during school.  It didn’t begin slowly as I moved into a new place and automatically I wanted her over all the time.  We were spending most days together and most nights and I was planning lots of dates for us to go on together.  It was us seeing each other for five days of our week and then one day (at least) during weekends.  As school was finishing up, she started to take more shifts for work and I felt neglected.  During this time she was also brought up her ex a few times, but I was bringing him up even more because I thought she would want to talk through it, but it almost became obsessive to me, as she mentioned she would have married him.  Also, her immigration lawyer who she was and still is working with was her ex previous to the one I mentioned.  All in all I thought it was hurtful and decided to take a break leading to an eventual breakup (end of July).

She took me back after two weeks, and I promised things were to be better, but I didn’t solve any of my possessiveness/insecurity issues that were causing strain.  Eventually I started looking through her phone and was chasing ghosts.  She had also opened an Instagram and I thought Tinder, which made me scared because she was frustrated with her relationship to the lawyer that she found her ex during that relationship.  The lawyer was not making time for her and the ex really gave her a mature relationship, gifts, security (he said they would marry after two years) and a sense of belonging.  She really seemed so happy in those pictures and I felt jealous.

During all these times I felt funny and iffy about our love, and thought maybe it was just a relationship of convenience.  We also had large culture differences, as she believed the man should provide everything to the relationship.  Conversations of going “Dutch” were a nonstarter, and I felt like I deserved a bit more out of what I was giving, though she cooked for me and cared for me after school and on weekends.

Because of these issues I felt like my parents, grandparents and my brother and his girlfriend were a good soundingboard because I thought their experience would help me clear up the differences, but they only really had my interests in hand.  They began to resent her for making me drive her and spend money on her when we were making the same amount of money, and thought I needed a girl that would not bring up her ex and make me feel secure.  We ended up breaking up at the end of July as I told her to go back to her ex because he could do all those things for her without issue, and he was older (33) than us.  I’m 27 and she’s 26.

We got back in August and things were steadier because I was working and I was starting to see her side of things more clearly.  But I would miss time from work ruminating about the relationship and feeling worthless about my anxiety and depression.  My brother’s girlfriend without even meeting her then got mad that she was neglecting me and treating me poorly, not paying for me or her share of things (though she takes care of her rent, clothes, food, etc., just not dates), and feeling like I was being used.

I took umbrage with the whole spending situation too, as I felt like I could use at least a little bit of help.  A compromise could’ve been found but it went against her idea of dating, and felt if she wanted to go to a restaurant and pay for herself, she didn’t need to do that with a boyfriend.

I am very close to my parents and grandparents, and would vent because I felt sad and underappreciated.  I felt like the relationship was on her terms but she was slowly changing and started offering to pay for *some* meals, but I felt ridiculous that she even offered.  We went on a nice trip at the end of August and the whole time I felt like she was taking pictures that she would eventually use on social media, or when she was on her phone that she was talking to other guys.  I checked her phone a few times during that trip and saw she was texting a few guys from back home but it didn’t seem flirty, though she sent one guy money.  I thought that was insulting considering I was her boyfriend and why should this guy get money from her.

I broke up with her at the beginning of September, right before she was scheduled for an immigration hearing and right before her birthday.  I abandoned her at a tough time in her life, but I felt like I was only being squeezed into her life when there was nothing else she had to do.

We’ve been seeing each other since, as I took her out for her birthday because I felt awful about the whole thing.  I felt like I made my issues out to be so much more than they were, and painted her in a bad light to my family and even friends.

I asked her last night if we can get back together because I still love her, but she said she is tired of everything and that I’m not ready to handle a serious relationship like the one we had.  She said I have to grow up and not be controlled by my family’s opinions and do what I want.  But I feel like I could not just have issues with my family like that who have been there for me throughout my whole life.  She says I need to find out what I want, and that in time I will, and that my next girlfriend will be so happy to have me, and that she needs to find another man who is more serious about the relationship.

I’m confused as I don’t know if I threw away something wrong or right.  She was my first girlfriend and we even discussed kids and a future together.  She really liked me and I don’t know what to do.  She wants to remain friends and asked me if one day I will accept her invitation to be at her wedding.  I said yes, but it’s hard to stomach even imagining her with another man.  I imagine this will be someone who will stand up for her, is mature, makes lots of money and a great life for her and her kids, and will be there for her no matter what.  I imagined myself to be that guy only a few weeks ago.