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This topic contains 4 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 days, 21 hours ago.

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  • #311709

    Jason
    Participant

    Hello,

    I’m not sure if anyone can help me but here it goes…

    I broke up with my girlfriend last week under the guise that she was talking or texting other guys behind my back.  I’ve had these insecurities since we started dating, as it was only a matter of a few weeks between her finishing her previous relationship and us beginning ours.

    It was my first relationship and we met during school.  It didn’t begin slowly as I moved into a new place and automatically I wanted her over all the time.  We were spending most days together and most nights and I was planning lots of dates for us to go on together.  It was us seeing each other for five days of our week and then one day (at least) during weekends.  As school was finishing up, she started to take more shifts for work and I felt neglected.  During this time she was also brought up her ex a few times, but I was bringing him up even more because I thought she would want to talk through it, but it almost became obsessive to me, as she mentioned she would have married him.  Also, her immigration lawyer who she was and still is working with was her ex previous to the one I mentioned.  All in all I thought it was hurtful and decided to take a break leading to an eventual breakup (end of July).

    She took me back after two weeks, and I promised things were to be better, but I didn’t solve any of my possessiveness/insecurity issues that were causing strain.  Eventually I started looking through her phone and was chasing ghosts.  She had also opened an Instagram and I thought Tinder, which made me scared because she was frustrated with her relationship to the lawyer that she found her ex during that relationship.  The lawyer was not making time for her and the ex really gave her a mature relationship, gifts, security (he said they would marry after two years) and a sense of belonging.  She really seemed so happy in those pictures and I felt jealous.

    During all these times I felt funny and iffy about our love, and thought maybe it was just a relationship of convenience.  We also had large culture differences, as she believed the man should provide everything to the relationship.  Conversations of going “Dutch” were a nonstarter, and I felt like I deserved a bit more out of what I was giving, though she cooked for me and cared for me after school and on weekends.

    Because of these issues I felt like my parents, grandparents and my brother and his girlfriend were a good soundingboard because I thought their experience would help me clear up the differences, but they only really had my interests in hand.  They began to resent her for making me drive her and spend money on her when we were making the same amount of money, and thought I needed a girl that would not bring up her ex and make me feel secure.  We ended up breaking up at the end of July as I told her to go back to her ex because he could do all those things for her without issue, and he was older (33) than us.  I’m 27 and she’s 26.

    We got back in August and things were steadier because I was working and I was starting to see her side of things more clearly.  But I would miss time from work ruminating about the relationship and feeling worthless about my anxiety and depression.  My brother’s girlfriend without even meeting her then got mad that she was neglecting me and treating me poorly, not paying for me or her share of things (though she takes care of her rent, clothes, food, etc., just not dates), and feeling like I was being used.

    I took umbrage with the whole spending situation too, as I felt like I could use at least a little bit of help.  A compromise could’ve been found but it went against her idea of dating, and felt if she wanted to go to a restaurant and pay for herself, she didn’t need to do that with a boyfriend.

    I am very close to my parents and grandparents, and would vent because I felt sad and underappreciated.  I felt like the relationship was on her terms but she was slowly changing and started offering to pay for *some* meals, but I felt ridiculous that she even offered.  We went on a nice trip at the end of August and the whole time I felt like she was taking pictures that she would eventually use on social media, or when she was on her phone that she was talking to other guys.  I checked her phone a few times during that trip and saw she was texting a few guys from back home but it didn’t seem flirty, though she sent one guy money.  I thought that was insulting considering I was her boyfriend and why should this guy get money from her.

    I broke up with her at the beginning of September, right before she was scheduled for an immigration hearing and right before her birthday.  I abandoned her at a tough time in her life, but I felt like I was only being squeezed into her life when there was nothing else she had to do.

    We’ve been seeing each other since, as I took her out for her birthday because I felt awful about the whole thing.  I felt like I made my issues out to be so much more than they were, and painted her in a bad light to my family and even friends.

    I asked her last night if we can get back together because I still love her, but she said she is tired of everything and that I’m not ready to handle a serious relationship like the one we had.  She said I have to grow up and not be controlled by my family’s opinions and do what I want.  But I feel like I could not just have issues with my family like that who have been there for me throughout my whole life.  She says I need to find out what I want, and that in time I will, and that my next girlfriend will be so happy to have me, and that she needs to find another man who is more serious about the relationship.

    I’m confused as I don’t know if I threw away something wrong or right.  She was my first girlfriend and we even discussed kids and a future together.  She really liked me and I don’t know what to do.  She wants to remain friends and asked me if one day I will accept her invitation to be at her wedding.  I said yes, but it’s hard to stomach even imagining her with another man.  I imagine this will be someone who will stand up for her, is mature, makes lots of money and a great life for her and her kids, and will be there for her no matter what.  I imagined myself to be that guy only a few weeks ago.

    #311723

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jason:

    I started reading your thread and will continue to read and reply when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now. I hope other members will reply to you before (and after) I return.

    anita

    #311805

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jason:

    Your first relationship: you met her at school, you are 27, she is 26. It was a fast paced beginning relationship where you “automatically.. wanted her over all the time.. spending most days together and most nights”, at least six days per week. As the school year was ending, she took more shifts at work and you felt neglected.

    Before the two of you got together she had a 33 year old boyfriend, a relationship that ended a few weeks before your relationship began. Before him she was in a relationship with an immigration lawyer for whom she worked.

    She believed that “the man should provide everything to the relationship” even though the two of you made about the same money. She did cook for you after school and on weekends, but you wanted to go Dutch on dates, and felt that you “deserved a bit more out of what I was giving”. Also, she mentioned her most recent boyfriend but you mentioned him even more often, “it almost became obsessive to me”. At one point you looked through her phone and saw photos of her with him on social media, “She really seemed so happy in those pictures and I felt jealous”.

    You talked about your frustrations with your parents, grandparents, brother and his girlfriend, and “They began to reset her for making me drive her and spend money on her when we were making the same amount of money”, and you thought you needed a girl “that would not bring up her ex and make me feel insecure”. When you broke up with her in July, you told her “to go back to her ex because he could do all  those things for her without issue”.

    You broke up with her at the end of July and got back together in August, but you missed time from work “ruminating about the relationship and feeling worthless about my anxiety and depression”. Your brother’s girlfriend who never met your girlfriend “got mad that she was neglecting me and treating me poorly, not  paying for me or her share of things (though she takes care of her rent, clothes, food, etc.., just not dates), and feeling like I was being used”.

    “but she was slowly changing and started offering to pay for.. some meals, but I felt ridiculous that she even offered”. You went to a nice trip at the end of August but you were upset over the fact that she took many pictures and that she “was on her phone that she was talking to other guys”. You checked her phone a few times during the trip and found out that she texted a few guys but “it didn’t seem flirty”, but she sent a guy money and you “thought that was insulting considering I was her boyfriend and why should this guy get money from her”.

    And so, you broke up with her again at the beginning of September, “I felt like I was only being squeezed into her life when there was nothing else she had to do. The night before last you asked her to get back together but she is not interested, saying  “she is tired of everything” and that you “have to grow up and not be controlled by my family’s opinions and do what I want”.

    “I’m confused as I don’t know if I threw away something wrong or right”. She wants to remain friends and suggested you attend her wedding in the future. “it’s hard to stomach even imagining her with another man. I imagine this will be someone who will stand up for her, is mature, makes lots of money and a great life for her and her kids, and will be there for her no matter what. I imagined myself to be that guy only a few weeks ago”.

    My thoughts: in the heart of the matter is what fueled your feelings of being used and neglected by this woman, what fueled your feeling “of being squeezed into her life when there was nothing else she had to do”, what fueled your jealousy that she was happy with a previous boyfriend but not with you… what fueled your upset when she started working more shifts and had less time for you, what fueled your upset that she didn’t pay her share of dates and that she sent money to another guy-

    What fueled all this hurt and anger and upset is your childhood experience of the same: either you as a child were not the preferred one in any of your parent’s mind and heart, maybe they paid more attention to a sibling, or to strangers… but not  to you or you witnessed one of your parents being used and neglected by the other and you felt a lot  of empathy for the used and neglected parent.

    Find out the childhood experience that has been fueling your distress in this first relationship with a woman, and that will be a start.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

     

    #312289

    Jason
    Participant

    I grew up with an older brother but I was born with kidney problems, so I was always given preferential treatment and favored.  I don’t know where these issues are coming from.

    I just found out last night that she has already started dating another guy, only nine days after our relationship ended.  I can’t believe it.  I feel like I was tossed aside, or maybe even she was building the relationship with him during our time together – though I doubt it as I found no evidence on her phone anywhere.  She seemed to have a good time too, but she wouldn’t tell me who she was with.  I tried to call her last night many times because I thought we were both grieving and had become friends, but she already started seeing somebody and has now moved on.  I don’t feel anywhere near that point and I was the dumper.

    #312385

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jason:

    How is your health now, your kidney problems?

    I wonder if the “preferential treatment” you received from your parents, if that made you feel less-than.

    Regarding your ex girlfriend: some women (and men) are fast paced. She had quite a few relationships before you and only a few weeks in between relationships before the two of you got together. She is now in a new relationship nine days after your breakup- it is consistent with her behavior before you met her.

    See, if she was fast paced before she met you and after she met you, it means her being now in a new relationship is not about you, it is about her habitual behavior. Don’t you think?

    anita

    #313129

    cutie
    Participant

    Would do anything for a friend or somebody to talk to.

    I am at my lowest point right now or maybe it sinks lower than this, anything lower than this would be suicide. I have never thought of such a complicated life before, what I am living right now. I am not clearly over my ex, I loved him but he abused me verbally frequently called me things like slut and more demeaning things. The abuse started from the initial months, like the third month maybe. But he was always there for me, there was not a day or moment when he was not there, he demeaned me and looked down upon me. But he was always there
    He even physically abused me and threatened to suicide from my balcony window many times, three times he actually was about to do it or atleast pretended to. But then he didn’t, i stopped him. Few days ago, I finally took the courage to block him everywhere and went no  contact. I tried doing many times but i failed and this is the longest I have gone this time. I keep crying because of the memories we have and it is very painful. Also I was able to do this because I had joined tinder a month ago, just to talk to somebody normal. As conversations
    with my ex would be about suffering and were very painful. It would all end up in an argument. So this new guy i started talking to 2 months ago he helped me alot but then he told me he likes me and we went into a relationship, mostly from his side. I was still talking to my ex on long distance and both were not aware. The new guy used to shower me attention and lovey dovey stuff but from three days he is been cold and aloof. He is a nice person, but i cannot give him unconditional support and love which i did to my ex. Things are different with the new guy, he does not need much attention but i feel nervous around him. These days he does not care much and talks to me whenever he wants to. Obviously,  he has work and responsibilities like taking care of his parents but it does not take alot to text somebody a bit more frequently.
    It is usually just stuff like did u have dinner, thats all. before it was more interactive. But he misleads me tells me that I am his partner and we are different. And our relation is meaningful.

    I love my ex but he told me some mean stuff which i could not deal with, he told me things like if my mom had died, a slut like me would never be born, During our relationship i never even spoke to anybody or looked or thought of anybody. He was it for me, the one for me. I would love him so dearly. I would look at him and feel that existence gave me the best ever, that he is so

    sorted, if only he could love me the way i love him. I miss holding him, touching him and looking in his eyes.

    I only downloaded tinder because that day i wanted to speak to somebody normal, so i spoke to the new guy and deleted it, after a month again i downloaded it and found the same guy and we got close.

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