Hello Anita

Thank you for your response it has given me a bit to think about. Though I’m unsure if its wise I do more thinking haha

Regarding one to one relationships- I agree that I should probably limit to these kind of interactions as all my social anxiety recently has been in context of group dynamics. For some reason my brain can no longer handle group dynamics as it once could and I miss being able to be extroverted and carefree in groups however since the past year and a half I cannot feel that way anymore and have often had panic attacks from these dynamics.

Regarding Jay or JJ- yes Jay is JJ. We spoke about staying as simply as friends and I think Jay is quite cautious in not flirting anymore. I will say I think our friendship must take a backseat in terms of what it was before and I think it would be good for me to make JJ a more casual friend rather than as close as we were. I do not believe I have feelings for him anymore and now I have dated I find myself questioning what my feelings ever were. Regarding put downs, whilst I agree that mocking someone’s height is a put down in most circumstances, Jay is very tall and not at all insecure about his height. In some ways its a safe topic to joke about because of this. As well Jay called me broken in a state whereby I felt safe, out of the blue, and shattered any safety I did have and that was extremely hurtful. He has since apologised twice and rather than ‘cut’ him out of my life, I think I will decide to cool down our friendship so to speak which should have been how I handled it earlier when we agreed to become friends again but alas my naive mind wanted to go back to the way it was before.

Finally- the fear. I think you are right about the origins of my fear (though my father is also included in the mix somewhat) and that my HOCD/ Hypochondria/fear of death has been a way to distract this fear. Perhaps not distract so much as to make more manageable, concrete and less overwhelming? Im unsure. Im unsure as how to rid this fear, I don’t think I can. Can I? I wonder if you have been able to? The fear is a huge weight that prevents me from moving forward. Prior to therapy I think I behaved much like a fawn- in that I was very much a people pleaser, with no real direction in my life, dictated mostly by others. I think this has led me to lose myself to others.  I think this was my response to the fear- to not act in any way which may displease my mother, my father, my siblings, my friends, my teachers. All of these relationships I have played out the fear with my mother, becoming anything people wanted of me so that I do not lose them. Its hard to feel that in the everyday moments and I don’t feel it- my mind is great at tricking me so that I cant feel that. I think its too painful to feel.

As well as the fear however, is visceral anger, which I do not rarely feel until I encounter romantic relationships with men. The anger scares me, I dislike it and yet it keeps coming up and it can feel extremely disproportionate. At times I wonder if it is a response to fear underlying. I just want to have close relationships and yet the fear, the anger and so are preventing me in some ways. Its almost self jeopardising. As much as it pains me to say, sometimes I wonder if the emotional damage done to me renders relationships hopeless. I seem more functional the more withdrawn I am from others. The more emotionally distant people are from me. It feels safer and I can feel normal. I have been thinking about practicing mediation recently and wondering whether this will help the state of fear and anger. Part of me wishes meditation to be the solution but part of me knows that is highly unrealistic.

Still I have to continue the with some sort of hope. I think that has gotten me through my years. Hope. Sometimes I lose that hope but I think its been the only thing that has kept me going.