February 6, 2019 at 9:09 am #278981
You are very welcome.
“I would rather remain safe”, you wrote. When a child is born into a dangerous home, she will do everything she can to make it safe. As the child grows up into an adult, it may very well be safer for her to leave that home than it is to stay in it, but this possibility of leaving for a safer place is available not to a child. It is available to the adult.
Post again anytime you’d like and I will be glad to reply.
anitaMay 28, 2019 at 5:56 pm #296193
I am feeling quite overwhelmed at the moment. I feel sorry to say this but I have taken none of the great advice you have given and instead I lost my virginity four nights ago to a man that I have only been briefly seeing.
The reason for making that decision was that I was curious and felt extremely comfortable with this man in a way I hadn’t with any other men I dated. Our first date was incredible and I guess this overwhelmingly positive impression left a mark on me enough to want to have sex for the first time with him two weeks later.
I told the man about my virginity whilst we were kissing, as I knew where things were heading. I told him so that he was aware to go gentle and I guess to be honest about what kind of experience he should expect. After that night, initially I guess I was excited and felt strange that I didn’t feel too much about it. Its now four nights later and I definitely feel some ways about it.
The man I am seeing is nearly 30. I had believed that the sex was a good experience for me until looking back and realising that he actually had not really taken into consideration my comfort very much in a way I presumed he might, being older and seeming more gentle in other ways. I guess I was naive and too excited, new to the experience to realise at the time but looking back he was really rough with me. My bleeding for the past four nights only confirms this and makes the point more strong in my mind so I cannot forget that. He tried switching me in multiple positions (crazy now I think about it) and I guess was just a lot more rougher in general than I had believed he would be. Porn has really messed up our generation of young men I believe and I experienced him pulling my hair at one point as well as slapping me gently. Sadly I found this is quite common with all the men I have briefly dated- they believe that a young woman wants this without even checking or thinking to check! The point is, now that I am bleeding for the fourth night in a row, and getting quite worried at what my body is doing, I am feeling more and more regret.
I hadn’t realised or really taken into account what a big thing it really is to have just lost my virginity and how I really want to be able to speak to him about it, to share my worries about my body and what it is doing right now (the bleeding is a concern as it doesn’t even seem to be from my hymen but more from my cervix perhaps due to the roughness of the sex) and to talk about how the experience went. Yet I feel I cant do this as the way he has communicated with me since the next day it has became apparent that he doesn’t really do communication much outside of seeing me in person and has ignored my last text and not kept conversation going.
Which leads me to not feeling like I can turn to him and talk to him about this quite momentous occasion for me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised or shocked, he is after all someone I barely know, and I also understand that for him sex isn’t what it is for me so communicating to him all my worries and all of this is going to be too much and might scare him away. But I now just feel really quite upset. I have so many mixed emotions. I definitely rushed the process and now realise why it took me so long to lose my virginity in the first place. Deep down I just wanted someone special to go through the process with and to have someone to emotionally support me through the process. I guess I was looking for love all along to feel comfortable enough to have sex, yet my counselling sessions reinforced that sex is not love and so incentivised me to figure out ‘sex’, hence the anxiety about my sexuality.
Yet I kind of forgot through those counselling sessions who I really was, ironically when my counsellor was supposed to help me figure it out. I was always a person that wanted to have a boyfriend before having sex. I was never interested in casual sex. Looking back the rare times I felt sexual attraction came after knowing the men for a while enough to establish an emotional bond. Sex to me always came after emotional closeness. I knew this about myself.
Yet I did the complete opposite of what I knew to be my truth deep down- most likely because I am feeling a little hopeless at the state of dating and ever finding a boyfriend right now and love. I am ready to find love but also scared that I never will.
For some reason, Anita, though I see a few red flags with this guy (already) I still like him enough to want to keep seeing him. And I can forgive those red flags in a way I couldn’t with the previous men I was seeing very briefly. This guy feels different in some ways, but I am still upset at having rushed the process and not being able to really speak to him about everything.
Im not sure if I am looking for advice, more so guidance or just to have someone to talk to about this. I hope you are doing well since we last spoke- how time flies.May 28, 2019 at 6:50 pm #296199
I am fine, thank you and glad to read from you anytime you post. I read your recent post but I want to read it more attentively, when I am better focused, which will be tomorrow morning, in about 12 hours from now. I will reply to you then. I hope you will soon be less overwhelmed and have more peace.
anitaMay 28, 2019 at 8:05 pm #296201
Thanks AnitaMay 29, 2019 at 9:17 am #296237
I just read your posts in your two threads, and it occurred to me that the first thing to attend to is that four day bleeding of yours- go get checked by a qualified nurse/ doctor for it, if you haven’t so far, will you?
Clearly the man was not gentle enough, the evidence for that is in the four day bleeding!
Regarding what I learned from this morning reading-
Here is the key item that became clear to me today: “as a kid I didn’t explore much or play”. You played early on, one time was “when I was 5 I was caught by my mother kissing two children and she beat me heavily for this”- you played with two children and were beaten heavily for .. playing.
Regarding your mother, your “only memories of her that I have when a young child was that she was angry, or blank”- you couldn’t play around an angry, blank mother. A child needs to feel that her mother is okay before she allows herself to play.
For too long you have been “stuck overthinking. Constantly”, almost constantly. You bypassed playing, experiencing life and got stuck in overthinking, ruminating, obsessing, examining your emotions under a microscope, so to speak, trying to figure yourself out as if you were a specimen to be examined scientifically, in a laboratory of sorts.
But it didn’t work and will not work. You still need to play, currently. Not to figure yourself out intellectually, but to give yourself the opportunity to play, an opportunity that was cut short too quickly when you were a child.
“being in full time employment with people older than me, who already seem to have their lives figured out” doesn’t give you the opportunity to play. You wrote it yourself: “I need to explore. And both my job and my living conditions don’t offer that opportunity”.
Because you were beaten harshly as a young girl when you played and because your mother was not okay and so, you couldn’t feel safe enough to venture away from her and play, you get scared when you find yourself starting to play, feeling that excitement of playing: “my first experience of strong attraction (17) was so powerful it frightened me. I was initially enjoying the moment with the guy, flirting etc. But then came fear and I put a stop to feeling. Instead of exploring further I felt frozen”-
– you start playing, you feel the excitement, the excitement scares you, overwhelms you, get too much to endure and you freeze, detach… play is over.
“with men I am dating I will feel attraction and then the attraction goes away in an instant… feel desire and attraction but once we are alone the desire is gone”- overwhelmed by the excitement, by the desire, you get scared, freeze and the playing ends, just like it did when you were 5.
You wrote that you need guidance- well, see a doctor regarding the bleeding, then figure out an opportunity for you to play, really play. Not to think more- can’t get anywhere good doing more thinking because it is not intellectual figuring out that you need.
You need to play, not to think. Let me know what .. you think about this and we can continue to communicate and perhaps I can guide you a bit, which is what you suggested that you need here, correct?
anitaMay 30, 2019 at 10:36 am #296467
Hmm Interesting response.
Regarding the four day bleeding- just as I was about to go to the DR’s when I realised that my cycle was most likely started a little earlier due to the hormonal changes that come from sex. Luckily that is fine and it is just my menstrual cycle now, although initially I had bleeding from virginity loss
Regarding playing, yeah you’re right this is time to ‘play’ however anxiety is holding me back to what’s safe and secure. I can see it in ways I interact with this guy not wanting to expose my joy too much or any vulnerability it feels to dangerous.
I guess I have to get over it somehow.
My HOCD disappeared for a while when seeing this new man, but its made a comeback, I hate it so much. It is constantly taunting me. Maybe as a way to stop my ‘playing’? Im unsure.May 30, 2019 at 10:44 am #296469
Anxiety (and OCD is all about anxiety) rains on our parade of play and joy every time.