September 28, 2019 at 11:25 am #314869
I see exactly the parallels you make between my reactions in dating and my relationship with my mother as a young child/ perhaps toddler ages. It makes so much sense!
But how do I recover though? Awareness is very good- amazing but what can I do to recover? I think this is the frustration I felt with the therapy I had… I felt I was stewing a lot in past hurts and although my therapist didn’t always point out my early disappointments as a child and how it relates when dating as clearly as you did, I’m sick of stewing on the past. I’m sick of being held back by my childhood. And I am sick of not feeling as happy as most of my peers. I just want real tools to deal with the hurts, the emotions and to transform my life. To not feel as anxious and rejected and insecure.
I wonder though where the role of my father lies in all of this? Having felt a loving presence from my father at young ages, but then turning into a teenager and witnessing him abuse my mother and also me, and also leaving the family….I wonder how that relates…
Does that also tie into the anger?September 28, 2019 at 11:36 am #314871
Your father may very well be tied to your anger, lots of things are, at this point. But the origin of your rage is in your childhood experience with your mother. Attend to that first.
To truly leave the past behind, to no longer experience it in current- life contexts, specifically, to no longer experience the out of proportion anger toward a man, you will need to be willing and able to feel the anger toward your mother.
Problem is we, adult children, are unwilling to feel anger toward our mothers, too guilty to feel that. We focus on her traumas, her past, not feeling justified to be angry at her.
The purpose is not to develop an anger toward one’s mother. Instead, it is to redirect the anger we already have, the anger that we can’t get rid of- to redirect it toward the person we felt angry with originally. This way we will no longer direct it toward just anyone, even good people, unable therefore to have any intimate relationship lifetime.
Does this make sense to you?
anitaOctober 1, 2019 at 1:00 pm #315429
What you have said makes sense in a way, however I wouldn’t really know how to practice it when the rage does come about.
For example- rage occurs- I am aware that it is disproportionate. In that moment in time I would have to link it back to my mother and reflect. The problem is that when in the middle of an interaction with someone it is hard to do this without the other person sensing something went wrong…and then in a way making them know of my anger in one way or another.
You see what I mean?
AfeelsOctober 1, 2019 at 1:29 pm #315431
I understand part of your question but not enough to answer. Can you restate, maybe give the recent example of your real life experience, you were touching your boyfriend tenderly and you felt rage. Can you restate your question?
anitaOctober 1, 2019 at 5:22 pm #315455
In regards to the boyfriend example- I was touching him tenderly, then felt extreme feelings of rage. Consciously I realised the rage was coming from a feeling I had that he did not touch me in the same way or that the encounter was one sided, perhaps he did not feel for me the way I felt for him. That fear led to rage. You made the parallel of this experience with how I might have felt with my mother at one point…
My question is …. how to redirect that rage towards my mother in that moment in time. And so to truly not lash out? Because even by supressing my rage, it becomes apparent in my body language/demeanour that I am upset by something. I hope that makes more sense.October 2, 2019 at 8:00 am #315541
There are two separate issues here, in this example:
1. You felt tender toward him, next you feel rage. What to do and not do: do not lash out. Do not continue to touch him because you no longer feel tender toward him. Instead of continuing what you did or just lying there uncomfortably, ask him if he wants tea and go to the kitchen and make it, or tell him that you need to get up and stretch in the living room, then get up and do that, sit alone, away from him, have a little time alone.
Or, if this happens in the middle of the night, tell him that you are going to relax and try to sleep next and have your alone time on your side of the bed.
Do your little talking to him in a calm, ordinary tone of voice and volume, or very close to it.
2. Once having your alone time as suggested above, bring to your mind’s eye (that is, visualize) your mother’s blank and angry face. No need to analyze much if any, just bring that visual to your mind. Relax into it, take slow, deep breaths. When the visual disappears, gently bring it back. If you can’t bring it back- don’t.