January 26, 2019 at 12:14 pm #277075
I will be able to read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about seventeen hours from now. Feel free to add another post or posts before I return with more of your thoughts and feelings as they occur. I will be glad to read all that you post when I am back.
I hope you feel better soon.
anitaJanuary 27, 2019 at 5:38 am #277141
Thanks for your well wishes.
I had the strangest dream last night; I was kissing my 17 year old crush and it was such a great experience to me. But then I could hear his thoughts, and he was thinking the kiss was just ok, nothing compared to how he kisses ____ (Random girls name). I then unbutton his pants and he tries to unbutton mine, but has he tries to do so I block him. At this point he transforms to a random woman (a lesbian) I met during my University years and she looks visibly angry at me for not wanting to go further.
Such a strange dream. Do you think dreams mean anything? Or is this a sign I’m too in my head. Aha.January 27, 2019 at 5:56 am #277145
What an amazing dream, so appropriate to the HOCD subject matter. In the dream you unbuttoned a man’s pants but did not “go further” with a woman. The man graded your kiss as okay, felt okay about you (although not as great as he did with someone else), but the woman felt anger at you.
I think your dream is congruent with my understanding that you are indeed a heterosexual woman. But my evaluation of you as heterosexual, anyone’s evaluation is like oil sliding off Teflon, as I suggested before because this is the nature of the obsessed, to remain obsessed, to keep checking for signs while awake…and while asleep.
In your post yesterday you wrote that since graduating university you work full time in an environment where you feel trapped and you don’t meet people your age, you feel lonely there.
You are living with your mother because rents are too expensive in your city, and it is affecting you. From memory you shared that your mother has red hair, that she beat you when she found out you kissed another child, or children, when you were very young. Can you tell me more about your childhood experience with her and your current experience with her?
anitaJanuary 27, 2019 at 6:43 am #277151
My mother was not very engaged growing up. She had mental health issues and the only memories of her that I have when a young child was that she was angry, or blank. I have more fond memories of my father.
And yes a really interesting dream!January 27, 2019 at 6:55 am #277159
Just realised I forgot to say how our relationship now is. It’s ok, but she still is short tempered. I see her now as a woman who never had any help for her trauma.January 27, 2019 at 7:22 am #277163
I took some time reading through your posts in your two threads. You wrote about your childhood that your father left when you were 12. You wrote: “I had a very neglectful and abusive childhood… I grew up in an environment so chaotic and not full of love. I grew up in fear.. I was beaten harshly when I was caught kissing two children. I was so young- 5”.
In your very recent post you wrote: “the only memories of her that I have when a young child was that she was angry, or blank. I have more fond memories of my father… she still is short tempered”.
I wrote to you some time ago that it is very important that you keep your job. But if your job doesn’t allow you to live away from your mother, if having this job means you have to live with her, then it is not a good deal for you. I think you should explore other options:
-is there a way for you to live with your father?
-what about moving to a lesser expensive rent place, be it far away from where you are, so that you can live away from your mother?
(You can answer these questions today, or later if they distress you, or not at all).
Another point: fear. I am not one to disrespect the power of fear. And you expressed feeling overwhelmed. You also shared so little about your childhood with your mother, and about your mother overall, that I figure such sharing is very difficult for you. Therefore I am aware and will not pressure you in any way to share more and to get more in touch with your fear.
You also have the option, of course, to reply when you feel like it, to stop reading what I write at any time, to not reply to me at all, to postpone replying, to come back to your thread whenever you choose.
I have the experience of living with a mother who was “angry or blank”. I remember blank very well, it came after the angry. She was sitting there silent, blank, for hours it seemed. The Angry was scary, the loud yelling, loud crying, on and on and on, blaming, accusing, insisting, and then the Silence. The silence lasted for the night and the day after, eventually she started talking to me.
I used to have dreams of her looking at me angry, nothing else, just the image of her looking at me with anger.
You are welcome to share with me, anything at all, or not. You can change the subject.
anitaJanuary 27, 2019 at 11:13 am #277229
Living with my father is not an option. Although I have fonder memories of him he was still abusive and I haven’t even touched on the issues with him in therapy. I havent spoken to, or seen him since I was 12. I can talk about my mum more than my father but I find it very hard talking about both.
I am thinking of getting a new job but finding a job in this city is tough and my motivation for it is very low. My own fault I know.
I relate a lot to what you said about your experiences with your mother. It’s unfortunate.
Speaking with my therapist she helped me to see that I chose to not explore my sexuality and relationships outside of family when I was 17 because of my loyalty to my mother especially. I now have a lot of regrets but I am still young so there is hope in that.
If only I can change my circumstances to reflect New opportunities for connections.January 27, 2019 at 11:38 am #277235
Loyalty to your mother, can you tell me more about that loyalty?
And your last line, I didn’t understand it, can you explain it to me?
* Will be back in a couple of hours or so.
anitaJanuary 27, 2019 at 12:47 pm #277245
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Loyalty to my mother, as in making my family and their stability priority otherwise chaos would insume . When I moved away for University I still was fixing things ie; debts or my sister’s issues. I was very much attached to my family role as surrogate mother.</p>
The last line just meant that I need to feel freer in my environments. I need to explore. And both my job and my living conditions don’t offer that opportunity.January 27, 2019 at 2:53 pm #277277
Time to end that loyalty, to free yourself from it. I think moving away from your mother and minimizing if not eliminating contact with her will be best for you. Elsewhere, free fr0m her and from a loyalty that didn’t do any good for you at all, life can be so much better for you. Maybe it is a necessary step for you to start your journey to lesser and lesser anxiety and more exploring and experiencing life.
I will be away from the computer for about fifteen hours.
anitaJanuary 28, 2019 at 9:24 am #277353
I had another dream and the topic of my sexuality is really confusing me at the moment , its non-stop. Maybe I am not straight, maybe I am bisexual? I know it doesn’t matter what you or anyone says to reassure me. The dream somewhat make me feel ashamed because I was in a position of power and it just felt wrong.
I want to move away from my mum but I feel too much guilt if I stopped contact. I love my mother and family and I know they love me too, despite our dysfunctional nature.
My anxiety is non stop at the moment, I will be going to a dance class later on but I just feel so terrible. Constantly ruminating.January 28, 2019 at 9:42 am #277357
You wrote that you know that your mother loves you too. What is the evidence of her love for you?
anitaJanuary 28, 2019 at 9:44 am #277359
She cooks for me, she seems concerned when I am crying. That is the evidence to meJanuary 28, 2019 at 9:47 am #277361
Does she cook for other people too or only for you?
anitaJanuary 28, 2019 at 10:03 am #277363
She cooks for the whole family, yes.