Dear Natalija:

I was wondering if something from our August 2016 communication in your thread titled “Codependency” can be relevant to your current situation:

1. You wrote then: “There was a lot of bad relationships and friendships where I didn’t feel appreciated, where I was giving and giving and in return got even more demands and less respect“-

-I can see how more than three years later, you are very impressed by a man who “is the only person in my life who looks at me like… I’m some kind of miracle.. and acts with complete respect and care for me. That’s a big thing for me”.

2. Three years ago you wrote: “setting a boundary of any kind, or saying no feels really uncomfortable. Like I’m expected to do what someone is asking of me because I love them. Like you need to prove it that way”- notice this inclination in your current situation, you feeling that you are expected prove your love for this man by waiting 13 years for him to date you publicly and make a home together.

3. Three years ago you wrote: “I see it was easier to me to live a life just trying to  fit in other people’s picture of who I am, than figuring out what I want or need to begin with”-

– It may very well be that more than three years later, it is still easier for you to fit into his life, into how he sees you, than it is to figure out what you need (beyond fitting into his view of you and receiving his approval).

4. You wrote August 2016 about finally getting your driver’s license,  “this fear of driving came from fear of taking control in my life’- I suppose waiting for him 13 years makes it possible for you to postpone taking control over your life, at least in the area of relationships.

5. You wrote Aug 2016: “I think that the most important thing for me would be to find ways to change things I’m not comfortable with earlier than I did. I usually find the courage to make big changes at the moment when things become bad enough, almost unbearable”-

– I wonder what you think about this quote here, how it may be relevant to your current situation (as well as your thoughts about 1-4).

anita