Hi Natalija,

I don’t know how your boyfriend is supposed to get past hurting whilst he is still living in the house with his wife.  The children are old enough to know that their parents are sleeping in separate bedrooms.  This is just prolonging the agony of separation for all concerned.  The children will pick up on the atmosphere of home life and ultimately it will be detrimental for them.

Your boyfriend is suffering from anxiety which is making a sexual relationship difficult.  I suggest he starts practising ways to reduce his anxiety levels and find somewhere new to live.  If he doesn’t accept this as a way forward, then give some serious thought as to whether you want to be the one standing on the side lines waiting for time to pass and changes to happen.

Best Wishes

Peggy

It seems that this looks worse than it is in some ways. He did get over the breakup at least on a conscious level. And he was talking about it at the beginning of our relationship to let me know about his situation. It’s not like he is talking about it all the time. So…basically it sounded all right…but…there is obviously some problem if he cannot get intimate now.

Okay, I think that makes the difference, if he was just going into detail to explain the situation to you, although I do think he has some underlying anxieties or pain that he might not realize he has if it’s affecting his ability to be intimate, so he might still need some counseling or at least some major self-reflection to figure that out.

About the living situation, yes, they decided to stay and live together until kids would both be 18. That’s a long long time. And they probably didn’t think about how this will affect their dating life or possible relationships. It’s like they decided to sacrifice all that for the sake of the kids. Which sounds fine…but…like some of you said I’m sure kids will get to understand something is not right since they sleep in different rooms.

However, they are very mature about everything and decent with each other. They communicate normally and the breakup was handled quite well. So the kids are getting all the love and care from them. That’s probably a good thing.

No matter how mature they’re being right now, I just can’t see this not blowing up in their faces, especially when relationships with other people come into play. Is his ex-wife in a serious relationship, yet?

Also, are the kids supposed to know they’re dating other people or are they going to hide this from them until the kids are 18, and if the kids know, will they be building relationships with the other significant others? It’s just a really weird example to set for the kids, if you think about it.  On one hand, it’s nice that they won’t have to go back and forth between houses and will see their parents being fairly amicable in the same house, but it’s also sort of setting unrealistic expectations for how well people can work together and I will be surprised if the parents will be able to live together so amicably once they both get into serious relationships, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned about stepparents when having to deal with my kids’ dads’ wives, it’s that they like a certain amount of control, too, and you’re not always going to agree with them. It can turn into a mess.

It might be okay to continue to live together for now, but I can see this not working for that long, definitely not for 13 years. And think about that number… because the youngest is 5…. would you want to be with someone who lives with his ex rather than you for 13 years??  And who’s to say they won’t fall back for each other again in those 13 years in such close quarters?

Dear Natalija:

I was wondering if something from our August 2016 communication in your thread titled “Codependency” can be relevant to your current situation:

1. You wrote then: “There was a lot of bad relationships and friendships where I didn’t feel appreciated, where I was giving and giving and in return got even more demands and less respect“-

-I can see how more than three years later, you are very impressed by a man who “is the only person in my life who looks at me like… I’m some kind of miracle.. and acts with complete respect and care for me. That’s a big thing for me”.

2. Three years ago you wrote: “setting a boundary of any kind, or saying no feels really uncomfortable. Like I’m expected to do what someone is asking of me because I love them. Like you need to prove it that way”- notice this inclination in your current situation, you feeling that you are expected prove your love for this man by waiting 13 years for him to date you publicly and make a home together.

3. Three years ago you wrote: “I see it was easier to me to live a life just trying to  fit in other people’s picture of who I am, than figuring out what I want or need to begin with”-

– It may very well be that more than three years later, it is still easier for you to fit into his life, into how he sees you, than it is to figure out what you need (beyond fitting into his view of you and receiving his approval).

4. You wrote August 2016 about finally getting your driver’s license,  “this fear of driving came from fear of taking control in my life’- I suppose waiting for him 13 years makes it possible for you to postpone taking control over your life, at least in the area of relationships.

5. You wrote Aug 2016: “I think that the most important thing for me would be to find ways to change things I’m not comfortable with earlier than I did. I usually find the courage to make big changes at the moment when things become bad enough, almost unbearable”-

– I wonder what you think about this quote here, how it may be relevant to your current situation (as well as your thoughts about 1-4).

anita

Dear Natalija:

You are welcome. I re-read your original post and noticed something I didn’t notice before:

You wrote about your boyfriend and his (living like roommates) wife: “They had a bit rough separation and she hurt him badly… he is still hurt… he came to the conclusion it probably has something to do with how hurt and rejected he was at this last breakup”-

– that last breakup is living with him in the same apartment. How can he possibly recover from being “hurt.. badly” if the one who hurt him is living in the same apartment as he does, being present there every day and night.

I didn’t connect before that the Hurt of “this last breakup” is Living-with-him.

Of course he can’t recover from a live-in breakup!

I’d say, not a good situation for him or for the kids, because they have a very hurt father day after day and who knows the emotional trouble their mother is in.

anita

Hi Natalija,

It is my belief that the more time you invest in this person, the more reluctant you will be to leave.  It seems to me that you are still very much fitting in with his situation.  He has stated his intention to stay with his wife long term and, for some reason, you are refusing to take this at face value.

You don’t actually have any control over the current situation other than to walk away, which you have already stated is not something that you want to do.  If you have a deep need for his adoration and you feel that it might be healing that part of you, then you will consider staying for this reason alone.  It attracts and endears certainly in the short term.

I remember a conversation that happened between two men when I was in my teens.  One of them referring to a colleague and his relationship with his wife remarked that “he kept her on a pedestal”.   The second man retorted “he keeps her on a pedestal because it keeps her out of the way”.  There is so much truth in that.  Are you effectively being kept out of the way?

Peggy