Hi Anita and Marge, how are you doing today?

Just to clarify, the Sugar Babe is a gay guy that we both used to hang out with during high school and early twenties. I did went to parties with them but at some point, I decided this life wasn’t for me and left. Sugar Babe became very angry and stopped talking to me all together, but honestly, I never truly cared. I do know he used to bad mouth me for W and again, I never cared about his opinions and I really felt way better for not having me in my life.

To make it more clear, I’ll answer your points out of order:

2) About the parties, she stopped doing it all together after Sugar Babe started his relationship. That’s when she dived in depression and eventually found herself with her ex bf. And like I said in the beginning, I did attend parties like that at some point so I know with certainty that this is not what I want for myself. But you’re probably right about her enjoying it…She compared her life to sugar babe once and said that life was not fair because he achieved his goal and she didn’t. So his life is probably better looking in her eyes than mine – as I have to work and pay for my bills. Another reason why she didn’t try to replicate my lifestyle until recently. Also, the fact that she now needs to work and “be more like me” so to speak, brings her the feeling that life is unfair. I have no sure about this, it’s just something out of the top of my head. Another thing that comes to mind is that maybe she wishes I was more like Sugar Babe and I refuse that.

1) About the puppet comment, what occured to me after a while was that she wanted to have what I had, both her and Sugar Babe and I after this we stopped talking for around a year. But I never saw her as an authority figure, on the contrary actually, I feel responsible for her and that’s what makes me attached I guess. The sense that I have the obligation to show her how real life works because no one will. This is the confusing part for me, because I don’t feel submissive towards her at all but I can clearly see that she puts me in as the authority figure when she comes asking for advice on how to manage her life. Her calls and texts are about her little crisis, her career, her love life…she calls and texts because she wants me to say what she needs to do. Using the comparison you used, it’s almost like I am the mother here and I feel like I can’t abandon my child without being a bad mother and while she feels entitled to my time. This is where I can see the codependency, because I allowed her as this was probably feeding my ego. So this can be an explanation for why I care about what she thinks, a mother cares about how the child sees her.

3) My therapist brought up the comparison to my mom and yes, I used to seek validation from her. I would follow whatever my mom thought was right, even if it felt wrong for me. I always thought that she knew better than me and that she had the best intentions for me – which I assumed she had but that doesn’t mean she had all the answers. Whenever I needed to make a decision I would go ask her opinion first, and follow it. I did an extensive work with my counselor about this matter and I actually feel free from the need of validation from her. I still go to my mom for her opinions but I don’t take her word as the one universal truth anymore, I’m able to make my own decisions.

So when I told W about how I didn’t like being criticized by her, at first she tried to argue that I needed to learn how to accept when people disagree with me (which is another critic). My answer was that I am a very open minded person and I love to have debates, expand my views about the world. I don’t have problems with people disagreeing with me but I do have problems with being overly criticized. I said she didn’t have to agree with me but she had no right to decide how I feel and I was precisely telling her that I wasn’t happy with her words and actions. I ended the conversation and we stopped talking for a couple of weeks and that’s when she sent me a message saying she was sorry, that she was hard on herself and tended to replicate this towards closest people…that she does this with everyone in her mind but I was the one that she actually verbalized these opinions to. I “forgave” her and she was doing well for some months until she came up with the comment about friendships.

But I confess it felt good to not have her in my life during those weeks and it was the same feeling I had about Sugar Babe…like a weight was out of my shoulders. Maybe I’m failing here because I’m allowing her to put the responsibility of her life into me and in some twisted way it makes me feel important – probably me trying to be like my mom?

She rationalizes everything I say, like she was talking back so I feel frustrated…that Im failing in raising my child. This is the point where I understand some of the things her ex said about her, again. I was quick to judge him but I realized that she was searching for a parent figure in him as well…he was a lot older and he used to tell her what to do and where to go. She talked a lot less to me when they were together.

Now answering Marge’s input, I think you’re right about me trying to be a superhero and as I feel Im failing, I try to compensate and try harder – invest more. This also related to what Anita said about me, to free myself of unrealistic expectations. This is my doing but definitely not my burden.

I came here searching for other people inputs about social life and I understand that my view of social life and social circles are accurate. I am certain I need to end this friendship and I will do so but I feel more prepared knowing that this is not how friends should be related.