Dear Botanical95:

“I don’t know if I’m forcing myself to be something I’m not or if there is something else at play here”-

I think that there is something else at play here, and it is an issue of dominance vs submission, a pre-existing conflict that extended into sexuality by your second decade of life. Lately you’ve been considering being dominant with a woman (“missionary, thrusting”) instead of being submissive with a man (“bottoming”).

Here is a possible scenario from your childhood, and it is only a possibility that I bring up, a wild guess. My point is to explain a possible origin of such conflict of dominance vs submission early in life, which later extends into sexuality:

a boy is intimidated by his dominant, bossy, harsh mother, scared of her, tiptoes around her, submissive to her (what choice does he have, he is only a child). Fast forward, he is scared to be anything but submissive with a woman, he wouldn’t dare taking on the traditional dominant/ aggressive sexual stand with a woman, so he shies away from women and gravitates toward men because he didn’t have an intimidating experience with a father, as a child. Still, he takes the submissive position with men.

Submission has become his role in life, but he is recently wondering if it is not necessarily his identity, to be submissive, and maybe his assumed sexual orientation, is not necessarily so.

What do you think?

anita