Confidence and sexuality

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    Hi! Just posting for the first time, and I’m interested to see if others have had the same thoughts as I’ve had. There are a few different questions here so answer and input into what you can!

    I’m a 24(m) by the way.

    As I’ve been reading this forum, it has made me think more and more of my sexuality.

    I’ve struggled with the idea of a girl finding my attractive, and being sexually interested in me. Even when watching straight porn, I have found in the past my thoughts to be “what girl would ever want to sleep with me?” “I won’t be good at sex with a woman.”

    And I’m thinking to myself, if I was more on the gay side, why am I worrying about being with a woman? Is it from society or am I more interested in women than I think I am?

    I ask that because I sort of always assumed I was gay. Physical attraction is stronger with a guy and more sexually willing to sleep with a guy so that must be the case right?

    This evening, I tried the “if I could be anything in the world without consequence, what would I be?” My mind went to sex with a guy, but i couldn’t help but think of being close to a woman, oral sex with her and touching her. I remember being in my room over the weekend and I “practiced” (lol) some straight sex positions and realised, hey this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be (missionary, thrusting etc). It actually helped change some opinions I had.

    In my head, I could be flirty with a guy (I’d gear towards bottoming I feel like?) but when it comes to a girl, terrified. Absolutely scared to take any step.

    And to be honest, people assume I’m gay in the world, which can be hard too. So am I lying to myself or is confidence something of a factor here?

    Even the idea of touching a woman sexually or showing interest physically, my head is instinctly like “no, that’s not allowed. That’s wrong”. Almost like without consent, I’m a bad person for trying it or attempting to do it. So I don’t know if I’m forcing myself to be something I’m not or if there is something else at play here.

    I’m in a Christian church so experimenting is not really available as such to me.

    Just wondering what people think of this scenario.


    Dear Botanical95:

    “I don’t know if I’m forcing myself to be something I’m not or if there is something else at play here”-

    I think that there is something else at play here, and it is an issue of dominance vs submission, a pre-existing conflict that extended into sexuality by your second decade of life. Lately you’ve been considering being dominant with a woman (“missionary, thrusting”) instead of being submissive with a man (“bottoming”).

    Here is a possible scenario from your childhood, and it is only a possibility that I bring up, a wild guess. My point is to explain a possible origin of such conflict of dominance vs submission early in life, which later extends into sexuality:

    a boy is intimidated by his dominant, bossy, harsh mother, scared of her, tiptoes around her, submissive to her (what choice does he have, he is only a child). Fast forward, he is scared to be anything but submissive with a woman, he wouldn’t dare taking on the traditional dominant/ aggressive sexual stand with a woman, so he shies away from women and gravitates toward men because he didn’t have an intimidating experience with a father, as a child. Still, he takes the submissive position with men.

    Submission has become his role in life, but he is recently wondering if it is not necessarily his identity, to be submissive, and maybe his assumed sexual orientation, is not necessarily so.

    What do you think?



    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by anita.
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