I have two separate friend groups. My group of old friends live in the east end of the city, and my new friends and I live in the west end. The only reason K and B know my friend is because I invited them to my party. They do not actively seek him out and don’t go out of their way to socialize with him. My new friend group, we all have varying degrees of eye-rolling “he’s doing that thing again.” The other day I was telling his roommate what my fiance claims he did at the dinner and the roommate sighed and replied “of course he did that. He thinks he’s some valiant knight protecting his friends when he’s actually coming off as a bodyguard.” and we both had a laugh at our friend because he does this. He thinks people see him as a bad white guy, so he will frequently step forward and go [essentially] “I am a tall, straight, white man, and I am defending the rights of all those who are not me because for too long straight white men have been in charge and it is time you listened to this oppressed group. Since I am defending said group, I am a good person.” He thinks he’s being chivalrous when really it’s coming off, well, desperate for validation?

As for our flirtatious friendship, my fiance is fine with it because he knows it’s harmless and nothing would happen [we have a very open, honest relationship] he’s more concerned my friend will cross the line. As for his girlfriend, she won’t say, because she bottles up how she feels until she explodes. When that happens, she waits until I’m alone [example, I go into the stock room at work and she follows me] then she’ll corner me and hound me until I’m crying because “see, you say you’re sorry, but I don’t think you really are.” Though I have noticed when it’s a little too intense, she jumps between us, gives me a hug [she almost never hugged me before they started dating] then cuddles up to him [and half the time he pulls away from her] Example, this one time we went two weeks without seeing each other [the longest we’ve gone in over a year] when he came into my apartment he raced over and held me for at least a solid minute if not two. After a while, I asked if he was okay, he said no, when I asked what I could do he replied “just hold me.” so I did. It wasn’t until, as I said, a minute later at least, I realized and told him his girlfriend and my fiance are in the room and he let go. [my fiance said it was fine, his girlfriend didn’t say anything] when they were leaving he slipped his arm around my waist and was giving me a side hug while we chatting in the doorway. His girlfriend was standing across from me and I could see her squirming and she proclaimed, “I want to hug Neko too!” then tackle-hugged me really quicky, turned and quickly hugged my fiance [who she has said repeatedly she hates] then grabbed her boyfriends arm and drags him outside.

Thanks for your input. your line about him wanting me to fight injustice made me smile because that’s what he does. It’s what he lives for. It’s something I admire in him. I know what he meant by it, but we have two different worldviews. His upbringing wasn’t abusive but he did have a number of toxic relatives. He confronted them and argued his viewpoint so he could receive some semblance of closure, so he advocates people do the same. I don’t like confrontation, I always tell him nothing disturbs me, he can say/do anything and I won’t be bothered, but in that friendly debate, I explained the only thing that triggers me is being in the room with two people arguing. If two people are screaming a each other I break down, so approaching my family and laying out all the terrible things they did, I know will result in them yelling at me, and I will crumble. He’s not pressuring me to do it, he’s articulating how freeing it was for him, and while it isn’t for everyone, he wants me to stop avoiding.

My New Years’ goals are working on my self-confidence, tone down my inner critic, and build on the things I’ve started in therapy. I’m trying to build a more positive future, one where I’m more emotionally and mentally stable. My fiance and I are wanting kids in the next 5 years, and while it’s not the only reason I want to become a more stable, well-adjusted person, my childhood trauma has always been a shadow looming over my vision of motherhood. I don’t want to repeat the patterns, so I’m actively working on finding stability now. I honestly feel about 5 years behind in my life lol. I know everyone’s on a different path, but I feel like I’m 30 going on 25 in terms of accomplishments. This year has been so rewarding, a lot in part to my friend, and I’m hoping to build on the successes and projects I began this year. I’m actually excited for the future [which hasn’t happened since I decided to move to this city 3.5 years ago]