Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

As to your first post, you wrote: “It’s like I can see the big picture of my life, but I’m not sure of how to fit the little pieces of the puzzle to help me build the person I want to be”-

-I don’t know of anyone at any age who has all the little pieces put together perfectly in an identity-picture, as in: this is who I am and everything about me and my life makes sense and fits perfectly. We have to be okay with missing pieces. Each one of us is not, after all, a picture: four corners, four lines, a rectangle. We are three dimensional, changing animals, our parts (atoms) always moving, always in motion.

The basics of who we are as humans are the same for all of us; therefore, you can depend on those basics to be part of your picture as well. You want to be accepted (we all do), that’s part of your picture. You want to feel good, content and alive, that’s another part of your picture.

And then, there are parts special to you, parts that are not true for everyone else: you like meditation and it helped you many, many times. Your interest in science- these are two parts of the picture.

The connection you explained to me between gender dysphoria (particularly wanting to appear masculine, so being afraid of curves and any fat on the body)  and eating disorders reads logical to me, I see the connection. I can also see the anxiety involved. After all, I was diagnosed with anorexia myself, later in life. So  I understand the great distress involved.

As to  your second post- a beautiful poem. I like the sound of  it, for example: “I am not a perfect person and I may have caused hurt to some people with my actions/ But I hope to grow and change each day, hoping to gain traction“- there is a good sound and a good soul to it.

And thank you for  having me in your poem!

You wrote in your poem: “The unfulfilled life fills me with fear because I am afraid that I won’t leave behind anything significant when I’m done here”- you already touched people in your life and you did make a difference, right here in your thread, the longest thread in the history of tiny buddha, Dec 2015.. wait, it is soon to be four whole years!

Thing is, there are thousands of people with entries in Wikipedia, for example, thousands of people who left something significant enough behind (books, songs, scientific achievements, fame and whatnot), but so what? What I mean by it, is who has the time and desire to read about all the thousands of people on Wikipedia? And, having an entry in Wikipedia, hasn’t kept a single person alive and hasn’t brought anyone back from the dead. We all end up dead whether we end up on Wikipedia or not.

What I am saying is, don’t look to earn an entry on Wikipedia and don’t anxiously wait for a time when all the pieces fit together.  Relax into parts of the picture where pieces do fit quite nicely, because those parts do exist for you!

I wish you too a Happy New Year. I hope the new semester at Stockton starts soon enough because you do feel much better there than at home.

anita