Dear Anonymous:

“it sounds harsh to hear something like ‘I didn’t make a big enough positive difference in my family life as a child’, I just wonder was it even possible for me to do so?”-

– no, it is not possible. This is why I wrote to you earlier “If by an act of miracle, you did make a big enough difference in your family life..”- no, a child cannot possibly change her parents or the circumstances of their lives.

It is a dream of a child though to make her mother happy, to make her father happy.. a dream, not a possible reality.

Personally, it took me many, many years to get to the point of believing that indeed it was not possible for me to make my mother happy. I used to argue with myself, as an adult, that if only I made enough money and was able to make my mother rich, make it possible for her to live in a big house and have all the material luxuries she desired in her life… then she would be happy. I felt guilty for not being rich.

“Does anyone make a big enough difference as a child?”- no child can change an unhappy parents, no child can change the thinking or behavior of her parents. It is the delusion of a child that she is so powerful as to be able to make a big difference.

In reality, it is the parents that make a big difference in the child’s life, positive or negative. Not the other way around.

“Is that even something that should be expected of a child?”- a parent should never expect that of a child. Problem is the child expects that of herself.

“I wonder if I spoke up about MY feelings more that could’ve made more of a difference?”- no, no difference. I remember how hard I tried to help my mother, having read books on psychology and self help as a teenager, how hard I tried. She rejected all my efforts.

“How an I NOT feel upset at the thought that I didn’t make a big difference in his life?“, you asked in bold letters. Here is my answer: when our struggle’s origin is in our childhood, as it often is, we don’t like to go there, we prefer to focus on a current situation, a current relationship, and obsess about it. Hence you using bold letters in regard to this man, not in regard to your parents.

Thing is even if you did make the difference in his life and he asked you to marry him, the childhood not-good-enough core belief will still be there.

“I know I’d have so much to offer, yet it seems he doesn’t see this and it bothers me”- no one is more motivated than a child to offer her parents all that she has to offer, but parents often reject the child’s offers, or are not impressed by the child’s efforts. After all, what is a  crayon drawing that a child presents proudly to her parents, to tape to the refrigerator.. or a good grade or athletic performance, when the parent has pressing concerns and worries (that have nothing to do with the child).

In other words, for the child, a parent is Everything. Not the other way around.

“now, I KNOW I make a large positive difference in my family life as we are all adults”,  you wrote. You took care of your father for two months, you do fun things with your mother, makeup and shopping, “Everyone in my family tells me how grateful they are for me and how much they love me”-

– you are still trying to make that difference, but the core belief that you are not making that difference is already formed, way earlier.

It is very, very difficult for an adult child to consider these things, this is why it is easier to focus on this man. I imagine you feel quite distressed with our latest communication, aren’t you?

anita