Hi Anita,
Thank you for your perspective. It has been very spot on and you ask all the right questions that sometimes I don’t want to face or ask myself.

I think you are right in that if I see him out with another woman, or he gets a girlfriend, I would be pretty hurt (as I was that night when I saw him out with another girl). Not because he did anything wrong, but because yes I would be wondering well why not me? What does she have that I dont? I should’ve done a,b,c and THEN maybe he would’ve picked me. And obviously none of that is a positive or healthy thinking pattern. And this does stem from the core believe of not being “good enough”.
I’m still unclear at where the core belief stems from. I have a few theories at where it MAY have originated or began. If you’d like to read:

1) Childhood– I’m a very petite woman, and have always been smallest in all my classes and out of all my friends. This does bring me a lot of attention, but it also brings the idea that I can’t do things, or people assume I can’t because I’m smaller. I also was a tomboy as a child, hanging out always with all boys and my older brother. The idea that I always needed to prove myself and keep up and not show vulnerability or cry, has been an idea that was instilled in me at a young age (6-7). This was re-enforced by my parents praising me “shes so strong! she never cries! she’s so independent! she’s stronger than the boys!”

2) In middle school/highschool I didn’t feel like I was one of the “pretty girls” because I had that tomboy idea still in me…I was a competitive surfer, and have been surfing since I was 7. I didn’t like makeup or fashion like all the other girls liked, so I didn’t think guys would like me because I wasn’t into that stuff. I didn’t realize or feel like I was pretty and feminine until later in life. I thought the things girls liked were boring and at sleepovers I wanted to leave early so I could go surfing the next morning.

3) In college at 18, unfortunately my first sexual experience was a bad one. My best friends older brother (who had a girlfriend at the time) got me drunk and got me to do things I’d never done, even when I said “no this is wrong, we can’t do this” over and over). He made me believe if I told anyone that everyone would hate me and lives would be ruined. This experience was deeply difficult for me and caused many trust issues and relationship problems for years after around sex and men. as well as conflict with my best friend. I was very hurt by this because it confused me why this man who claimed to love his gf wanted to do this with me/seemed to like me, yet still wanted to be with his gf and didn’t want me as his gf. Why would he do this, knowing I’d never had sex before, why did he pick me?  It took years to process this experience and the pain and anger that came with it–It wasn’t until therapy and a caring ex boyfriend who made me realize this was actually considered a type of “date rape” and emotional abuse with the threats that I couldn’t tell anyone and everyone would hate me if I told.

4) As far as parents go, my dad was an alcoholic with a loud/intimidating voice/anger issues. My mom was emotionally closed off, and unhappy with their marriage. I’ve come to realize she struggled with setting her own boundaries and standing up for herself. They divorced when I was 7. He once drove me home when he was really drunk when I was 13. He was a good dad in many ways, but quite a few issues. We have a good relationship, but I too struggle with boundaries with him as well.

Obviously after #3 happened, I had so any walls and defenses up. I didn’t want to get close to ANYONE and felt very lonely in my life. And I caused pain/confusion in guys that did show interest. I was confused and just extremely hurt inside and hadn’t dealt with any of it. No guy was really patient enough to try and understand what was going on inside me (understandable)… but eventually therapy and my first real boyfriend helped me see.

I’m at a point where I’ve done a lot of internal work, mostly through yoga, vulnerability practice, some therapy, and just focusing on the things that make me happiest. But after recent encounters with this new guy, it’s made me see I have more work to do. I’m not sure how else to work on my own self-worth. I just got my yoga teacher training certificate which is VERY exciting to me, and I’ll be going on yoga retreats/meeting new people in the coming year and just continuing the inner work.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

I’m so sorry to hear about your fall Anita! I hope you can get some rest. Definitely no rush in your response… I really just appreciate the words of wisdom and time you give to reading through all my postings.

I don’t remember too many early experiences. I just know my dad was very selfish in that he always wanted to go surfing rather than prioritize his family… my mom always said it was like having another child. I don’t believe they really planned about having kids.
They both worked a lot, full time. I just remember my parents fighting a lot and my dad cussing a lot very loud. My mom would get scared and withdraw or not even want to have a conversation. How could she have a reasonable conversation with someone who was drinking so much?
My mom never really showed sadness or anger.. she always wanted everyone to just “be happy” and “positive” all the time. Was always the time to say “Dont be sad” or would maybe not acknowledge certain feelings at all when it was clear I was upset about something.
My dad also was good at not acknowledging my feelings if I was quiet or mad or in a certain mood.  Perhaps it made them uncomfortable?

I remember being so mad when he drove me home drunk that I couldn’t even speak to him or express my anger. My mom was obviously very upset too but I don’t remember her talking very much to me about it. Maybe she didn’t really know how or was so ashamed of it to talk about it with me.

My dad seemed to sort of favor me over my brother… I don’t know why. But he had always been mean to my brother, calling him names often. I’d always get furious with my dad and “call him out” on that behavior and he’d listen to me because he always felt bad making me upset. My brother eventually struggled with alcohol as well and I always felt like I was the responsible one in my family and more mature, even though I’m the youngest.

Well hope you’re feeling ok and taking it easy.

To your questions about my parents: When my mom would say those things, it made me feel like being sad was a bad thing and I should avoid those feelings or try to change them asap. It also feels like I wasn’t able to peer deeper into those feelings because questions /follow up questions weren’t asked of me as to why I felt that way.. so sometimes I may not have even understood fully the WHY behind my emotions. They were kind of glossed over and then moved on to the next subject quick.

As far as my dad goes.. I feel like he was always uncomfortable around feelings talk, even now he admits hes never been good at “that stuff”. I feel like I never really could show him my feelings, I wasn’t as comfortable verbalizing my feelings to him. They would manifest in silence or irritation, and he would just sense my mood and sort of stay away… not ask so much how I’m feeling or what’s going on with me, just wait till my mood/feelings passed. Or even when he would ask I’d act or pretend like “im fine” because for whatever reason I didn’t want to be vulnerable with him. Maybe that has to do with my tomboy attitude and him sort of favoring me over my brother? Maybe I felt like I had to impress him and being vulnerable for some reason was a sign of weakness– usually a very masculine trait I guess, possibly learned from all the boys I hung out with constantly at a young age.

That’s great Anita you are feeling better!

Thank you for your analysis. It seems quite accurate and makes sense to me as to how this belief came about. Although it sounds harsh to hear something like “I didn’t make a big enough positive difference in my family life as a child”, I just wonder was it even possible for me to do so?

Does anyone make a big enough difference as a child? Is that even something that should be expected of a child? There were certainly times where I felt like the parent/peacekeeper of my family which is not the role of a child. I wonder if I spoke up about MY feelings more that could’ve made more of a difference? Maybe, but probably not. (?)

And relating this to the current situation with this man, why do I feel bad/upset thinking that I didn’t make a big enough positive difference in his life? Is this because it is triggering the past feelings of not making a big difference in childhood? How can I NOT feel upset at the thought that I didn’t make a big difference in his life? It frustrates me because I know I’d have so much to offer, yet it seems he doesn’t see this and it bothers me. Or maybe he does see it, and for whatever his reasons he doesn’t want it.

Fast forward to now, I KNOW I make a large positive difference in my family life as we are all adults—my dad recently got cancer and I took care of him for two months as he went through treatments. My mom and I have a closer emotional relationship as well and she is able to confide more of her true feelings in me. As an adult I’m more feminine and enjoy feminine things, which is something my mom and I can now have fun doing (things like hair and makeup and shopping—something I wasn’t into as a child) She is happier with her new partner, and they’ve been together a very long time.

Everyone in my family tells me how grateful they are for me and how much they love me.

Anyways, thanks again for helping me talk and sort through these ideas.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

Hello Anita,

I certainly have a lot to process with these last few posts. I am at work so I’m not allowing myself to really “go there” with how I’m feeling. But as soon as I am home and relaxed I’m going to re-read and face the probable distress that I’m currently trying to avoid haha.

Regardless, I have to say I’m happy I’m delving into these ideas at 29 years old…. better to go through this now than later in life.
I will write much more tonight. Thank you.

Hello Anita,
I’ve read over these posts again and have processed more of what you wrote.

This stuff certainly brings up the question for me at how can I stop relating to men that I’d like to date in the way that I related to my parents/father ? I find myself continuing to think of this man in relation to all of this. And I’m guessing your answer might be: to work on my core-belief of not being good enough.

How do I unlearn this core belief? I suppose this is the first step, at least identifying where it comes from. I’d imagine if I did unlearn it, a whole bunch of things in my life might change. And I might start realizing other ways in which this belief has led me to making certain decisions or keeping certain relationships. What an enlightening moment.

The man I want to date shouldn’t be someone that I desperately feel the need to offer everything to in order to impress or gain approval from.

This also has me wondering, do a lot people develop romantic relationships with people who just feed into that parent/child relationship they once had ?

I feel embarrassed that this man probably now saw me and sees me as nothing at all, just a girl who has no boundaries and was easy to take advantage of without any effort or commitment. He has no desire to know me any further than what he already thinks of me, despite his apparent interest in being near me/talking to me when I see him in person. He isn’t thinking of me at ALL, while I’m obsessing over him and the experience we had. I’m embarrassed that he thinks I wanted to date him—when now I’m feeling like it would actually be a lot healthier if we just had a platonic friendship this whole time, and I wish I didn’t decide to have sex with him without knowing him better. I have a voice in my head (which is that of friends and society) saying its impossible to be friends with someone you had sex with in the past… but is it?? I feel like it could be possible, without the hope of it materializing into a romantic thing.

I definitely hear what you are saying about how it’s easier to obsess over a current situation, than focusing on the childhood and formed beliefs. That is certainly a harder and more abstract pill to swallow. But again, I’d like to start thinking about how I can unlearn this core belief.

I REALLY don’t want to feel upset when I find out this guy is dating someone or gets a girlfriend, or if I see him flirting with a pretty woman. I’m actually dreading that moment (eventhough I’m almost certain it won’t be as bad/or hurt as much as I’m making it out to be). I’d like for it to just roll past me, and I’d like to feel peaceful enough in myself to remain friendly with him—as it seems we are heading that way (with all the run-ins I’ll inevitably have with him at yoga and around town/out with friends).

Thank you Anita for taking all of this on. I often wonder how you have it in you to hear everyones issues on this forum, and respond with such kind honesty. I also really appreciate your honesty in sharing about how you felt guilty for not being rich and making your mother happy. Humans are such complex creatures… so much to learn and UNlearn.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.