I have been working A LOT on growing faith in myself, and I have made some steps forward:

-I have joined a photography class, and trying to build my self-esteem through creativity. I have taken the Myers-Briggs personality test and am a ENFP, but aside confirming some sides of me I maybe was only partially aware of, it didn’t really change my course of action much. I know I need to work on strenghtening myself.

– I am now able to do my own thing (go out with friends or just read a book etc) regardless of what my partner is doing. Before I would always worry or feel guilty if I left him alone in the house or if we did separate things when we were together. I felt like every moment was meant to be spent with him at all costs. I dependend on him so much emotionally that I would not be able to decide what I wanted to watch on tv without asking him what he wanted. He has always encouraged me to be more independent and I used to take this as if he was ‘pushing me away’. So weird realising now he was trying to help me all along. But I needed to see the issue with my own eyes. Now I am feeling more connected to myself, at least a bit. I can argue with him and feel like I’m right and he’s wrong (instead of automatically thinking he is probably right and i should apologize). But all this makes me feel uneasy because a voice inside me tells me that all these things are happening because I don’t love him anymore.

-I confronted my parents about the past and made them understand what they did was not okay. Since then, they have completely changed their behaviour: they are extremely encouraging now (probably overcompensating). But I don’t see them often as we live in different cities so the interaction is rare.

– I find myself now seeing all of my partner’s flaws, and I feel like I don’t really enjoy his company anymore – it’s like my love for him was based on a huge inferiority complex (he was a hero and I was worthless and so lucky to have him in my life that I needed to do all in my power to keep him), and now that I am feeling a bit more secure, now he is inferior, he is not worth it. I am projecting everything that I used to feel about myself on him. And often I feel I should just leave. But when I am not under deep anxiety, and I connect with myself, I so deeply want things to work between us… Because i have invested so much in this relationship that I can’t give up. And he loves me in such a serene, authentic and safe way. And he is my best friend. And I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel like he is not worth it. Because he should be worth it. He is so wise and mature and steady and generous and calm and understanding and patient and just giving. Even if I don’t feel ‘in love’ anymore. Is this relationship worth saving? And if so how do I do that?