fbpx
Menu

Narsil

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #349796
    Narsil
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    HI again! It does make sense and we are working with that in therapy – it all comes to my fear of not being enough and having everything to be perceived as perfect from the outside. The thing is that I wasn’t feeling this way when I was in London, even though it wasn’t perfect there at all. Life was tough, I didn’t have much money, I felt lonely. But also powerful and independent and free. And I keep going back to that feeling and I ask myself what does it mean to live by your values and whether a place can really change the way you perceive yourself – shouldn’t I feel free, powerful and independent wherever I am? Does the city I live in really matter so much for my mental health?

    #335486
    Narsil
    Participant

    He is being 100% cooperative, he even told me that we can just be roommates for however long I feel like this is the only thing I can commit to. But everytime he makes me laugh or I feel tenderness or affection towards him (we haven’t had sex lately but we are still intimate, we hug and kiss a lot), everytime I feel warmth something in my head snaps and i feel like I need to get out. It’s so frustrating. I don’t want to leave…

    But I am thinking of taking a solo trip of a few days just to strengthen my independence.

    #335284
    Narsil
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth: I really feel for you, as I am in a sort of similar situation – I have been having nagging doubts about my relationship, the same obsessive thoughts as yours: ‘do I really love him?’ etc. The thoughts have been so stressful to deal with that I started going to therapy. I haven’t left my partner but I think about leaving everyday even though I really don’t want to.

    As Anita said, your doubts are probably linked to fear. Something that has really helped me is a website called https://conscious-transitions.com/. Sheryl Paul talks a lot about relationship anxiety and why do we get these thoughts and how they connect to our inner fears. Also YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxNjAXPrJm-MI_jr9Er-ujQ

    Maybe try to understand whether these doubts you are having are connected to something deeper, and also if there is indeed something in that relationship that needed your attention.

    Sending lots of positive vibes your way! Please be gentle with yourself.

    #335280
    Narsil
    Participant

    For Anita: about my parents and my boyfriend, it’s a funny thing. My mom thinks he’s probably a B, and has judged him SO MUCH about the London thing (and I had to defend him over and over even if I was secretly heart-broken about the London thing, but I had to protect him anyway from her judgement). My dad really likes him. But in that dynamic I described, it was really my mom who did all the judging and pressuring and asking for ‘excellence’. My dad has always been much more relaxed about things.

    #335278
    Narsil
    Participant

    I have been working A LOT on growing faith in myself, and I have made some steps forward:

    -I have joined a photography class, and trying to build my self-esteem through creativity. I have taken the Myers-Briggs personality test and am a ENFP, but aside confirming some sides of me I maybe was only partially aware of, it didn’t really change my course of action much. I know I need to work on strenghtening myself.

    – I am now able to do my own thing (go out with friends or just read a book etc) regardless of what my partner is doing. Before I would always worry or feel guilty if I left him alone in the house or if we did separate things when we were together. I felt like every moment was meant to be spent with him at all costs. I dependend on him so much emotionally that I would not be able to decide what I wanted to watch on tv without asking him what he wanted. He has always encouraged me to be more independent and I used to take this as if he was ‘pushing me away’. So weird realising now he was trying to help me all along. But I needed to see the issue with my own eyes. Now I am feeling more connected to myself, at least a bit. I can argue with him and feel like I’m right and he’s wrong (instead of automatically thinking he is probably right and i should apologize). But all this makes me feel uneasy because a voice inside me tells me that all these things are happening because I don’t love him anymore.

    -I confronted my parents about the past and made them understand what they did was not okay. Since then, they have completely changed their behaviour: they are extremely encouraging now (probably overcompensating). But I don’t see them often as we live in different cities so the interaction is rare.

    – I find myself now seeing all of my partner’s flaws, and I feel like I don’t really enjoy his company anymore – it’s like my love for him was based on a huge inferiority complex (he was a hero and I was worthless and so lucky to have him in my life that I needed to do all in my power to keep him), and now that I am feeling a bit more secure, now he is inferior, he is not worth it. I am projecting everything that I used to feel about myself on him. And often I feel I should just leave. But when I am not under deep anxiety, and I connect with myself, I so deeply want things to work between us… Because i have invested so much in this relationship that I can’t give up. And he loves me in such a serene, authentic and safe way. And he is my best friend. And I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel like he is not worth it. Because he should be worth it. He is so wise and mature and steady and generous and calm and understanding and patient and just giving. Even if I don’t feel ‘in love’ anymore. Is this relationship worth saving? And if so how do I do that?

    #334822
    Narsil
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

     

    Thank you for such a thoughtful response. Yes, I did indeed talk about my childhood in therapy, and there is definitely a connection between how I felt towards my boyfriend and the relationship with my parents. They are loving parents and show much loads of affection, but they are also incredibly controlling and they asked a lot from me. I had to be perfect to be deserving of their attention and admiration. If I took A- minus in a test, they would ask ‘why not A?’. My mom sometimes would even tear my homework apart if it wasn’t perfect. She would yell at me for taking a B. I also had loads of extracurricular activities which I had to do to be perfect, like private lessons and volunteer work etc. It felt like I was never enough, and I carried that feeling in my relationship. My boyfriend was the only one in my life who would make me feel like I was accepted for who I am and not for what I do and how I do it. So I guess I put him on a pedestal because I always felt like he ‘saved’ me. But then again something inside of me always thought that I wasn’t deserving of his love and trust and admiration. He is so proud of me and it makes me feel almost uncomfortable. I think the physical distance between us protected me from those feelings of discomfort, but the truth is that I do not know how to fully receive and give unconditional love, because it always felt like love was something that I needed to earn. Maybe moving to Rome was the ultimate sacrifice in this sense, and now I feel like I don’t have anything more to give and don’t know how to deal with receiving love when I am not in the position to give it back at the moment.

     

    To Inky: thank you for your input. I just want to say that London is not ‘home’ to me. I am Italian and I lived in London for three years. I loved it, and I was hearbroken when I had to leave, but I am not sure London would have been the place I would have spent my life in anyway, even if I was single. It was lonely and expensive. But I did love the culture, the theatre, and I had a bunch of friends that I miss. My boyfriend doesn’t speak perfect English so he felt isolated when he came for those six months, and his own issues (insicurities, fear of being a failure) were brought up. And it’s not just ‘some guy’ – I am profoundly committed to him. Otherwise I would have left during this hell of a year. Before the obsessive thoughts started, all I wanted to do was to marry him. We talked about it multiple times. Now I don’t feel I am in a position to take major decisions so all of it is kind of on hold. But I still picture having children with him some day. For some reason, it’s easier for me at this time to imagine having kids with him than to marry him – maybe because the wedding is so charged with ideals of being perfectly in love and doubtless and being at the centre of attention for an entire day and being unquestionably happy and I don’t think I can do that at the moment.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)