Dear hiba:

You are very welcome.

It is interesting, hiba. My mother is Moroccan, born and raised there and I grew up in another country within a Moroccan family. They spoke French and my first language was French (no longer practiced, but still I understand some). Similar to your father (“he called me a whore and hit me”), my mother called me a whore time and time again,  using all kinds of other words too… she went out of her way to verbally shame me. She also hit me. I still feel the anger I had then, the anger I carried on all these years. As well as the anxiety.

(Abuse is not limited to the Moroccan culture of course, there is plenty of it everywhere. And lots of Moroccan parents are loving and kind).

In my first post to you I listed 10 situations that you perceived to be dangerous for you, 10 events that your fear attached itself to. Let’s look at them:

* Each one of these situations: not making friends, to not keeping up with your studies, to being in a new country, being somewhat bullied in school, being in danger of failing your second semester (1,2,3,5,6) are unpleasant situations but not dangerous situations. None of these meant that your life was in danger. Each situations should have been attended to and corrected, but none was dangerous.

* The situation of having breast cancer and another cancer did not happen, they were imagined (4), and your grandmother passing away in Morocco- an unavoidable situation as you know. We will all die. We should do our best to keep ourselves healthy, eat well, exercise, pay attention (be mindful) so to not injure ourselves accidently, and so on. But we can’t prevent getting sick sometime and eventually dying. Better aim at accepting this reality as calmly as possible, instead of fighting it.

* The situations regarding your boyfriend: having a boyfriend who doesn’t dance or talk in an attractive way is not dangerous at all. Having a boyfriend who is “too nice” is definitely not a dangerous situation.(8). Having a boyfriend that you don’t love, as unpleasant as it may be, is not a dangerous situation (9), and being in a relationship where you don’t love the man is also not a dangerous situation.. especially when he is “too nice”! (10).

It is very important for an anxious person to differentiate between unpleasant/ undesirable situations and dangerous situations.

When you find yourself in a situation that causes you elevated anxiety, ask yourself: is this a dangerous situation, is my health and safety in immediate danger? If the answer is No, calm down best you can and next, think how to improve the situation.

In your most recent post you wrote regarding your boyfriend: “my feelings aren’t there… I can’t help being triggered by every little thing he does, his face or actions… I’m always monitoring my feelings.. I can’t help Google and ask people!”

First, it is not a good idea to join the many, many people who doubt that they love their boyfriends/ girlfriends, the big ROCD (Relationship OCD) crowd. I communicated with quite a few and it is so frustrating. Obsessed, they never get satisfied no matter how many times they google and post, day after day, month after month. There is no benefit in it, all it is- is a compulsion that repeats itself and is never satisfied.

“What should I do? How should I deal with this?” Here is a better way to deal with it:

-Understand the fear: “I don’t want to lose my boyfriend he’s all I have”- scary to be that dependent. If you don’t have him, you have no one in France and you will not be able to stay there. Here is the best solution I can think of: explain to him that your current fear is about your complete dependence on him. Ask him to help and support you outside a romantic/ sexual relationship with you. Explain to him that if you can see for yourself that he will continue to help you even though you are no longer his girlfriend, then this fear will probably relax.

The ROCD issue will go away once you are no longer in a romantic/ sexual Relationship with him/ When no longer in a relationship with him, then you will be able to relax and get back to your senses (feel what you will feel about him). When that happens, you and him will figure out the next step.

If and when you are ready, you can post what you plan to tell him (if you take my advice of course) and I will help you explain  clearly to him what is happening and what you need from him.

anita