Hi hiba,

You have to do an exorcism, if you will, of your family.

You know you’ve “arrived” when you either:

1. Don’t see your family again

2. Don’t let your father abuse you again

3. Your father doesn’t abuse you again

I think you went to France and felt “off” because you weren’t done in Morocco. So you subconsciously brought yourself back there to close the abuse cycle. However, it continued. So you went back to France where everything is still “off”.

I highly recommend taking a self defense class. I did, and when my own father grabbed me I extracted myself in less than a second while everyone in the family was in AWE. Told Dad, “Oh yeah, I’m in my second year of Krav Maga.” He must have looked it up because he never, ever, laid hands on me again. The whole paradigm of the family changed when I wouldn’t physically put up with his adult tantrums.

Best,

Inky

Dear hiba:

You are very welcome.

It is interesting, hiba. My mother is Moroccan, born and raised there and I grew up in another country within a Moroccan family. They spoke French and my first language was French (no longer practiced, but still I understand some). Similar to your father (“he called me a whore and hit me”), my mother called me a whore time and time again,  using all kinds of other words too… she went out of her way to verbally shame me. She also hit me. I still feel the anger I had then, the anger I carried on all these years. As well as the anxiety.

(Abuse is not limited to the Moroccan culture of course, there is plenty of it everywhere. And lots of Moroccan parents are loving and kind).

In my first post to you I listed 10 situations that you perceived to be dangerous for you, 10 events that your fear attached itself to. Let’s look at them:

* Each one of these situations: not making friends, to not keeping up with your studies, to being in a new country, being somewhat bullied in school, being in danger of failing your second semester (1,2,3,5,6) are unpleasant situations but not dangerous situations. None of these meant that your life was in danger. Each situations should have been attended to and corrected, but none was dangerous.

* The situation of having breast cancer and another cancer did not happen, they were imagined (4), and your grandmother passing away in Morocco- an unavoidable situation as you know. We will all die. We should do our best to keep ourselves healthy, eat well, exercise, pay attention (be mindful) so to not injure ourselves accidently, and so on. But we can’t prevent getting sick sometime and eventually dying. Better aim at accepting this reality as calmly as possible, instead of fighting it.

* The situations regarding your boyfriend: having a boyfriend who doesn’t dance or talk in an attractive way is not dangerous at all. Having a boyfriend who is “too nice” is definitely not a dangerous situation.(8). Having a boyfriend that you don’t love, as unpleasant as it may be, is not a dangerous situation (9), and being in a relationship where you don’t love the man is also not a dangerous situation.. especially when he is “too nice”! (10).

It is very important for an anxious person to differentiate between unpleasant/ undesirable situations and dangerous situations.

When you find yourself in a situation that causes you elevated anxiety, ask yourself: is this a dangerous situation, is my health and safety in immediate danger? If the answer is No, calm down best you can and next, think how to improve the situation.

In your most recent post you wrote regarding your boyfriend: “my feelings aren’t there… I can’t help being triggered by every little thing he does, his face or actions… I’m always monitoring my feelings.. I can’t help Google and ask people!”

First, it is not a good idea to join the many, many people who doubt that they love their boyfriends/ girlfriends, the big ROCD (Relationship OCD) crowd. I communicated with quite a few and it is so frustrating. Obsessed, they never get satisfied no matter how many times they google and post, day after day, month after month. There is no benefit in it, all it is- is a compulsion that repeats itself and is never satisfied.

“What should I do? How should I deal with this?” Here is a better way to deal with it:

-Understand the fear: “I don’t want to lose my boyfriend he’s all I have”- scary to be that dependent. If you don’t have him, you have no one in France and you will not be able to stay there. Here is the best solution I can think of: explain to him that your current fear is about your complete dependence on him. Ask him to help and support you outside a romantic/ sexual relationship with you. Explain to him that if you can see for yourself that he will continue to help you even though you are no longer his girlfriend, then this fear will probably relax.

The ROCD issue will go away once you are no longer in a romantic/ sexual Relationship with him/ When no longer in a relationship with him, then you will be able to relax and get back to your senses (feel what you will feel about him). When that happens, you and him will figure out the next step.

If and when you are ready, you can post what you plan to tell him (if you take my advice of course) and I will help you explain  clearly to him what is happening and what you need from him.

anita

Dear hiba:

“my anxiety is a coping mechanism.. so it seems like I have  control over what’s happening”- I don’t understand what you mean: do you mean that anxiety is helping you somehow by giving you a sense of safety? As I know anxiety, it is the opposite of safety/ a sense of control and it never helps- it always harms.

“when my mind is in a fight or flight mode and I’m super anxious.. I lose all common sense”- we don’t feel safe and in control when we have no common sense. People often make senseless, impulsive and harmful choices when super anxious.

“I have to google and I have to ask others I feel a big urge to do it otherwise the anxiety is too much to handle.. you just wouldn’t know if you don’t experience it and I hope you never will!”- but I do know how it feels: I suffered from OCD (and was diagnosed with it) for decades, performing compulsions so to relieve  unbearable anxiety. It didn’t occur to me until I read the sentence you wrote, that I just quoted, that you may really suffer from OCD. Because the term ROCD is used by young people who were never diagnosed with OCD, and may not fit the diagnosis. But how you described it: “I have to.. a big urge to do it otherwise the anxiety is too much to handle”- does fit OCD perfectly (I am not a professional, by the way, so this is not a diagnosis!)

I never experienced ROCD myself as a young woman because a relationship didn’t last long enough for me to doubt it. But I experienced lots of other compulsions. I no longer perform compulsions, so it is possible for this to happen. But a person’s anxiety has to lessen over time for it to happen.

“I appreciate your advice, but I don’t think I want to ask him that, I still want to be his girlfriend.. I love him, even though I doubt it every second of the day.. I don’t want to”- and you don’t have to.

Regarding my first paragraph in this post, maybe at this point of typing I do understand what you meant by your anxiety, specifically your fear that you don’t love your boyfriend, being a coping mechanism or helping you feel in control: the fear a child has when growing up with a violent/ scary parent is very intense. What happens next is the child shuts down emotionally best possible, so she doesn’t feel that terrible fear. But the intense fear doesn’t disappear, it is like a great lake of magma underground that rises to the surface as eruptions of small amounts of lava. The original fear, the fear in childhood, is like a great lake of hot magma underground, the Obsession (ex. I-don’t-love-my-boyfriend) is like a small part of that magma rising to the surface of the volcano, and the Compulsion (ex. googling) is like that small amount of magma (turned lava) erupting outside the surface, bringing about a relief.

But of course, the great amount of magma is still there under the surface, and another relief is needed soon enough.

You thanked me, and I respond: you are welcome. And please do post again anytime you want to. I will be glad to read from you again and reply further.

anita