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Family reaction/rejection because of bf

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  • February 18, 2020 at 8:10 pm #338890
    Rina.Al
    Participant

    Hello. Please, i need some advice.
    I am 29 year old female living with my parents again, after moving back to my city due to studies which i eventually paused due to many unpleasant changes in my life.
    The last 1.5 years i am in distance relationship with M. (35 years old) and some months ago he told me that he wants to move to my country so we can live together and see if we can be a good couple in order to take the next step (marriage). Obviously, i agreed and i am very happy about it. He is traveling in few days and we already rented an apartment.
    Background of my family: My parents are conservative even though we moved to europe many years ago. My dad is physically and mentally abusive. My mum is unhappy, passive, emotional and i am the center of her world (too much pressure!)
    So, i shared my relationship with mum but she freaked out when i mentioned the country my bf was born in. She stopped talking to me but got involved my aunt and my grandfather. They are texting me and calling me on regular basis trying to change my mind. None of them ever asked me what i feel, why i chose him, what our plans are, who he is etc. My mum told me that if i choose to be with him then she will leave the country because she is ashamed of me. All three of them think that M. is forcing me to be with him.
    M. told me that we can cancel everything and wait for the “right” moment but i personally dont think it will change anything. However, i dont know how to deal with it. I am almost 30, finally i am happy in my relationship but family pressure is stressing me too much. My dad has no idea about anything and i am very scared to tell him after my mum’s reaction. What should i do? I am hurt and disappointed.

    • This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by tinybuddha.
    February 19, 2020 at 7:15 am #338982
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RinaAl:

    “What should I do?”-

    1. Your physical safety: because your father is “physically and mentally abusive”, and because you are living in his home, with him, your first concern should be your physical safety: to prevent him from physically injuring you. He doesn’t know about your plans to move out but he may find out soon. You may want to move out as soon as possible, to the apartment you already rented (don’t give the address of that apartment to anyone in your family), or even to a hotel or to someone’s home where your father can’t access.

    2. Your relationships with your parents: I don’t see a reason for you to be concerned with continuing to have a relationship with an abusive father. Your mother acted like you are “the center of the world”, but recently she is threatening you to leave the .. center of her world (and the country altogether). She never chose to leave her husband, did she. If she chooses to leave you.. well, let her. (She may be better off away from her husband and the country).

    3. The right moment: Your boyfriend told you that maybe you should wait for the “‘right’ moment”, and I agree with you that it is not likely that there will be a right moment when you deal with a mentally and physically abusive father and an irrational, hysterical mother. So, today is the right moment, I say, to protect yourself from your father and from your mother’s recent hysterics, move out and make a better life for yourself.

    –I hope you post again anytime. This must be a very scary time for you.

    anita

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