Hi Sarah!

I think you have to be careful with those articles on narcissistic personality disorder. The way some of them are written makes practically anyone who is immature, selfish, and ruled by their own ego seem like they have the disorder… when they don’t. And it’s unfortunate that that word is thrown around so much lately, just as much as “empath” seems to be. So many bloggers these days appear to be experts on both, but are they really?

Narcissism exists on a scale, and although someone can be a little further up the scale toward the narcissism side than others, very few actually have the personality disorder. It also takes a specifically-designed psychological eval test and an interview by a licensed psychologist to actually diagnose this disorder. Because it’s tricky.

This guy you’re talking about just sounds really immature. From what you say, he needs attention and validation (which is actually pretty common with social media culture). He likely needs his ego fed externally because he’s missing something internally. He needs to do some growing. You also said he likes drama, which is another sign of immaturity. Immaturity is different than narcissism, even though narcissists also do tend to be immature.

I’m pointing this out, because I want you to know that he may actually have cared about you as a person but just handled things really poorly, as an immature person often does. There are a lot of reasons people don’t let others in emotionally, and his childhood experiences with his dad are likely a big one.

With that said, I think you have a right to feel hurt and upset by this. Rejection feels bad, and you seem to be comparing yourself with his past relationships, but what happened between you and him says nothing about your worth as a person. He clearly has some issues to work through, and there was likely something going on with him in his relationship of 6 months that made him suddenly chase after you so intensely. Given that you started up right after that, he wouldn’t have had a chance to work through whatever those feelings were from that previous relationship (especially if he was bringing up ex-girlfriends… he’s caught up in feelings there still), and that could’ve made him stall out or act distant with you, which, of course, flared up your insecurities. I’m pretty sure emotional distance makes most people feel insecure, so go easy on yourself and just try to find the lesson in this so that it doesn’t repeat.

Do you get paid when you play in the band with him? If so, I would consider it just a job rather than him using you, just for the sake of your own feelings. You play an instrument that is needed in that band, so they asked you if you were available… the same way people are hired in companies who have needed skills. Maybe framing it that way will help you to feel better about playing the gig, but I would probably say no to future gigs as long as your feelings are wrapped up in him. Do you know of anyone else who plays your instrument that could fill in for you?