Dear bones:

I am sorry that you are hurting and hope you feel better very soon, especially since you re facing surgery. Peace of mind will help you in this trying time.

I will re-arrange what you shared so to  understand your story better, and I will comment along the way:

When you were 69 you started dating a 64 year old woman. She told you at the time that she had herpes.

“after a while, I asked her what would happen to us if I contracted what you have, her answer was I would never leave you, no matter how much we argue”-

– this tells me that the two of you were arguing early on and since and that you felt emotionally so dependent on her, fearing that she will leave you, that you were more concerned with her leaving you than you were concerned about contracting the virus.

You then did contract her herpes. Her daughter lives in California, and the two of you planned to move to California, and looked at houses, saw many, put up a few deposits, but found something wrong with each house, so a purchase of a house there didn’t materialize.

At one point you went to a jewelry store to buy a diamond for her as part of an engagement ring, and you bought her a very expensive diamond. At dinner later, with the diamond ring in your pocket, you asked her to marry you. She then gave you “that look.. and she laughed in my face”. Your response: “naturally I didn’t give her the diamond. I waited”-

– I understand you not giving her the diamond. But you waited for.. what?  I ask myself. Possibly you were so used to arguing, and to her being rude to you, repeatedly rude to you, that you simply waited for her to calm down and ask her to marry you at a better time.

You waited, and then on the recent Valentine Day, you went out for dinner and you showed her a picture of a house you put a deposit on, “perfect for all of us” (I suppose the plan was that her daughter moves with you?) and again you had the diamond ring with you. Her response: “she tore into about the past, houses we didn’t buy, wasn’t in love with me, wanted me out of her life”, then you drove home where you lived with her, got all your clothes and left to a motel. The day after, you called, texted and emailed her but she didn’t return your calls, your texts messages or emails.

At the end of your share, you wrote: “now I got H, she is not coming with me. What happened to the promise: I will never leave you…”?

My understanding at this point: This relationship has been unhealthy for a very long time, maybe from the very beginning. There were lots of arguments, lots of rude behavior on her part and you accepted those. You accepted a rude girlfriend in your life, and whenever she got mad, you waited for her anger to go away. Your main concern was to not be alone, to not be left by her.

Reads to me like she didn’t love you or respect you and wanted to use you financially, her payback being a house in California, for her and for her daughter. But she disliked you and disrespected you so much along the way, that she exploded once in a while angrily, showing her disdain for you. At this time, maybe she figured it’s not worth it for her, and she gave up on the payoff.. OR she may calm down and tell you that she is back in and she wants that house in California.

If I am correct, and she comes back to you, seems to me that you will accept her with open arms, give her the ring, and finalize the purchase of that house because you care for not being alone more than anything else. Seems to me that you will choose a rude, disrespectful, unloving woman (and her daughter) over not having a woman in your life.

Am I correct?

anita