Hi there,

I’ve never written in a forum before but I’m in a very difficult situation right now and cannot see a therapist in my town due to the corona virus, so I’m hoping to get my story out there and get some advice or pointers or tips on how to deal with the worst breakup I’ve ever had.

I am from Canada and in 2016 I moved to Adelaide Australia (literally half way across the world) for a university exchange. When I was there I met what I believed to be the love of my life. I was only there for 6 months and I met him early on and we spent a lot of time together, had a lot of fun and laughs together, really started to get close. But I think the pressure of the fact I was only there for 6 months sort of prevented us from telling each other how we really felt. We were also usually drunk when together on the weekends and he had been taking a lot of acid and smoking pot. So we never really communicated to each other about what our relationship really was. We would argue from time to time when I would bring up this topic and he would just run away. He would jump off my balcony, run out my front door, just walk away from any conversation that had to do with it.

One Friday we were speaking all day and he said he was going to come over to my apartment and hang out with me. The evening rolled around and I hadn’t heard from him. He was ignoring my calls and texts. I figured he must have just had a long work week and fell asleep, so I went over to my friends apartment to hang out. We were sitting on my friends balcony (we lived above Hindley street which is the main party strip of the city) and later that night I saw him walking with two other girls. I was heartbroken. We didn’t speak for a whole week after I had messaged him and confronted him about it.

The following weekend I was out partying with some of my other friends (still angry at him for standing me up and betraying me like that). In a drunken stupor we ran into each other and had a massive argument. I wouldn’t let off. I had to tell him how terrible he made me feel. I actually ended up getting arrested and thrown in the drunk tank for the night. Yeah-go me.

we didn’t speak for about a month or two after that, and it came that it was time for me to leave Adelaide. But in the week leading up to my departure he messaged me and wanted to meet up and reconcile. And of course I wanted to because I had fallen so hard for him. We met up, hooked up a few times over that last week, and eventually said our goodbyes. I knew it was hard on both of us. I cried a lot that night when we said goodbye.

but wait… it’s no where near over yet.

fast forward to 2018. We had spoken off and on over the past couple years, but when we spoke it seemed very meaningful. Eventually we both came to the decision that we truly loved each other and wanted to give a serious relationship a try. By June 2019 I was in Adelaide, for him. I travelled back across the world, packed up my life here in Canada, left my family and friends, to be with him. But I was so happy and excited. I had missed him so much. Seeing his curly mop waiting for me at arrivals was one of the happiest days of my life.

i moved into his house with him, we hit it off immediately. We had so much fun together, gardened together, helped him fix his house up, met his family and friends, we had plans of our future together. He even spoke about marriage. I was so happy. It was bliss. We were so in love.

but things started to go downhill. I was stressed with finding work for my specific visa so I could stay. I wasn’t making very much money. But that wasn’t the worst of it, in my opinion. he was also messaging other girls, had photos of his ex girlfriends on his phone, refused to be in a relationship with me on Facebook, he teased me, poked and prodded me, would bite me and bruise me for fun, he even called me by his exes name. He was sort of perverted and was constantly commenting on other women and talking about his exes and speaking to younger girls. I felt intimidated, and like I wasn’t enough for him. And anytime I would bring these issues up with him and try to speak to him about how it hurt me, he would run away. He would leave me in this house by myself away from my friends and family, all alone, to feel unwanted and unheard.

eventually it escalated (after about 8-9) months. I totally blew up at him and yet again, he decided to walk away. I went after him and he just kept pushing me away and at one point I fell to the ground and scraped my face. And he just left me there alone on the ground.

I was so upset and hurt. I was seeing red. I went back into the house and started to break things to feel like I had control again. I made a mess. I called my friends and they came and picked me up. I stayed the night with them and when he came back in the morning and saw the mess I caused he told me to pack my things and leave. There was no talking to him, and even his parents told me to leave as well. They all very harshly wanted me gone. I was so distraught. I went back to the house, cleaned up the mess, packed my things, and I left. I flew back to Canada a few days later (a 35 hour total track to get home while emotionally destroyed) I asked if he would come see me once before I left and he refused, told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. That he wanted to break up and wanted me to “fuck off and leave”.

i haven’t heard from him since. He’s blocked me on social media. I have so much I want to say to him and I’ve tried writing it all down but I can’t handle it. The loss and grief and anxiety and depression is the worst I’ve ever felt. I lost an entire life. Everything I knew the past year of my life ripped away from me. Everything I ever wanted I lost because I was too jealous and had a mental break. Now I’m home in Canada in quarantine and lock down due to this corona virus. I can’t go see my friends, there’s no where to go. I’ve just been sitting here constantly dwelling and torturing myself over this breakup alone. Constant reminders of him and our relationship everywhere. I’m so heartbroken. Will he ever reach out to me again? Am I a terrible person? What can I do to help ease this pain? Have any of you ever had an experience like this? Is there ever a chance we could patch things up and get back together? I don’t know what to think or do. I’m a mess.

thank you and sorry for such a long drawn out story. I just need to get it off my chest and hear real responses from real people (and not my own opinions)