Crystal

Thank you for taking the time to write this reply, I really dont know if my bf truly misses me when we are apart, cause I a the one who always have to make the first move when we ague and break up, he as this mentality that I am wrong and he is right, he has some serious communication issues with me, yet he is very open and talks alot to his families and friends, its like my bf is always watching what he says when he is with me, this is how i feel, im not sure if im overeacting, cause some of my friends says to me that he is a different person at home.
Everytime we get back together he is promising so many changes and that we should talk more and express ourselves more, this is only for a few weeks and then things get back to the same old routine….

My bf is not so supportive when im ill or if i have problems that worries me, yet i am always there for him when he is down, I would feel better talking to my kids or to a friend cause i know im gonna have more support than talking to him, these things frustrates me alot cause it scares me to think that if one day im poorly if hes gonna be there for me???

I find it hard for me to understand him in many ways, I dont know if this relationship is a challenge for him cause I have a very good career, have travelled extensively, , whereas hes not been very sucessful and hes always complaining about his job… I tried talking to him about this but he dont really want to talk.

Today I tried talking to one of his work colleague about their monthly salary and he revealed to me that they earn a lot more then what my bf is telling me, this is why he hides all his payslips and bank statements, im sure the reason for this is so he could contribute very little towards bills and housekeeping, im sure he has savings and other stuff he is not telling me, last year he took out a loan and didnt tell me about it, i only found out when i was going thru his bag and saw the loan statement.when I try talking to him about it refuse to comment. and he goes to me why do i want to know everything about him, it hurts me cause i can never seem to get any explanation for anything that im concern about.
Some of my friends seem to think my bf is not being real with me…but why would he say he loves me and wants to be with me?? he can be loving but there is a side to him that baffles me as its really hard for me to know anything about him, i feel that his mum and sister knows more about what he is upto then i do..
Last year we broke up for 4 months, he never initiated any contact until new years day he sent me a message, and after 1 month we got back together again and all was well, now same thing.
like i say he is not abusive or that he cheats on me, he is just very secretive, and it worries me that i dont know what he is upto.my family tells me that his behaviour is in a way a form of mental abuse and its true cause I have lost all confidence and my self esteem is very low, i get panick attacks when i sleep, i feel very stressed and ive tried talking to him aboutt how i feel and hes not very supportive, saying its all in my mind and that i want to control him.

I tried texting him the other day and he never replied, do you think its worth me calling him?? we live just a mile apart, im sure that if he truly missed me he would have made an effort to talk things thru.
at the moment i dont sleep much, i go thru the same things everytime we break up…its wearing me down alot…

sorry long post.

Bernie