Dear Liz:

“do  you think we could benefit from regular counseling?” – from quality regular short term (or long term) counseling- absolutely, most people would.

“Throughout our two year relationship I did always feel frustrated with him- why does he say he’s going to do things he doesn’t do? Why.. is he so judgmental and yet not very creative.. I just didn’t see him being passionate about anything.. I’d told him a year in he needed to take better care of himself”-

– I want to understand better, therefore I ask regarding this quote:

1. Can you give me examples of things he said he’ll do but didn’t do?

2. Can you give me examples of him being judgmental?

3. How was he “not very creative”?

4. Can you elaborate on him not “being passionate about anything”?

5. How did he not take care of himself?

anita

Dear Liz:

When I first read your original post, “why is he so judgmental”, I thought  to myself, in the context of the rest of your post, that it is you who seem to be quite judgmental. You described things about this man that are what I consider most valuable in a person: “he approaches everyone on the street with the same  glow, the same friendliness, he’s a good and loyal friend… He also really loved me, and would let me know the things I did inspired him.. he seemed to have an endless well of warmth for people… He was very supportive… We always made each other laugh. We could bring each other up”. On the other hand, you complained about what seem to me insignificant things in comparison: “Why does he want to watch sports all the time, why doesn’t he like being out in nature.. not very creative?”.

Before being quick to judge that you are judgmental, I asked you questions so to find out if there are significant things about him that.. I would criticize too if I was you, things you didn’t mention in your original post, I asked you to elaborate on: “why does he say he’s going to do things he doesn’t do”, and you wrote: “when we met he said he’d change his sleep habits (go to sleep earlier)”- this is evidence to me that you are indeed judgmental (quick to disapprove of a person, quick to shine the light on a person’s imperfections and ignore a person’s good qualities)- you didn’t approach the topic of his sleep habits from an attitude of empathy, understanding that it is very difficult to change one’s sleep habits, and that it would be difficult for you too to change your own sleep habits, to match his by sleeping later.

On the other hand, when I read your reply I felt critical of him working under the table and having your name on his business bill. I find those things criticism- worthy, especially if you were to form a legal partnership with him aka marriage or the equivalent.

In your reply to me you wrote: “Maybe I’m the judgmental one”- yes, I agree, even though I join you in some of your criticism of him (the above). Let’s look for more of that judgmental attitude: “Throughout our relationship I’ve been somewhat one foot in, one foot out.. he complained that I never really gave the relationship a chance. Like I was always on the fence with one eye on the door… will any relationship ever be enough for me? I have never been in a relationship with someone where I felt like things were good. And I’ve been in 8 or so.. yet again I’m getting the ‘not enough’ vibes. I just feel like I will  always get those. Like a relationship will never feel right'”.

I  believe that what’s behind your judgmental attitude is an early life distress in the context of the relationship between you as a child and a parent. I think that you are afraid to find yourself in that kind of trap again, so you focus on the negatives of a man and discount the positives so to have a good reason to.. not be trapped with anyone, ever again.

Here is a good example of how you discount the positives and shine the light on relatively insignificant negatives, or traits that are not negative at all, perceiving them as negatives: you wrote about your most recent boyfriend that he was not “passionate about anything”-  discounting any and all passions on his part. You then elaborated that unlike previous boyfriends he was not passionate about writing, building, making, music, drawing, crafting (“A lot of the guys I’ve dated have had so many passions like writing, building…”). Later you corrected yourself regarding your most recent boyfriend: “He was passionate about.. his dog, his friendships, our relationship”-

Before, you discounted the most relevant and significant passion for a woman to overlook:  a man passion for the relationship with said woman!

And instead you shone the light on his lack of passion for .. crafting.

In summary: I think that there is hope for this relationship being resumed in a healthy way. Being passionate about the relationship with you, and being loyal, I think that he will be more than willing to get your name of that bill and to legalize his business. I think that you can work with him, once living with him, regarding your different sleep habits, have him exercise with you twice a week and eat healthier.

But you will need to address what I believe to be your very distressing experience in childhood, being stuck with someone, most likely a parent. Process and resolve that distress so to no longer project it into your relationships.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Liz:

You are very welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation.

“There was a lot of anger and shame in that house”, and fear. When a child experiences the kind of home you experienced, time takes on a different quality: it feels endless. It doesn’t flow. I remember, it feels suffocating, and you want to escape it, but you’re immobilized, unable to move.. fear is like a heavy, suffocating blanket making breathing difficult. I am describing my experience in such a home.

Growing up in a home like this, you  keep wanting those moments of before, sometime long before and those moments from time to time, when the sun feels so new and inviting and the air is cool and fresh, and that youthful joy of life flows out, But in between these moments,  there are those endless traps of timeless misery.

Healing takes processing those distressing emotions under that figurative heavy, suffocating blanket  until we free them from being trapped under that blanket, and they dissipate and disperse into the wide expanse of air above.

Do what it takes to heal, be it in AA, therapy, meditating, etc., and you are welcome to express these emotions here, if typing words helps you with this kind of processing.

anita