Hey. This is my first time asking for advice online but I really do need some perspective.

I am 28, and I have been in one serious relationship which has ended due to him not wanting to get married. I should clarify that I am Saudi and although it is much more modern now, the culture is still rooted in tradition, most of which is “you have to get married before you’re 30” … but I do want a life partner, regardless of if this was embedded in me.

I have a loving family and a lot of friends who always describe me as nurturing and loyal. The level of dependency they have on me makes me feel like a mom most of the time. This all plays into my shock at always feeling like I am NOT wife material.

So I drink alcohol, it’s illegal but I do it, and I disclose the fact to a select few. I drink almost every weekend. Is it too much? I cant ask you guys that but here I am sort of doing it. My family and friends don’t think it is too much. Or they wont tell me. Mom says I should hide it more, just for societal reasons. Men do tell me, one way or another, that it is too much.

After my breakup I met someone, developed a strong connection, and then it fizzled. That’s natural occurrence everywhere but especially here, where most of our interactions are online and it’s easy to stop replying. After reconnecting a while later, he mentioned that he is glad I am not drinking as much as before. That shocked me but also made me recalculate and be more aware that this is an issue.

I met someone else, I didn’t connect with him romantically but we became good friends. He makes jokes about my drinking. I sensed a judgment multiple times.

Then I met a man. I fell hard for him, he made me nervous. I used to drink before I saw him to calm my nerves. We had an 11 month ambiguous, undefined relationship and then tonight I told him I won’t do it anymore and we had a lovely talk where he told me he loved my spontaneity, my good heart and my nurturing soul…but a piece of advice for me was, be careful what you say when you drink. It felt like it was his way of saying i do it too much but he wanted to be nice. This one hurt me the most because through this whole time I thought he genuinely saw me for me, not as a liberal Saudi girl with a crazy westernized family who all drink.

So here it is. My 3rd drinking comment. Drinking isnt a socially acceptable act here, but all these men do it. Less than me, I come from a liberal family and I can do it whenever I want. But they drink. Do I think I drink too much? I don’t know, I’m like most people in my social circle. I think I’m okay. I work an 8 to 5 job, I take care of my family and my dog, I am a homebody most of the week. Just the weekends, maybe I do overdo it. What part of this is from my consciousness and what is societal pressure?

I guess my question is, should I try to change my lifestyle to fit my society and be marriage material? But would I be happy? I’m sorry I’m not looking for a guidebook, just insight and perspective.