Dear Javairia:

“Rationally everyone can tell it was not the children’s fault… but deep down I sure am guilty”-

– deep down you feel that you are guilty. But you are not guilty. You are innocent.

I understand, what difference does it make that I just typed the above sentence. You feel guilty so you believe that you are guilty.

But is it possible to feel that something is true, and to believe it  is true, and yet it surely isn’t true?

Think about a person experiencing a psychotic hallucination: the person is absolutely sure (feeling and believing that) something is happening while it’s not happening at all.

I want you to better understand that concept that it is possible to feel and believe that something is true, and yet it is not true at all.

I felt and believed for decades that I was responsible for my mother threatening suicide for many years. Like you, the rational idea that I was not guilty of her suicide threats and behavior didn’t make a difference to me, I felt guilty nonetheless. I felt like and believed that I was a bad person.

Fast forward, I no longer feel guilty for her suicide threats and behaviors, and I no longer believe that I am a bad person. Finally, what a relief! But it didn’t just happen, it took a long, long time for my emotional understanding  to catch up to the superficial rational understanding that I am not guilty (and it is the emotional understanding that makes a difference in matters of guilt and innocence, not the rational).

Your mother didn’t really see you when you followed her to the laundry room long ago,  and a decade later, she still doesn’t see you. She only sees herself. It is as if, in her mind, only she has feelings and you don’t. She asked you: “Do you remember when your dad hit me, and I attempted suicide?”- as if you are only memory, not feelings.

It is amazing to me, how self centered many parents are, seeing only themselves, as if.. children are.. not people.

anita

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