Dear Juanita:

The way I will respond to your two recent posts (and I often respond this way) is part by part. I read a paragraph, then respond, then I read the next paragraph, etc.:

I am sorry that your cat has a serious illness and I hope she heals as much as possible. You wrote: “I consequently couldn’t differentiate between the good but imperfect and the genuinely bad, who nevertheless can also do good deeds.. learning about ‘good if  not perfect’ vs ‘bad with some good deeds”, and  “I always felt sorry for my (now estranged) husband due to the difficulties he encountered and thus excused his behavior.. I also read a description you wrote for another person about the consequences for a child of lack of empathy from a parent. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. It says everything about my childhood in a nut shell”-

– when a child does not receive empathy from a parent, the child overreaches to the parent, trying to get that empathy. It is like a plant in dry soil, it needs water (empathy) so it grows its roots deeper and deeper looking for water. The child without empathy, tries to bridges the gap of empathy by growing her own empathy roots, so to speak, longer and longer toward the parent. With so much empathy for the parent, nothing the parent does seems bad, all is excusable. And any good expression, be it a smile, a kind word, or a kind deed is “proof” that the parent is good. Fast forward, too much empathy for your husband, and .. same dynamic.

You shared that if you file for divorce your legal right to stay in the country where you live may be negatively affected, plus you will  lose your health insurance, and currently you have no income and he pays your rent and food. You have some debts and you are looking for a job. You also shared that a few years ago, you became aware of a young child being sexually abused. You did all you could  do to help this child (“fought like an enraged lioness”), but you were unable to protect the child from the abuser. This terrible experience led you t feel that you “had so utterly failed in life.. there was just nothing I could do to change that child’s world. I was confronted with total impotence.. Something that became like a dark place within me which just continued to grow”.

You asked me for insights because you need to find your “fighting spirit and self-confidence again in order to rescue myself now”-

– we are all impotent. Think of the richest person in the world, having billions of dollars, living in the most luxurious castle imaginable, on a privately owned island- when that person goes to bed at night, there is nothing he can do to guarantee waking up in the morning. Think of Steve Job, none of his wealth healed his cancer. Think of Bill Gates, another billionaire, lots of philanthropic activity, having been named as “one of the 100 most influential people” by the Times, and yet he failed to solve many of the problems he poured so much money and effort into.

Yes, you were impotent in regard to saving the child, and it hurts, but see the bigger picture, our human impotence. We can try, and often we should try to save ourselves and others, but accept this human reality of impotence best you can. Once you accept your impoence, you will free yourself to fight for what is worth fighting for. Perhaps you can help another child in the future, somehow. For now, do your best to help yourself, fight for yourself because you are a worthy cause. Do all the practical things you need to do so that you can stay in the country where you are now living, have health insurance and some income, pay your debts over time and maintain your separation from this man, later to divorce him. Take one step at a time, , step by step by step.

anita