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Anita – how do I find my joy again?

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  • This topic has 141 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #357866
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Juanita;

    You wrote earlier: “I need more help to find clarity regarding the assessment of people’s characters”-  your husband’s character is a bad character.

    “how to set boundaries with the hurtful ones”- separate from your husband, separate all remaining finances from your husband. Divorce him so that he is no longer your husband.

    I need to take a couple of hours break next, and I may have not responded fully to your last post, if I haven’t, let me know and I will reply further later.

    anita

    #357902
    Juanita
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    just to let you know I am presently working through our “talks” so far and summarising.  I feel like a door has opened in the fog but swings back and forth.  The action I need to take with my husband was so clear last year when I separated but then became ever foggier as the contact with him increased.  Now it is becoming clear again.  I am trying to get back my sense of confidence to be able to deal with life alone – which is ridiculous really as he made my life extremely and unnecessarily difficult.  Those lists are painful reminders.  I conclude that I have some pretty powerful denial mechanisms.  I wonder if it what I learned as a child?  I tried to be invisible, read books night and day, and often hid in cupboards to try and escape.  I really need to get on a highway out of this fantasy escape mechanism.  Do you know of any techniques which might help?

    Juanita

    #357934
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Juanita:

    Mental and emotional clarity is such a good experience, a wonderful experience, compared to that mental fog experience of confusion and doubt and not knowing what to do. So I hope you get more and more clarity, and less, way less fog.

    You wrote that you had some clarity last year, “but then became even  foggier as the contact with him increased”-  better then to minimize your contact with him so to protect your clarity.

    “I concluded that I have some pretty powerful denial mechanisms.. as a child..I tried to be invisible.. hid in cupboards to try and escape.. Do you know of any techniques which might help?”- my therapist at the time (2011) introduced me to Mindfulness, which is about becoming visible- everything becoming visible: what’s inside of me and what’s outside of me. It is about becoming present in your own life experience. I think that the techniques and exercises suggested in the mindfulness movement (there is a lot of literature on the matter, including on the home page of this website on the topic) will help you dissipate that fog and increase your clarity. There are lots of guided meditations on the theme of Mindfulness, for example, Mark William’s series. I think that you can download those for free online.

    anita

     

    #357949
    Juanita
    Participant

    Hello Tony,

    thank you for your thoughts, I look forward to responding but I’m lacking concentration at present as my little cat was operated on and she’s taken a turn for the worst.  Just trying to help with homeopathy and reiki until we go to the vet’s in the morning.

    Juanita

     

    #358035
    Juanita
    Participant

    Hello Tony,

    it is funny how much influence a little chat across the ether can have!  “Meeting” up with you has reminded me of my life long before meeting my estranged husband, when I used to meet nice people and my life flowed.  I have felt very isolated for a long time but I am now beginning to visualise that there are lovely people out there who would be glad of my friendship and glad to do business with me.

    Thank you for your suggestions.  I have watched some YouTube videos of Eckhart Tolle and find him very interesting, but haven’t read the book yet.  I will get it and let you know if it liberates me too – hopefully!  Actually, my little cat has kind of forced me to adopt his ideals because although she is only young she has a serious illness, so I have to make sure I spend every day consciously enjoying her presence and trying to bring her joy.

    I’m afraid it didn’t work out for me to ever have children, sadly.  I wasn’t able to find a secure relationship in time and could never imagine getting pregnant from just any man as I wanted children born of love.  My estranged husband could have given me children but decided not to once we were married.  I should have left him many times over but I had financial burdens and it took time until I was able to resolve all of these.

    I like it that you want to think my parents are just a bit reserved but well-meaning.  I wish it was just that but the reality of it is that I grew up in a severely dysfunctional household.  I do have sympathy and understanding for my parents’ experiences and how this has influenced them, but I don’t think it can be used as an excuse for cruelty and neglect.  However, I myself have been excusing them so far and this has led to being dysfunctional in relationships because I consequently couldn’t differentiate between the good but imperfect and the genuinely bad, who nevertheless can also sometimes do good deeds.

    I have just been trying to deepen my understanding of this with Anita’s help so I can take the right action in my life.  The lists she suggested I write have certainly hit home.  I always felt sorry for my (now estranged) husband due to the difficulties he encountered and thus excused his behaviour, but when I see those lists then there is honestly no excuse.

    Anyway, the main thing is that a little flower of hope is beginning to unfurl within me again.

    Juanita

    #358050
    Juanita
    Participant

    Hello Anita,

    I haven’t been able to respond in depth in the last days because I have been nursing a sick kitty and it became a bit critical, but hopefully all okay now.  But I have nevertheless been thinking everything over that we have been communicating about and re-reading my summary.

    First of all I would like to just say how grateful I am to you for the time you have taken for me and the efforts you have made.  It has really made a BIG difference in a very short time.  I am amazed at how much better I feel.  As you say, increased mental and emotional clarity is wonderful!

    I have bookmarked the Tiny Buddha pages about Mindfulness and will start to learn about it, so thank you for that suggestion.  There is so much out there, it really helps to know what will be most effective for me right now.

    I would like you to know that I have really benefitted enormously from learning about “good if not perfect” vs “bad with some good deeds”.  It used to feel like I wasn’t able to give myself permission to set consequent boundaries with the latter category of persons but I can now feel the truth of it and I believe I will be able to put this into practise.  No doubt I shall be given the opportunity!

    I have also found the various descriptions you have given me very helpful, in particular those which help me to visualise and feel the inner state of my subconscious much more clearly as it was programmed in childhood, like the little fawn.  I also read a description you wrote for another person about the consequences for a child of lack of empathy from a parent.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, but so liberating!  It says everything about my childhood in a nutshell.

    I found your blunt response regarding my husband’s behaviour a bit of a surprise.  Not because I disagree, but because people are not usually that direct.  In fact many people here were confusing me by trying to convince me to rethink things because he’s improved his behaviour in the last 6 months.  But I find it really fantastic that you are so clear and just draw that line.  It feels right; my body knows it.  Whenever I asked myself about him I could always feel that my body was saying “never again!”  But as I believe you understand very well, that fog makes it so hard to figure out even just where is up and where is down.

    I would have filed for divorce last year immediately but there are various complications which would affect my legal rights to stay in the country where I am living now, also as long as I do not have my own income I can only be health insured over my husband.   I started to deal with all those issues last year but then the fog and depression gradually turned me into a zombie.  Since communicating with you I’ve now started to take concrete steps towards independence again.

    Writing those lists about my husband’s behaviour was horrible to go through, but later, whilst mulling things over, I came to realise that I scarcely need fear my future (which I did because of being alone), because it will never be as difficult as the continuous distress and fight for survival which my husband brought upon me.  So that has also helped me to feel a lot calmer.

    My husband has at least been paying my rent and food for a few months now as I have no income.  We have no finances to sort out, neither of us have any savings.  I have some debts.  I hope to find some employment possibilities online (e.g. translating as I am a translator) but until recently I was very insecure about contacting possible employers.  I am not insecure about doing the work, I do very good work, but there was a feeling within me of having lost my confidence overall and I would like to share with you what happened to cause this, Anita.

    Despite my childhood experiences I always felt quite self-confident (at least when it was about business!)  This changed several years ago after I had a very soul-destroying experience.  A young child confided in me about being sexually abused, and although I did ALL the right things and fought like an enraged lioness, I was not able to protect that child in the end i.e. prevent contact with the abuser.  The family also closed ranks, files and reports disappeared, my house was searched, etc.  I didn’t find out until some years later that some kind of abuse organisation was operating in that area and they had infiltrated the police, social services, etc.

    I had never before felt that I had so utterly failed in life.  I usually visualised what I wanted to achieve and fulfilled those plans without difficulty, even if faced with tough challenges.  But there was just nothing I could do to change that child’s world.  I was confronted with total impotence and I began to feel very bad about myself.  Somehow that became like a dark place within me which just continued to grow.

    I hope you might have some insights for me Anita because I need to find my fighting spirit and self-confidence again in order to rescue myself now.

    I have been reading a book on CBT for anxiety, and although it has helped me to realise that I’m not such an anxious person as some unfortunate people, I did benefit from learning to rationally question the nature of my thoughts.  So I do realise my head is full of unrealistically negative assessments of myself.  I haven’t found a way to change that yet though and I am hoping you have some ideas.

    Juanita

    #358052
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Juanita:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your appreciation and your kindness. I read most of your post to me but it is later in the day and I am not focused enough to read attentively and reply. I will be back to you tomorrow morning, in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #358147
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Juanita:

    The way I will respond to your two recent posts (and I often respond this way) is part by part. I read a paragraph, then respond, then I read the next paragraph, etc.:

    I am sorry that your cat has a serious illness and I hope she heals as much as possible. You wrote: “I consequently couldn’t differentiate between the good but imperfect and the genuinely bad, who nevertheless can also do good deeds.. learning about ‘good if  not perfect’ vs ‘bad with some good deeds”, and  “I always felt sorry for my (now estranged) husband due to the difficulties he encountered and thus excused his behavior.. I also read a description you wrote for another person about the consequences for a child of lack of empathy from a parent. It hit me like a ton of bricks.. It says everything about my childhood in a nut shell”-

    – when a child does not receive empathy from a parent, the child overreaches to the parent, trying to get that empathy. It is like a plant in dry soil, it needs water (empathy) so it grows its roots deeper and deeper looking for water. The child without empathy, tries to bridges the gap of empathy by growing her own empathy roots, so to speak, longer and longer toward the parent. With so much empathy for the parent, nothing the parent does seems bad, all is excusable. And any good expression, be it a smile, a kind word, or a kind deed is “proof” that the parent is good. Fast forward, too much empathy for your husband, and .. same dynamic.

    You shared that if you file for divorce your legal right to stay in the country where you live may be negatively affected, plus you will  lose your health insurance, and currently you have no income and he pays your rent and food. You have some debts and you are looking for a job. You also shared that a few years ago, you became aware of a young child being sexually abused. You did all you could  do to help this child (“fought like an enraged lioness”), but you were unable to protect the child from the abuser. This terrible experience led you t feel that you “had so utterly failed in life.. there was just nothing I could do to change that child’s world. I was confronted with total impotence.. Something that became like a dark place within me which just continued to grow”.

    You asked me for insights because you need to find your “fighting spirit and self-confidence again in order to rescue myself now”-

    – we are all impotent. Think of the richest person in the world, having billions of dollars, living in the most luxurious castle imaginable, on a privately owned island- when that person goes to bed at night, there is nothing he can do to guarantee waking up in the morning. Think of Steve Job, none of his wealth healed his cancer. Think of Bill Gates, another billionaire, lots of philanthropic activity, having been named as “one of the 100 most influential people” by the Times, and yet he failed to solve many of the problems he poured so much money and effort into.

    Yes, you were impotent in regard to saving the child, and it hurts, but see the bigger picture, our human impotence. We can try, and often we should try to save ourselves and others, but accept this human reality of impotence best you can. Once you accept your impoence, you will free yourself to fight for what is worth fighting for. Perhaps you can help another child in the future, somehow. For now, do your best to help yourself, fight for yourself because you are a worthy cause. Do all the practical things you need to do so that you can stay in the country where you are now living, have health insurance and some income, pay your debts over time and maintain your separation from this man, later to divorce him. Take one step at a time, , step by step by step.

    anita

     

    #358241
    Juanita
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for your wonderful support.  I teared up when reading your explanation of empathy.  It really speaks to me because I am a gardener and I could so feel that metaphor!  But due to a shortage of time today I will only focus upon one aspect of your last comments and catch up with the rest hopefully this evening.

    At present I am feeling very acute stress because of my little cat.  She is a rescue kitty and has immune system illnesses (like AIDS), so although I know this is not my fault, now she had surgery (castration) and the incision is proving very difficult to heal, and she has awful itching and scratches until her fur comes off, and I am having difficulty staying calm and not feel guilty.  Guilt seems to play a bit role.

    I think because of your support and my growing awareness, I have now been able to realise that I am feeling very similar to the situation with the child.  I am observing myself, seeing how I feel nervous and can’t eat, worrying about what to do and feeling that impotence again.  I see now that it is as if I cannot allow myself any failings whatsoever, yet although I am doing my best, it is a big internal struggle to keep calm.

    I have now made some new plans of action, sought other solutions, etc. and I’m trying to allow myself that “this is good enough”.  I can see that my little cat is feeling a better since I changed the medicine and we have a good rapport now where she allows me to give her the meds without any fuss.  I am telling myself that we will build upon this and it will get better.  I will also take her to a better vet.

    But behind all this I can feel how I want to cry so much, as if I would be so terribly to blame if I am not able to make her perfectly healthy and perfectly happy.  Is this also from my childhood do you think?

    Juanita

    #358244
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Juanita:

    You are welcome and I am sorry that you’ve been experiencing acute stress. It is positive that your cat is feeling better, reacting better to a new medicine. You wrote that you know that your cat’s sickness is not your fault, but you feel guilty anyway. You feel that your best is not good enough because it is not perfect (“as if I would be so terribly to blame if I am not able to make her perfectly healthy and perfectly happy”). You asked: “Is this also from my childhood do you think?”-

    I am guessing that as a child you tried hard to be perfect for your mother, so that she will love you (?)

    If  you did, you experienced that your best efforts failed to get the result you wanted (her love)-> the emotional experience of impotence. You took responsibility for her not loving you-> the emotional experience of guilt.

    You currently experience “a big internal struggle to keep calm”. If you thoroughly understood, on the emotional level, that your mother didn’t love you because she was selfish and unloving, and not because your best was not perfect, then you wouldn’t feel guilty or impotent. It is about redefining the problem and the solution. The problem was not that you were inadequate and unlovable, but that she was unloving. The solution you tried then, to become adequate and lovable by being perfect didn’t work then because it was based on the wrong problem.

    Fast forward, your cat is sick because of a chronic immune disease she has and had before she came into your life, not because you are inadequate. You didn’t cause her disease and you can’t fix it. You are good to your cat. You are not guilty. You deserve to be calm. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

    anita

     

    #358397
    Juanita
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    you have had me in tears again!  I felt that something shifted within me when I read your words.  I felt it instantly but had to re-read the part about misunderstanding what the problem is and what the solution is several times, as if I were standing on my head whilst reading.  It took a while to filter through and emerge as a clear image.  That is genius!!!  I keep reading through various things you have written and I can feel that something is changing deep within me.

    I am also feeling such enormous gratitude, both for being somehow guided to this forum, as I had no idea that such things existed, and for your generosity with your time and wisdom.  I felt very much at rock bottom when I began searching for answers and I can hardly believe how fast I feel a change for the better.   I do very much believe it is because of your amazing clarity and directness.  It really speaks to me.  I know I am still developing this missing emotional understanding, but I am starting to believe I might actually one day be able to feel as clear and calm as you describe.

    We went to see a different vet today and I am much happier, having received more info and support by far.  We still have a way to go, but what he said made sense and I hope the stuff he gave me will finally get the wound to heal.

    I want to return to some of the other subjects we’ve been writing about but my internet keeps going (it’s too windy) so I’m going to at least respond to your last comment whilst I still have enough connection.

    So, yes, you are spot on, I’ve been trying to please my mother all my life, and never been even close to becoming “accepted”.  It is still taking practise to consciously acknowledge, “I was a good child, she was selfish and uncaring”, but I know it is true and accordingly I can feel myself being less self-critical and frantic about the situation with my little cat.  How magically linked these things are, I had no idea!  But now I am feeling this awareness and trying to work with it as best I can.  Thank you so much for those supportive words.

    Juanita

    #358404
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Juanita:

    You are very kind and I appreciate you greatly for your kindness: it is kind of you to express your appreciation the way you do, when you do.

    The last paragraph of your recent post is very meaningful to me. What caused you to feel very badly earlier, that “acute stress” you mentioned, was partly that your cat was feeling badly and you were not happy with the vet you took her to at the time, and partly because you blamed yourself for what you were not guilty of. The torture of blaming yourself and accusing yourself was a big part of that acute stress.

    Once you took your cat to a different vet, a better vet, and she feels better, and you “being less self-critical”, that is less blaming and accusing yourself- you feel much better.

    This means that in all situations where there is no rational basis for you to  blame or accuse yourself, if you maintain the non-self-blaming, non self-accusing state of mind, you will feel better.

    anita

    #358506
    Juanita
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am very relieved because the cream from the other vet works a treat and the wound seems to be finally closing!

    Yes, your summary of the real reasons for that acute stress is spot on.  It is so great that you drew my attention to this because it has brought me so much awareness regarding my emotions.  I’m now starting to actually register the high emotional reactivity which I’d read is a result of insecure attachment.  I’m a pretty peaceful person so it was hard to relate to that at first, but with your help a new window has opened and I’m starting to realise what is going on under the surface.

    For practise, the universe gifted me another “stressful” experience yesterday, as the landlord sent builders to repair the roof and they dislodged some bird’s nests.  I only found out by chance when I went to see how things were going and saw all these baby birds on the floor!  Thinking of my cat, I rushed to put them in safety, but then I realised there was nowhere to return them to, so I had to quickly learn how to feed baby birds and keep them warm etc.  I eventually found a bird sanctuary and was able to take them there, thank goodness.  That was a long day!!

    When I first found the little birds, I observed how I started to get extremely stressed and panicking that I couldn’t feed them and it would be “my fault” if they died.  But then I noticed this felt very similar to the situation with my cat recently and I was able to totally step out of all that critical thinking and fear, and I said to myself, “keep calm, do your best, it is good enough”.  And it really worked!  It was then so rewarding when I actually got the little dears to eat, it’s quite amazing to play Mummy to little birds, but feeds every 20-30 minutes are very time consuming!

    Then another very stressful thing happened, namely on the way home from the bird sanctuary I telephoned with my husband and he told me not to drive back through the village he lives in because there were signs that they’d be spraying disinfectant from the air.  In that moment I just believed him, I’d had a headache all day, was tired, hungry, overheated …  So I had to drive a further 25 miles to avoid that area, but then the access to the motorway was closed.  A policeman explained how to get to another motorway access and I commented that I was only there because of the disinfectant in ** village.  He said he’d not heard about such a thing.

    I nevertheless took the motorway, being already far out of my way, but then I started to wonder how that could be true if the local traffic police didn’t know anything about it.  So I drove to my husband’s house.  Everyone in his village was driving around quite normally, taking walks, etc., and my husband was watering his garden.  I asked him why he’d told me such a lie.  I saw that look of dishonesty sweep over his face but he flatly denied it, was offended, the victim, “was only trying to help”.  I didn’t say any more, just went home.

    Precisely this kind of behaviour is what used to make me feel really ill living with him.  I so often had the feeling that he was lying, yet it was about such ridiculous things it felt confusing due to the lack of logic.  He’d never admit to it, and like with this, it was often about really bizarre things.  It often made me doubt myself though; sometimes he’d deny he’d even said anything at all, i.e. I must be having hallucinations.

    I was so happy to get home and felt so strongly how utterly imperative it is that I get that man out of my life.  I wonder what you think about his behaviour?  My conclusion is that he says such things to get a power trip.  Namely he not only said to avoid his village, he said to keep myself and the cat indoors when I got home.  I know he used fear-mongering to control me in the past and I assume this is what he imagined he was doing.

    I have been doing acupressure on myself and deep breathing to help calm my body, as I get so much tension from the interactions with my husband.  I also found some very helpful information and guided meditations on a Mindfulness website which really speak to me and are specifically geared for learning to deal with difficult emotions.

    Recently I saw a photo of us from years ago and a lot of emotional confusion arose, because it looked so normal, I thought we were quite normal, yet now I see his behaviour much more clearly and know it is anything but normal.  I am so glad to now have a meditation to work through that kind of emotional fog which will inevitably arise when I see him.  And I am so glad to be feeling so clearly again that my goal is to never have to see him again!  But it is good to know I will be able to deal with people like that in the future, and any emotional reaction I may have.  That is a good feeling. That makes me feel more secure!

    Juanita

     

    #358507
    Juanita
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m posting this separately as it’s about something completely different, but something I’d like to share with you.  I’m sorry it’s a lot to read, hope that’s okay?

    It’s about a situation where I feel very challenged as I have been too afraid to get close to people after all the deception and disappointment I experienced, having discovered many of my so-called friends were actually frenemies.  But I want to embrace life again, so …

    An acquaintance of mine is coming to visit me today.  We are going to talk about the possibility of setting up a business together (plants/garden centre/agriculture).  It is still very much theory though as neither of us has money, so we would have to look for an investor.

    I set up our horoscopes as a relationship.  It is overall amazingly excellent for setting up a business and working constructively together, but there are two things I’m not so happy about, and they are “old friends”.

    The first is that it shows a lack of balance: one person is more “advanced” in some way that the other.  What if each were to feel that?  She has land, machinery and contacts, but I have much more practical knowledge and a much broader range of practical talents.  How to craft a fair deal under those circumstances?

    I am concerned because I always chose love relationships which were unequal, they were either intellectually or otherwise not really on a level with me.  I don’t know this person that well, but maybe there is something I need to be aware of to not attract unequal partnerships, or how to fix this?

    Secondly, there is a very worrying indicator regarding relationships (Neptune, in case you know about astrology).  This  planet represents deception and is the indicator I’d have paid attention to with my husband, had I known astrology back then.  However, this doesn’t mean she is the deceiver, it could mean we both have to be careful of being unrealistic, and unfortunately definitely indicates the possibility of being deceived by our clients, or lawyer, accountant etc.

    BUT – if you are very consciously aware and spiritually active, then you could make this into something positive, as Neptune also represents spirituality.  I don’t know if that’s a lot to ask of oneself or another person though. I suppose you could say Neptune is like the god of Mindfulness in a positive sense, but those who don’t find the positive entrance end up lost in addictions and fantasies.

    This relationship horoscope also shows a Neptune-Mars connection which means you could realise your dreams through taking action, and you can sell your clients the realisation of their dreams.

    I love all the beauty and art and spirituality of Neptune, it’s my life’s blood, especially when expressed in nature, but I have had so much negative experience with its negative aspects, like getting caught up in illusions, fog, fantasy.  I’ve never had problems with addictions of any kind, Neptune always turns up for me negatively through relationships (though not all).

    On the other hand … I realise everything is going to have ups and downs as we are all only human and I urgently have to do something to become financially independent again and never have to see my husband again, and I certainly feel very good about plants.

    I will speak with my friend about this today too, of course, but I am very interested to know what you think of all this and what comes to your attention?

    Juanita

    #358521
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Juanita:

    Good to read that the cream works well for your cat! And it’s good to read that you protected and took care of the baby birds who lost their homes on the roof of your building, you are a good person!

    I was so pleased to read just now how you connected the situation with the birds to that with your cat, recognized the guilt part of your acute stress, talked to yourself, stating the truth to yourself, that you are doing your best and that your best is good enough (“do your best, it is good enough”), and it worked. Keep doing what works. But be prepared that what works will not work every time, or will not work as well at other times. Keep at it regardless, overall, over time, it will work.

    I just read about your husband’s latest lie, regarding a disinfectant having been sprayed from the air down to his village. When you confronted him, he “flatly denied it, was offended, the victim, ‘was only trying to help'”. Good thing you “didn’t say any more, just went home”.

    “this kind of behaviour is what used to make me feel really ill living with him. I so often had the feeling that he was lying, yet it was about such ridiculous things it felt confusing due to the lack of logic. He’d never admit to it.. It often made me doubt myself.. I must be having hallucinations.. I wonder what you think about his behaviour? My conclusion is that he says such things to get a power trip.. to avoid his village.. to keep myself and the cat indoors when I get home.. to control me.. I get so much tension from interactions with my husband.. emotional fog which will inevitably arise when I see him”-

    My thoughts and answer to your question: it’s a no-brainer that you need to not have this man in your life in any way, shape or form. His behavior is crazy-making, it is an offense to sanity and mental health. It is as if he decided at one point on that his purpose is to offend your mental health, to cloud your thinking, to confuse you, so that you doubt yourself. Well, it is possible that he thought this, cold heartedly.

    More likely, he came up with this strategy without much awareness. Here is how he could have come up with this strategy without much awareness (this is a possibility only): let’s say that when he was a child, his mother was very judgmental, very severe. When he did something she didn’t like, something that wasn’t wrong to do, but she didn’t like it for whatever reason, she screamed at him, maybe even beat him up. He had no  way to make her stop picking on him because .. he couldn’t predict what she will not like next. So he started to lie to her, about anything and everything, on a regular basis, so to confuse her, to throw her off guard, so that she will not be clear enough to be able to focus on him.

    Fast forward, he does the same thing with you, a repetition of what he did before. By now, it’s his habit.

    Good to read that you found acupressure, deep breathing and guided meditations online helpful. You wrote that you expect the emotional fog to arise when you see him again. First, I hope you don’t see him. If there is a way for you to not see him, don’t. But if you do, keep the meeting as short as possible and focus on the business purpose of the meeting. Don’t talk with him about anything personal.

    Think of it this way: when you see his mouth moving, assume that he is lying. Don’t consider if any part of what he says is a lie or not (it’s too much work and it is impossible to do). Assume it is all lies. Better meet him only for business, practical matters, and preferably in a business setting.

    Regarding your second post (it’s not a lot to read, it’s okay with me): you were to have a meeting with an acquaintance regarding a plants/ garden center/ agriculture business idea, a meeting you probably already had by the time you read this. She has land, machinery and contacts and you have more practical knowledge and talents than she does. You set up a relationship horoscope, and it shows that one of you is more advanced in some way than the other, suggesting then an unequal relationship, and you are anxious about getting into another unequal relationship, be it business or personal. In addition to the inequality factor, the astrological evaluation suggests that there might be a deception factor, and you worry that it means that you will encounter deception, if not on her part, then on the part of clients, a lawyer or an accountant.

    “I am very interested to know what you think of all this and what comes to your attention?”- I don’t know much about astrology. Of what I do know about it, I don’t see a scientific truth to it. So I will address your concerns only, concerns that arrived at your awareness while you were engaged with the astrological exercise:

    1. Regarding inequality in knowledge, skills, talents, land, machinery and contacts when it comes to forming a business, it doesn’t read to me as a disadvantage at all, but a logical foundation for a business partnership, a reason for the two  of you to cooperate and to have a Win-Win business relationship.

    2. Regarding deception in the business context- because neither you nor her have money to invest in a business and therefore you will need a third person to invest, it will be that third person’s responsibility to see to it that his or her money will not be misused, and your job will be to use the investor’s money responsibly and with complete transparency according to the rules and regulations to using the money and resources (material resources such as her land and machinery and immaterial resources such as your skills and talents), rules and regulations agreed upon by all parties to the business, set up in a business lawyer’s office.

    anita

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