July 29, 2020 at 6:11 am #363039JohnParticipant
I did 2 horrible things that keep me up at night and make me hate my self..when i was about 8 or 9 years i peed in a bottle and gave it to my grandpa to drink i told him it was juice and he drank it..my parents found out,yelled at me all that..my grandpa was always good to me and he passed away years ago so i cant even apologize..
The second event was when i was 14 i stole my fathers gold jewelery and traded it for a motorcycle,(the guy tricked me didnt even give me a motorcycle just took the gold).My dad said he forgave me multipul times but still my heart hurts..
II know i am not the same person as then (i am 22 now)i try to do good and everyone thinks i am but i think i am horrible for those things..it’s like it will forever haunt me..thanks for listening anybody..July 29, 2020 at 6:27 am #363108
* John: please start your own thread by going to the top of the page to FORUMS, scroll down to CATEGRORIES, choose one (tough times, perhaps), click it, scroll down the page to the empty boxes for the title and body of your thread.
anitaJuly 29, 2020 at 3:13 pm #363153JuanitaParticipant
It is true, many people all over the world are “living” in terrible suffering, which I believe has become continually worse ever since the industrial revolution in the so-called “advanced” Western countries.
I would personally definitely not describe my childhood as having been a holocaust. I know I am suppressing a lot of feelings, yet despite it all, optimism and positive expectations still lived within me until relatively recently, and I hope to find my way back to that way of being.
I am not sure if I made you feel uncomfortable in some way when I expressed my sadness and heartfelt empathy about this description of your childhood? Or if I perhaps accidentally ventured into an area which is part of the things you do not wish for me to mention and which you don’t want to discuss with me? You can always say so, I would not take any offence at all, even if it is “just” regarding a single word or very specific topic.
For me, expressing my sadness and incomprehension is because although there is indeed much suffering all around us, you are now for me like the rose who the Little Prince befriended on his planet. He saw on his journey that countless other roses seemed identical, but it was the shared time and companionship which made “his” rose nevertheless unique and infinitely meaningful to him.
Thank you for telling me about “Beginner’s Mind”. I read up a little more about it. It seems that I am onto a good thing then!
I teared up when reading about the difference between reacting and being a creator. That was a very helpful explanation, thank you. I feel this is the way to go. I am beginning to feel ever more strongly that I am not so much merely re-discovering who I am, as also deciding who I choose to be now – the “creating” you mention.
I think I have a balanced idea of how I can expect to be able to trust you, very much as you yourself described. I think this is because you have been consistent in your communications with me though. I know you are sometimes tired or emotionally involved in your own processes, which is natural, but your overall constancy remains the same. I am very aware of not feeling so relaxed about trusting other people.
You know, what you write about your unusually realistic dream of flying made me think of something I have read about called “Lucid Dreaming”. It is not something I ever fancied to experience as I feel the very lucidity of it unsettling to me personally. Maybe you can read up on it and see if you feel that it matches your experience?
When I first read your post of 28<sup>th</sup> July, 9.58 am, I was disappointed when I got to the last two paragraphs. But I gave myself some time, as I always do when reading something from you which I don’t understand, because I know that you care and are giving me valuable advice. Then suddenly a light went on in my head and I realised I was doing the same thing again – looking for an instant saviour and a quick exit from my pain via a therapist (those “God-like” people my Inner Child sought) Wrong! Wrong!
I was then so deeply grateful yet again for your support, feeling again so lucky and blessed to have chanced upon this forum and be able to benefit from our communication. I can see a pattern emerging, as I hoped for the same thing when we communicated about the caged wild animal, and I am sure this has been at the base of many of my interactions in life so far.
I also felt very uncomfortable for some time, wondering what I am going to do with all this pain and anger, all these emotions I would like to be free of? The very thought of having to drag my way through years of therapy, all the well-buried horrors being dragged up to the surface again … not a nice prospect. But at the same time it is just a plain fact that my joie de vivre is still not fully there. Maybe I don’t need it to function, but I believe that I do, because I know from past experience that it is much easier to plan and execute when you feel full of enthusiasm and confidence, and there is also a much better success rate, and more resilience towards problems and failures. It feels to me that living without it is like being just a life-sized cardboard cut-out figure of myself, a one-dimensional me.
I also considered that one of the problems I experienced with my last therapist was a lack of understanding of my position as a foreigner. I wondered if I might find an English speaking therapist locally, so I looked and to my surprise I found a lady who is also an English speaking foreigner and who specialises in Mindfulness. I am thinking that it would be good to try and learn the emotional regulation skills from her which you have recommended to me. I have made an initial contact.
I reflected that I have spent a lot of my life trying to escape, always on the run, moving on, hoping for absolution in a new start. But from today I am trying to revision my life as being with these painful feelings, at least for some time to come, but also daring to nevertheless take some active measures to start living my life again. I am sad not to feel as enthusiastic and passionate as I used to, but who’s to say that won’t come back again.
As usual, the day was too full, my evening is too short, and I have to be up early and out the house. A long day ahead tomorrow. I am going with my husband to take my old dog to a specialist for spinal injuries. This person should be able to confirm exactly what is wrong with her, and then on Friday we will go to a specialist dog rehab centre. Hopefully the poor sweetie will then finally have less pain. She is such a lovely dog, I always call her my four-legged angel, as she has such a happy personality and sweet disposition. She always loved playing with small children, she was so gentle and seemed to have exactly the same idea of fun as they do.
Sorry if I’ve missed out responding to some points or been a bit of a grasshopper with my subjects. My energy is rather low but I was so looking forward to responding to you. Unfortunately my landlord interrupted me with an unexpected visit too, so my time was shortened and my concentration is even lower.
Thank you for responding to that person crashing this thread, by the way, I very much appreciate that.
JuanitaJuly 29, 2020 at 3:50 pm #363157
I read much of your recent post. I am not focused enough at this time (getting close to 4pm my time, and it is a very warm day), so I will be back to your thread, re-read and reply in the morning, in about 14 hours from now. I hope you have a restful night.
anitaJuly 30, 2020 at 7:16 am #363206
“I am not sure if I made you feel uncomfortable in some way when I expressed my sadness and heartfelt empathy about this description of your childhood?”- you are amazing, your ability to sense things, just amazing. Yes, I felt uncomfortable with the empathy, so much so that I made a mental note to myself to not share with you anything about my childhood anymore.
But because of your recent post, with the quote I started this post, I have the opportunity (thank you!) to learn something about myself and make a different choice. Instead of not sharing anything about my childhood with you, I will simply tell you the truth: I am not used to empathy being directed at me, it makes me uncomfortable. But I want you to be able to express yourself and it will be good for me to be able to receive a bit of empathy, so if you feel comfortable with it, when you want to express empathy for me, please do it in a mild way, a mild form of empathy, just a bit of it, and move on quickly enough to the next topic.
I am smiling now as I read about he rose, I feel that we are both roses for each other, because this “shared time and companionship” on this thread, is special for me too (and it being a public forum doesn’t take away from it being special)!.
I appreciate what you wrote about trusting me, “overall constancy remains the same”- I like the way you put it. About my dream of flying, yes, I suppose it was a lucid dream, thank you for bringing it up, sometimes it helps to name something, label it, easier to put it away neatly and move on.
“all this pain and anger.. the well-buried horrors being dragged up to the surface again.. my joie de vivre is still not fully there.. enthusiasm and confidence.. living without it is like being just a life-sized cardboard cut-out figure of myself, a one-dimensional me”- you definitely don’t read like a one dimensional you, I see/ feel your dimensions. Regarding your subjective experience, which is what you are talking about here- what I relate to is that because the anxiety I experienced as a child was overwhelming, and anxiety is a negative neural excitation- my brain, in its quest to survive, withdrew/ shut down, best it could, from experiencing any kind of neural excitation, be it negative (fear) or positive (enthusiasm).
You made initial contact with an English speaking therapist who specializes in mindfulness- I hope it works out for you!
I am curious to find out what the vet you saw today (if you did) said about your four-legged angel’s condition
I am sad not to feel as enthusiastic and passionate as I used to, but who’s to say that won’t come back again. As always, if I fail to respond to something in your post that you want me to respond to, let me know what it is.
anitaAugust 1, 2020 at 4:05 am #363421JuanitaParticipant
just a short post to let you know that I am not yet able to reply to your last post with the concentration and ability to express myself (especially my happiness regarding your decision to accept small gestures of empathy from me), because the last two days were utterly exhausting, both from the heat, the worries about my poor old dog, and the endless hours spent with my husband. There are also some very sad anniversaries around now, so that I’m just having to give myself time whilst I work my way through boxes of tissue and listening to sad songs to help get it all out.
I will post as soon as I am able. In the meantime I wish you a lovely weekend. It is a light in my present darkness to know you are there.
JuanitaAugust 1, 2020 at 10:11 am #363464
Thank you for the note. Do take all the time that you need to reply to me further. I hope that your dog heals, that the weather improves, that you don’t spend time with people who are not good for you, and that experience all the healing that is possible for you. I wish you a good weekend and thank you for bringing the first smile of the day to my face, being a light in my morning!