Dear Iris (chezka21):

By “second older sister” I meant one of the two (or more) sisters, not referring to the order of your sisters’ ages. You had two parents and three older siblings: an eldest sister, a middle sister, and a bother for thirteen years. At 13, you found out that all along, you were your eldest sister’s daughter, and your two other siblings were your aunt and uncle. And that your parents were your grandparents. You later found out the reason: that your grandparents were ashamed of the evidence of their daughter having had sex outside marriage, and that evidence.. is you.

This is not an uncommon happening. I personally communicated for years with a member who also discovered that her sister was her mother, her siblings were her uncles and aunts, and her parents were her grandparents.

I imagine that when your parents (grandparents, that is) left you behind in the Philippines, you were upset and you missed them. You lost one home that you had by the time you were 8. Then you lived with siblings, one was often absent working in the cruise ship- no stable home for you. Four years after you lost your first home, the one with your parents, your eldest sister, took you with her and her family (husband and child) when they moved to the UK, and then moved again within the UK, still an unstable life for you.

And then, more of your stability was taken away from underneath  you: the shocking discovery that everything you thought was true.. was not. For as long as you thought that you were your eldest sister’s sister, it made sense that you were somewhat of an outsider to her nuclear family of husband and child. But when you found out she was your mother, I imagine it hurt and angered you that you were not a part of her nuclear family, that you were an outsider all along.

The results of this discovery and keeping it to yourself for two years were more anxiety, anger, depression and loneliness. I imagine the extent of the loneliness involved in keeping this shocking information to yourself for two whole years.

When you traveled you are distracted from the anxiety, anger, depression and loneliness. When settled in one place, you are not distracted, so you feel these things sometimes acutely.

Regarding your feelings about your fiancé in relation to his grandmother, here is a possibility for you to consider and let me know if it is true: you want you and your fiancé to be The nuclear family, a family of two (you and fiancé) and future child or children.  You no longer want to be on the outside looking in. You want to be central to your fiancé. You don’t want anyone to dilute your nuclear family. (?)

anita