I can only answer #2:

For me – since my rude “awakening” (My inner-voice repeated “awakening” with a distinct sneer) – the very laws of physics seem in flux. I doubt the (my interpretation) of nearly every moment.

At least before I KNEW the world sucked, and I knew why. I was a master of sizing a person up and, like you, presenting what they needed so I’d be liked.

And when I say Master, I mean MASTER.

Introductions; quick small-talk to scout the terrain; lay into a few high-charged topics using statistics as your guide to find the sore spot; add a few sympathy words in a quite aside and – never lie – confide a similar story if you have one.

I never used it for financial gain. Didn’t until this moment see the process. It was my way into your head and heart to manipulate for something far more fraudulent: your opinion of who I am.

Who I am, I’ve always believed, was murdered shortly after birth. And while I HATE them it is nothing compared to what I feel toward whatever started all “this.”

I’ve HAD to present a slapped-together persona because there has never been anything else there. There was never any time to develop or grow or look…. I was too busy hating.

That’s what I can’t seem to let go of.

In my case, I resist looking. When I read somewhere the suggestion to make a list I either have a panic attack or, if I’m strong enough that day, quash that down and release it as cynicism all over that list. The same with meditation, e-courses, etc. Anger always gets in the way.

Too scared to jump out of the frying pan, and slowly dying where I am.

No solutions, but at least you know you’re not alone.