Dear Tania:

1. Regarding the “poor tania” comment, “should.. I just ignore it.. maybe it’s just my sensitivity..?”- yes, I think it is your over-sensitivity. You asked if you should ignore it, but you  know how difficult it is for you to ignore things that bother you a lot.. you keep thinking and thinking about them, just like I used to do, because I was over-sensitive too.

“Should I ask my husband..?”- if I understood correctly (I may be wrong)- you looked at this chats, on his phone, without his permission, and if so, asking him what that comment meant, would be letting him know that you secretly looked at his phone, no?

2. You shared that your entire life you felt lonely, unattended to, unloved, jealous, suspicious, starting perhaps with your father who in elementary school complimented your friend and you felt very jealous, that he liked her more than he liked you. You remember that he never celebrated your birthdays (except when you were 1) and you felt disappointed every birthday. And when he was angry he told you that your face looked like your mother’s face, whom he hates the most.

You wrote about your father: “although I know much that my father loved me.. he loves me.. and give everything to me.. when he alive”- he gave you material things and sometimes he may have given you some affection, but he also gave you pain and distress, and that pain and distress was much greater than the good of the material things he gave you.

If he loved you in his heart, what he expressed to you in powerful ways, was not love, but hate (“my face just the same with my mom that he hate the most”).

When a child hears her father expressing hate, the child does not feel good hearing such hate, thinking: my father loves me because he bought me the clothes I am wearing and the food I am eating. No, the child feels very bad being hated by the person she loves so much, her father.

“sometimes I got pain from my dad’s words when he angry”- this pain is not gone. It is still in you and it is still alive- you keep feeling it. When your husband gives you a gift or shows you love, you feel good for a little while. But too soon, the old pain that is still alive in you, wakes up and takes over.

“I always feel blue inside my heat.. but I always can’t find the cause”- the cause is what your father told you, how he compared you to your mother, how he wasn’t attentive to you, not even on your birthdays and how he complimented another girl and not you.

“Is that the reason why sometimes I just feel bad mood or feel lonely..?”- yes, we all re-live our childhood experience. Everyone does until and unless a troubling childhood experience is addressed and healing takes place.

“It’s really hard to change, isn’t it..?”- yes, it is. It took me nine years to no longer re-live my childhood experience, and the work is not yet over!

But maybe it will take you less time, maybe just a few years, if you work on it patiently. Better  take on the healing process because the alternative is living your whole life with the same-old, same-old childhood pain.

anita