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  • #339586
    Tania
    Participant

    Hi.. I’m nia.. I’ve been married for 6 months. Recently, i knew that he chated with another girl. Whom he likes before. I mean, my husband has feeling for her 10 years ago.. but he admit that after she reject his confession, his feeling also erase day by day. And until he found me and become my boyfriend 6 years ago. he said he don’t have any feeling anymore to her.

    I trust him at the beggining. Until i often feel he still has attention to that girl. Then i started become insecure and sometimes i look at his phone. Honestly, he gave all of his password to me.. i know that i should trust him, but i don’t know why, in my heart feel no good. Especially when i know that sometimes he look at her photo. And he choose to work at the place she work also. That time he frustated and looking for job, i also give him support. Then the only one good company that he can work that time is her place. With hard feeling, i let him go to work at that company..

    Before that, sometimes i thought “is this maybe my traumatic about my parents?” They got devorse, my mother leave us. my father passed away when i 17 yo. I have nobody to trust even it’s my mother..

    Then now after my marriage, this insecurity still running.. until i found that my husband chated with that girl and i thought its full of attention. Besides he little bit cold to me at chat.

    When i started this topic and ask him for explanation, he said that his feeling to her just friends. But i read that chat not like friends, he is like ask attention for the girl and sometimes he give attention to that girl, he shared his favorite films and music that must be our films and music that we watch together.. I don’t know when it started. He used unusual chat apps.. He said he was wrong but it’s because I’m too posesive but he said that he don’t want to repeat that mistake again..

    Honestly, at the past.. i ever chated with another men also. And i already regret it and promise after we married, those all will not gonna happen..

    This all feels hurt.. really hurt.. I don’t know what can i do now.. i just feel hopeless and feel that I’m not worth it anymore.. i can’t trust anyone to tell about this.. i don’t have any spirit to live..

    Before that, Thank you for ur attention and help.. it’s really means the most for me..

    Sincerely,

    Nia

    #339842
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now. I hope other members answer you before I return.

    anita

    #339846
    Tania
    Participant

    Hi Anita.. okay I’ll be waiting for your answer.. Thank you so much

    #339942
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    Your parents got divorced and your mother left you. You lived with your father then, after their divorce, and your mother was gone from your life. This is a very traumatic experience for a child, for her mother to be gone. And then your father died when you were 17.

    Of course this childhood does not lead to feeling safe in a relationship with a man. Even if a man is very trustworthy, it is the trust lost to a child long ago that keeps the hurt and fear going as an adult.

    I suppose you expressed that distrust in your husband to him long ago and that is why he gave you all of his passwords (?)  You mentioned that he said that you are “too possessive”, because of ongoing mistrust in him, I am guessing.

    Other than what you mentioned in the chat he had with the other woman, was there any indication of romance or physical attraction in the chat, words to that affect, by him or by her?

    anita

    #340036
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for reply me. It’s really help what’s going on in my mind.. since i feel irrational and too emotional now.

    I don’t know when he start chat again with that girl. I’m sorry, i don’t really understand example of physical attraction.. but i will tell u what I’ve read..

    He said to her that he waiting her post in instagram (which is he said on chat it’s food). |One day she got sick and he ask “what’s wrong? What’s hurt? Is that ur feeling? Then my feeling is hurt because u leave the division” (before that he told me that she moved to another division)|”hey do u know that film, i like the soundtrack of that film” | when she will go to another city, he said “please bring the mask, it’s crowded in the airport” | then when she post her photo, he said “did u eat too much? U look fatter” | When he buy a food (he admit the trully that food suppose for me and i ate that) but he also share another part to his colleague which is she also got and he said in chat to her “who ate my food? Did u also? U should eat my food” | when he went to another country(for job for a week), he ask her “what gift do u want from here?” She said she didn’t want. Then he ask again “in here chocolate is on discount. Do u want chocolate?” And ask also “do you want bag?” But this time he just make a joke “but give me the money for buy it. Haha” | He also sent a picture of woman wearing a dress and bag, he ask “is this cute? Do you like?” (This his explain me that when he talk with colleague, she said that she searching for dress. And accidently found that picture on insta)

    Remember this one by one, making me feel hurt everyday.. it can’t get out from my thought. What i write here is not all.. it’s too much if i write here.. it’s really hurt anita.. besides, when he at another country, his chat too cold, even he still call me by video on the night for several minutes.

    I don’t know.. it’s that just a friend, am i paranoid? I know i was wrong that i was posesif.. i don’t know it’s happen naturally. I want to change.. but how about my husband..? I doubt about his feeling to me now.. his natural feeling.. what should i do..?

    Thank you,

    Nia

    #340038
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    I will return to your thread Wed morning my time. I will see to it that I will answer you first thing in the morning, in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #340042
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much. It’s really help me

    Nia

    #340088
    Tania
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
    I want to add something also..

    Actually i don’t know why my feeling is too hurt right now.. if i change to give more love to myself, trying to think positively and cure my paranoid or possessive.. is that matters for now..? Because every time i thought about changing myself, my heart feels hurt deeper.. because after i know the fact that he gave more attention and care to another girl, not for me that i also need that attention.. and after he said he won’t do that again, he change his behaviour to treat me at chat but it’s just last for 1 week. After that, he cold again.. this all make my life such in a dark place and i don’t have anyother reason to live… i’ve been through darkest time before, when my father passed away and i live alone. Even that time i also don’t have spirit to live, but i still have hope for my future and everyone care about me.. but since my marriage, i always put him first and thought everything for this little family..

    Then now.. i really lost..

    #340116
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    This is what I understand about your situation:

    When your mother left you and then, when your father died, your child self/ 17 year old, was very, very sad and scared for a long time,  so depressed that you lost the spirit to live. (“my mother leaves us…I’ve been through darkest time before, when my father passed away and I live alone. Even that time I also don’t have spirit to live”).

    That deep sadness and being scared, that “darkest time” didn’t go away even when you felt better, when you had other people’s company, when you chatted with men, when you had a boyfriend for six years, even when you married him. That darkest time is still there, not gone, not erased.

    Your husband has been chatting with a work colleague, a woman he was interested in ten years ago. When you found those chats, your darkest time became alive and made yuo feel that darkest time again: “I just feel hopeless and feel that I’m not worth it anymore… I don’t have any spirit to live”-

    – back to the feelings when your mother left you, and later, when your father died.

    These feelings, this deep depression of having no  spirit to live is not about your husband, it is about the girl you were losing her mother and then losing her father, being scared to live alone.

    *** When you think about your husband’s behavior in regard to this woman, try to think about it objectively, that is, remembering that how you feel is not an indication that he did something terrible, but an indication that your previous emotional experience after your father died has been activated/ came up to the surface.

    What your husband did objectively as I understand it: he is working in the same company as she does because it was the best company available to  work in, both of you agreed on that. He works there not because she works there, but because of a better pay and/ or benefits and such.

    Clearly, he likes her. A bit of how he used to like her ten years ago is still alive today. Just like how you felt when your father died is still alive today, to this or that extent, so is his liking her still alive, from time to time, to a much lesser extent.

    This is not unusual, lots of married men (and married women) still like from time to time an ex girlfriend/ boyfriend, or as in your husband’s case- a woman he had a crush on ten years before.

    It doesn’t mean that he is in love with her, or that he intends to leave you for her. It simply means that once in a while he feels a liking for her. It is not dangerous to you, that he likes her. If she is married, if the company rules prohibit dating between employees, especially married employees having affairs, if your husband is a loyal man- him liking her is not dangerous to you.

    A married man will always like this or that woman, a woman that he works with, or a woman who serves him food in a restaurant he frequents, or he may like how this or that woman he passes by on the street looks like, or a woman in a magazine- so even if your husband did not like this particular woman, he would have liked this or that woman.

    It is not dangerous to you for as long as he doesn’t significantly act on his liking the woman, such as asking her for lunch (just him and her), asking to meet her in her hotel room while traveling, trying to kiss her, etc.

    Let’s look at what your husband did: she was sick and he asked her “what’s wrong? What’s hurt? Is that ur feeling? Then my feeling is hurt because u leave the division”= he expressed too much concern for her and a bit of a flirting in telling her he is hurt that she left the division. He acted on his liking her but not significantly so far.

    His message “hey do u know that film..”- no flirting, nothing alarming.

    His suggestion that she brings a mask to a crowded airport is an excellent suggestion, no wrongdoing there, no flirting.

    His comment about her eating too much, “U look fatter”- is not a flirting as I know it,  because women don’t like to hear a man saying they are fat! This is the opposite of flirting.

    Asking her if she ate part of his food doesn’t concern me, seems like he is generous with his other colleagues too, so nothing special about him sharing his food with her as well.

    Asking her what gift she wants from another country is a flirting if this is an unusual behavior, if he never asked any other colleague the same question/ if other colleagues don’t offer each other small gifts when they are out of the country.

    “in here chocolate is on discount. Do u want chocolate?”- is likely a non-flirting statement because if he was trying to impress a woman, hoping to be intimate with her, he wouldn’t likely tell her that the chocolate is on discount so to  make her feel special, worthy of expensive chocolate!

    “Do you want a bag?.. but give me the  money to buy it. Haha”- non-flirting because if he was trying to be intimate with this woman he would have suggested to buy her a bag with his own money, or he would buy her one without asking her and bring it to her as a surprise gift. Asking her for money for a bag is very good news to me, in regard of figuring out his intentions.

    The picture he sent about a woman wearing a dress and bag could simply mean that he was bored where he was, remembered that she said she was searching for a dress, so having time on his hands, he sent her the picture. Younger people, such as your husband, spend a lot of time on their phone, it is often an obsession, so it is not alarming to me that he would use his phone for such trivial purposes.

    In summary: he likes her, at least from time to time, but not to an alarming extent. He didn’t significantly act on his liking her. But he should stop messaging her nonetheless because at times he did express too much liking her, too much for a married man and for any man if a professional conduct in the workplace is required. And he should stop messaging her because it bothers you.

    If he sees her in public, at the workplace or if they happen to be in an airport together, he should be polite, of course, ask her how she is doing, have a little conversation, but he shouldn’t keep a messaging communication with her.

    * But if you ask him to not message her anymore, make sure that you don’t message other men too- no chatting for him with this woman, no chatting for you either.

    Remember: the fact that you feel so terribly about his chatting with this woman so far is not an indication that you are in danger, that you will be left alone again. It is an indication that you were left alone long ago, and that darkest time has come alive again.

    Also, be careful to not act too possessively with your husband, making him feel bad (trapped or feeling guilty) for small things like smiling to a woman, talking to a woman kindly, or even looking in the direction of another woman. All men smile and look at other women from time to time, you can’t change that, nor should you try.

    anita

     

    #340142
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you so much for replying me so clearly and really a lot of explanation that make me feels better. I don’t realize that what happen in the past that really matters and make me like this.

    Actually maybe it’s also the habit from i was a teenager, when i like someone else, i always convincing myself that he is not care or thought about me. Thats because i don’t want to hope too high. I already realize that i also do this with my husband.. what’s the matter for me that i worried still strugle for tommorow is how to forget that he care to another woman more than to me..? I worried that he compare me to her.. i also don’t know how he treat her at the office.. what should i do to convince my heart and brain to trust him..?

    For the temporary and for make me aware of my obsession, I’ll  read ur answer about his chat to her more than once.. and convince myself little by little..
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you so much for warning me not too much possesive to him, not making him feel bad. Do you have any suggestion how to decrease my paranoid/possesive thought..? And also.. actually i live like live in his life.. My attention just for him, honestly not attention to really care about him, but attention to get his attention (ofcourse sometimes i care about him instead but most of time, i focus on his attention). i don’t  know why and i really hard to stop that.</p>
    Indeed, i can just literally daydreaming (i mean not doing anything, just seatdown then thinking about him or waiting him to come to me). It’s really annoyed me actually..a i tried to do another thing, it’s not working. Like my mood is depend on him(sometimes i mean. But most of time like that).
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I want to be a better person, woman, wife actually.. but sometimes, i don’t have high self esteem. i also feel not as good as her (his friend i mean).. i know no one is perfect and everyone have their own abilities. But since i to possessive/obsessive to him, my world like gone. What i usually do when i was still single, it’s gone.. sometimes i tried to go back to my old hobbies, i felt bored and i can leave them all offhand when he come to me. Even it’s when i in workplace, i also could just thought about him especially when he didn’t chat me.. But he totally different, he can play game for several hours. He can work without worrying or ask my attention..</p>
    It’s drive me crazy everyday.. i want to change..

    Thank you Anita.. because of ur explanation, i really feel better and not really worry like the first time i know it and tell u..

    #340148
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    You are very welcome.

    “what happened  in the past.. really matters and makes me like this”- yes, when what happened at a young age is very intense, it sure matters later on in life. What we feel intensely as children, we keep feeling as adults.

    “I was a teenager, when I liked someone else, I always convinced myself that he does not care or think about me. That’s because I don’t want t hope too high” (I hope you don’t mind that I am grammatically editing your sentences a bit, for better clarity)-

    – it may be that when your mother left your home, you hoped that she will come back. You hoped that day after day, and it hurt every day that she didn’t come back, so you stopped hoping, so to not hurt so much hoping and getting disappointed, again and again.

    “how to forget that he cared for another woman more than me..?”-

    – I don’t think that he cared for her more than he cares for you because he was not in a relationship with her. He may have felt intensely about her, but then- most women marry men who were already in love with another girl earlier, men who felt very intensely about other girls or women in their lives.

    We can’t possibly own a man’s past or a man’s feelings. Having a loyal, honest, loving and responsible partner in life is the best we can have.

    “I worried that he compare me to her”- imagine that he does compare you to her and thinks that you are better for him than she would have been!

    If you treat him well regardless of how jealous and insecure you feel- you will be better for him than so many women who don’t treat their husbands well when they feel insecure, or bored, or angry, etc.

    “what should I do to convince my heart and brain to trust him. Do you have any suggestions how to decrease my paranoid/ possessive thoughts.?”-

    – in regard to this woman, is she married or in a relationship? If she is, you can suggest to your husband meeting the other couple, getting together for lunch, the four of you. That may make you feel better.

    – you can continue to talk to your husband from time to time about your jealousy so to hear what he has to say, maybe reassure you the way you need to be reassured, as long as you keep such conversations short, not accusatory and not very emotional-  so to not make it overwhelming for him.

    – the usual suggestions to lower one’s distress are getting daily aerobic exercise (walking fast, or swimming for 30 minutes per day, or more), guided meditations, yoga perhaps, listening to relaxing music, etc. Doing any of these things when you feel distressed will help you.

    quality psychotherapy/ counseling, if available to you, is always a good idea.

    – having a friend or two who are nice and sensible people, is also a good idea.

    – have a daily routine, so  that you follow a schedule, or a list of tasks to do every day. A daily routine (including exercise/ physical activity) is very helpful for anxious people.

    “I want to be a better person, woman, wife actually..  I also feel not as good as her”- well, you are already a better person, woman and wife for wanting to be better. Imagine all the women out there who think they are..  too good for their husbands. Your husband is fortunate to not have a wife who thinks she is better than him.

    * He will be more fortunate to  have a wife who thinks she is equally as good as him, not more, not less!

    “sometimes I tried to go back to my old hobbies, I felt bored”- maybe a new hobby will interest you.

    “I can leave (hobbies) when he comes to me. Even if I am in the workplace.. But he.. can play a game for several hours. He can work without worrying, or asking for my attention. It drives me crazy every day. I want to change”-

    –  this kind of change takes time and effort, making a little progress today, more progress tomorrow, and persist in making progress no matter how you feel, keep doing what works when you don’t feel like doing (what works).

    Post here anytime you want. I have communicated with some members over a period of months and even years. You are welcome to communicate with me long term.

    anita

     

    #340232
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I don’t mind if u grammatically editing mine, because I also still learning english. Hehe. U alright.. when my mother leave, i was still a child, i also can’t remember her face until i was at my 18 i met her again. Before that, i was so angry and every hear anyone called “mother”, i’ll react like I don’t care, I don’t want to hear or sing a song about mother, but in the deep of my heart, i wanna have mother love too. Her attention too. Her softness and her figure.
    Thats why, now I can’t really serve people, and worried how to treat my child in the future. I also don’t understand well, how to serve husband and how to take care my little family, because in the deep of my heart, i realize that i still want and need attention..

    Back to my husband, his friend is still single actually. She is good looking and some men like and chase her also.

    “You can continue to talk to your husband from time to time about your jealousy…”
    I have.. but sometimes he looked like bored or just say “u still disscuss about this. I’ve told u”. I’ll try ur advice to not accusatory and not very emotional..

    Thank you so much for letting me deliver my feeling here. It’s helping me so much. I can sleep well after read ur explanation yesterday(in my time). And my hurt is slowly cure, i can look at the positivity again.

    God Bless U Anita 🙂

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by Tania. Reason: Html tag disturb
    #340300
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    You are welcome and thank you for wishing me well.

    When you talk to your husband and he looks bored and says “u still discuss about this. I told u”- it means you probably repeated yourself, said the same things you said before. So when he says this, stop talking, change the subject or be silent for a while. Maybe he will bring up another topic to talk about.

    When a mother leaves her young daughter, she leaves behind a hole in her daughter’s heart. Unfortunately, your husband cannot fill that hole. He can make you feel better sometimes, but not permanently. No matter how good you may feel with him one day, the next day- that hole in the heart hurts just like before.

    It is possible to heal that injury that caused the hole in the heart, the injury caused by a mother’s abandoning her child (and later by her father’s death). It starts by you putting into practice your ability to feel your anxiety, hurt and anger without acting on these feelings. For example, you feel hurt and anger at your husband, or you worry that he likes the other woman more- don’t talk to him about it yet again, repeating the same, asking him the same questions etc.

    (Talk to him on the topic if you have something new to bring up to him, something that may be useful).

    Healing requires sometimes quality psychotherapy/ counseling. It involves expressing that original pain, no longer pretending that you don’t care regarding your mother abandoning you (“I react like I don’t care”). But you can’t force feelings. You can’t decide: I am going to feel the pain now! It takes a process, best done in quality professional therapy.

    anita

    #340378
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    “Unfortunately, ur husband can’t fill that hole…” is that because of he can’t or even if my husband is different person, is that also can’t fill the hole (i ask this not because wanna blame him, but i curious)? Is the problem : the part that empty of my heart..?

    This day i feel down again.. I’ve re read ur answer, the other side of my heart still hurt and it’s also triggered when my husband didn’t chat me continuously and excitedly.. he just say something that i called “sending report”

    Even i told him i don’t like it. I also want to change not to be possessive anymore. I don’t know why he still do this to me.

    His figure for me : when at chat, he could be cold and reapeadly his word day by day. When he besides me, he could be really nosy and never shame to show me about anything he is, he could show his love by buying me something i love (but its not for a surprise), i thought when he with his friends, he could also tell the fact (he always tell the fact, even it’s not a good news for them)

    U said that if he like or feel her special, he will impress with expensive stuff (chocolate, etc) and didn’t tell that she fatter. He could do that to me also actually. He could make a joke to me like that, such as “wow thats a good chair, u definitively like it. But i don’t have those money” or “hooouu u become fatter”.

    And how about “is she married?” I answer she is still single.. i still curious why u ask about her status.. is that could influence ur answer before..?

    I really hope he could keep on his promise..

    Because in my heart it still wedge up. Since we can’t control others mind and feeling..

    Thank you Anita..
    <p style=”text-align: right;”></p>

    #340450
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita..

    I also want to add this.. his past chat.. that he ask her, is she come to the office? He said that it’ll be bored if she didnt come. And when she said there’s another friend. He said its different.. he said that he cant tell the story of his(cofide, but not about confess love) -> i guess its maybe when we fight the night before..

    When its christmas, he also chat her and give greeting. That he never did that to me or anyone else.. i thought before, that he is cold and usual to do that. But after i know that he treat her like that, it change my perpective bout him..

    He even never say happy anniversary to me if i didnt remind him.. i could be crazy to think about this all..

    I confused.. every i ask him and he can swear that h didnt like her. But why he treat me like this..?

    He said he will be bored if she didnt come to the office. Besides at home when im there, he choose to play game instead of treat me so well. Sometimes he come to me, but most of time, he love himself doing anything he love..

    I feel really sad right now.. dont know what should i do..

    I feel hurt again n again.. i know i should not open it again.. but i want to know the truth.. he didnt really often to tell his felling to me.. i dont know why.. is he feel that he got bored with me..? Then why he marrying me..? Is that because he know the fact that he will not be with her?

     

     

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