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  • #340498
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    Yes, the problem is the empty place in your heart. I know that problem very well myself. It is a very painful emptiness. It is not only your husband that can’t fill that emptiness, no man can, no one can. I will explain: for a child, her mother is Everything, and when that Everything goes away, it feels like you lost everything indeed, the emptiness in the child’s heart is massive, a whole lot of aching emptiness. Fast forward, a man shows up in your adult life, he is no match to the Everything your child-heart needs.

    That need of long ago is a person-sensitive need: you needed that one person- your mother. It is a time-sensitive need: you needed her when you were a young child, back in those years in the past. It is a place-sensitive need, you needed your mother back then and there, in that home were you lived as a child.

    No man, no woman can take you back to there and then and be the mother you had and needed to stay and love you.

    “my heart still hurt.. my husband didn’t chat with me continuously and excitedly”- that’s what you needed from your mother, to be there with you and chat with you continuously and excitedly, happy to see you, happy to hear you, happy to be with you.

    * I didn’t understand this part: “When he besides me.. even it’s not a good news to them)”- if you want to re-write this paragraph clearly, please do.

    Regarding your husband concern with how much things and commenting about you gaining weight- did he make those comments when you dated him, before getting married with you? I ask because men can be romantic, sensitive , attentive and generous when courting a woman, then stop being all these things after marriage.

    Regarding me asking you if his work colleague is married- I asked because if she is married (or in a relationship) there is less of a chance that your husband will pursue her, less of a chance that she will be open to an intimate relationship with another man, plus I asked because if she was married, a double date of two couples, you- your husband, she-her husband would be a way for you to observe what is going on, talk to the woman you are so worried about, and hopefully feel more secure and comfortable as a result.

    * I didn’t understand this part: “she said there’s another friend. He said it’s different.. maybe when we fight the night before”.

    You wrote that at Christmas he gave her greetings, texting Merry Christmas, you mean? But he didn’t say to  you Merry Christmas??

    At this point, for me to understand better what is happening in your relationship, I ask: how did he treat you when he was dating you, before marriage; did he treat you more attentively, generously than he does now?

    * When you answer, after you type the first version of your post, please edit it: re-read what you typed and make changes so that I can  understand what you are trying to communicate to me.

    anita

     

     

     

     

    #340642
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    *The part that u didn’t understand, I’ll re-explain it more. 🙂

    -> Re-read : When he is at home, he always do anything that he love (like ignore me), most of time he waste by playing his game. I feel he did that because he bored at me.. Even though, he chat another girl that he will be bored if she didn’t come to office.

    Yes he did it when we were still dating. He said to me that he can’t be romantic. He treat me just the way he is, completely no mask, nothing he covered up from me.. no romantic dinner, no formally anniversary celebration, no surprise gifts. But he likes to hug and kiss me a lot when we dated. After married, he still hug and kiss me, but not as much as he used to. Sometimes, those things that make me worried also. I feel also that he could not really talking to me use heart to heart.

    Actually the fact is she still single anita..

    * –>another part that u didnt understand is about this..

    Re-read : She said that she will take a day off that day. Then in chat, he said :”oh tomorow will be boring. Please come to the office tomorrow” then she said :”witney(another colleague) will come to the office” he said “it’s different, i want to tell u what happen yesterday” –> i guess he want to tell her that i and him fight the night before.

    He admit to me that he ever told her about our married problem at least 2/3 times and he said he was wrong and he will not do that again..

    He didn’t say to me Merry Christmas.. he never give me greeting for special events like that. I don’t know why..

    Umm.. about how he treat me before..  since we dated, for me he is not a romantic person, sometimes easy to be angry.. but he still care about me, he never let me go or he also will never go even i encounter hard time, sometimes he buying something for me (everything that i like such as books, bags, etc) – he is not rich but he always spent his money for me without i asking, buy some food that i like mostly for boost my mood. The only one his lack is i can’t really feel talk with him use heart to heart.. i mean, he don’t like to talk about such as express feeling, he just measure anything using his logic, etc. I don’t know, is the logical men always like that?

    And if ur question is he treat me more attentively, generously than he does now. My answer is sometimes and depend on the situation.. for example,before we married, after we fight, he often come to me and hug me, or when we were on seperate place, he call me for ending the problem with some calm talk.. sometimes he shows his aggravation with pinch my cheek.. but after married, days after days, months after months we’ve been through.. he didn’t do that thing again.. he let the situation still not good and just say “just hurry sleep, I’m tired..”

    Honestly,  i can’t controlled my mind yesterday.. i just ask him.. why are u marrying me? Are u feel bored at me..? Then accidently i mention about his chat that he bored when she didn’t come to the office. He looks confused about what i talking about and swear that he never feel like that. Then he said maybe it’s just joke to her. Then i said that i want to change not too posesive, but he should chat with me more intimate. Then after that, he become angry.. he looks dissapointed because i always mention about it.. he feels that he already did intimate chat/if he didn’t he want me to chat him also. Then he said again that he doesn’t like this topic and he also doesn’t have any feeling to her, he just assume her as friend. Then the environment become cold and he really angry.. i feel guilty also, why i can’t refrain myself, my brain from those thought. I already promise him that I won’t mention and ask about his feeling again, because he said it’s also hurt him.. i don’t know and don’t understand, i just want to make sure.. thats my intention, only want to make myself relieved.. why he feels hurt..? But i already promise him.. I should try and make sure that it won’t happen again.. ?

    *I’m sorry i don’t really understand about ur last paragraph.. maybe make it clearly or use example so i can understand what does it mean..

    Thank you Anita..

    #340682
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    You are welcome. In the last paragraph of my previous post I asked you that after you type a post for me, before you submit it, go over it and see if you can re-write some confusing parts so that they are no longer confusing, so that I understand what you communicate to me.

    Regarding your husband, I am glad to tell you that at this point, seems to me that he is a decent, honest man and that you are fortunate to have him as your husband. I think you have nothing to  worry about regarding his work colleague.

    The fact that he is not romantic is not specific to you, he is just not a romantic person and he doesn’t want to be someone he is not. He told you that a long time ago and you married him, so it’s fair that he is not  romantic now, just as he was before you married him. And he is not romantic with anyone else either (very good thing!).

    He plays his computer game for hours because it relaxes him, and he needs to do that, so let him. As long as he attends work, brings in money, treats you well (although not perfectly, there is no such thing as perfect anyway!)- let him play his game without criticizing him for it.

    Regarding telling his work colleague that it will be boring in the office without her, that not alarming to me. There is a touch of flirtation in it, but it is not alarming. I think he is clear within himself that he is not interested in an affair with her. He just likes to break the boredom and monotony of work in the office with a bit of entertaining talk, that’s all.

    Better you deal with that emptiness inside you, the emptiness born in childhood, otherwise:  don’t see him as the cause t your emptiness or the solution to it. It is a mistake to think that if only he did this and didn’t do that, or if only he talked to you more intimately and so forth, then your emptiness will be filled.

    He didn’t cause your emptiness and it is not within his power to fill it in. Enjoy what you do have with him best you can. Be a good wife to him. And post here anytime about your emptiness instead of letting it spoil his life and his relationship with you.

    Does this make sense to you?

    anita

    #341040
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Sorry for late reply. Okay Anita, I’ll always re-read.  :)</p>
    You alright Anita.. nobody is perfect. Do you think that I’m too jealousy person? Could i cure this mess Anita..? Do you think when i cure this emptiness inside my heart due to my parents diforce, i could be less jealousy..?

    Thank you for being ready to always listen my post and emptiness feeling..

    why i don’t know about this web years ago.. i hope i could change myself before this all happen.. because he is already feel that i always cause our problem, he is already feel that I’m possessive (like it’s already embedded in his heart and thought).

    These few days, i learn to loving him without judgment or without hoping nice reply from him.. i still learn to cure myself..

    I also think that it’s useless for suspect him or possessive to him.. because how hard i try to know about him and being possessive, if he had intention, he will do it no matter what.. we can’t prevent those thing, can we? So why i wasting this whole time for think about it.. am i right Anita..?

    I already remember when i was a child, this emptiness already exist and i often feel lonely.. sometimes i went to my yard, sat down there and looked into the sky. Actually i also the introvert person and really hard for me to be doing something “friendly” thing or taking care for other people. So that’s  why i always feel amazed at the figure of someone who can take care another people naturally..

    Thank you Anita

    #341054
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I still can’t forget him from my thought.. when he didn’t chat me from morning until lunch.. I tried hard to not think about what he did or he didn’t.. but it’s always in my thought.. it’s torture me.. feels like he didn’t care to me,etc. it’s feels real. Plus I remember his care and his aggressive in chat with her..

    But this time i choose to keep silent and try to focus myself to another thing… and i post here also..

    Thank you Anita

    #341128
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    You are welcome. Yes, I think you are jealous: very worried about your husband liking another woman more than he likes you and preferring to be with her than with you.. and that he will leave you and replace you with another woman.

    And yes, I do think that when you heal enough from this aching emptiness in your heart, you will feel way less jealous.

    Problem is, Nia, that it is possible that he will leave you. No woman in the whole wide world can guarantee that her husband will not leave her in one way or another. If you don’t accept this possibility (no matter how low the chance may be), then you will never have peace of mind, because there will never be a guarantee.

    “I already remember when I was a child, this emptiness already exist and I often feel lonely”. I imagine the girl that you were, after your parents divorced and your mother moved away, it was always in your thoughts, that she left you, that she was not  with you anymore. And those thoughts and feelings tortured you.  You felt like your own mother didn’t care for you. You were wondering where she was, maybe you were wondering if she was caring for another child, but not for you, and felt jealous.

    Fast forward, this girl meets a boy, gets married, and thinks similar thoughts and she feels the same feelings that the little, lonely girl felt years ago, only now she feels these feelings about her husband, instead of it being about her mother: “it’s always in my thoughts… it’s torture me… feels like he didn’t care for me.. his care.. with her”!

    I am pleased to read that you felt the jealousy but chose “to keep silent and try to focus .. on another thing.. and post here also”- do that again and again. Develop this self discipline to not act out on your jealousy and distress, and instead, focus on something else, distracting yourself. You are welcome to post here anytime.

    anita

     

     

    #341350
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I really hope i could survive with all of this… sometimes it feels hard, because to fill this hole with another activity, feels slow. And i struggle in these few days. i don’t know why.. inside my heart, i still wish someone will really care to me and so do i. But i will still do ur advice even it’s so hard..

    Yes, it is. No one can guarantee about her husband… so thats why i used to become possessive and really affraid to lose him.. but now i realize… no matter what we did, if it’s his intention, he will do.. for now i just can hope and pray..

    Thank you so much for helping me and make me made some progress.. ur advice is very meaningful for me.

    #341384
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    You are welcome. To be less worried that your husband will cheat on you, do your best to relax into the possibility that he will. Meaning, what if he will cheat on you? Will your life end, will you die of starvation, will you be homeless…?

    Make yourself stronger, see to it that if you have to, you will be able to feed and shelter yourself without him, see that life for you is possible without him.

    A young child is completely dependent on her parents, can’t feed or shelter herself alone. But a woman like yourself, you are not that dependent young child anymore.

    Make yourself stronger, and you will be less afraid; less afraid, you will be less jealous and possessive.

    anita

    #342372
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m not really worried about homeless or something like that. Because I’ve been through those all when my Father passed away.. so that’s why, when that thing u called dark mode in my heart came up, it’s feels really hurt and make me don’t wanna live.

    i know in this world, there are so much another beautiful things.. but I don’t know why i still always look at him and all of my thought just for him. I think he is the number one of my priority. Actually he said i also the number one for him. But why sometimes my heart feels I’m not always the number one of his priority…

    for this several days, when I didn’t post here, i tried to focus on another thing and busy on my task(at workplace).. but yesterday, when he told me that he has reunion with his friends, and he didn’t ask me to accompany him. I ask, “normally u ask me to accompany u.. why this time u did different..?” He said because there are only men. And he mentioned her name, that she didn’t get invite.
    The time i hear he mentioned her name, i flashback again and remember all of his chat for her.. i just thought.. “whatever i tried to tell him that I jealous, etc.. the fact, he still can chat her.. even he said from that time he stop, but my pain still here.. still can’t forget..”

    this all of my thought.. i know it looks like I’m selfish,etc.. but i write here because i want to change my thought.. rewire everything. Healing my pain..

    Thank you Anita..

    #342430
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    Because your emotional pain is not because of your husband is doing anything wrong to you, let’s talk about what your emotional pain really is about. As you write here about what your pain really is about (let’s call it your original pain), you will not be writing about what your pain is not about (let’s call it your projected pain, as in your original pain being projected to your husband).

    Your original pain will lessen once you express it, let it exit you some through words and tears if they come. When your original pain lessens, so will your projected pain lessen.

    “I’m not really worried about homeless or something like that. Because I’ve been through those all when my father passed away… so that’s why when that thing u called dark mode in my heart came up, it’s feel really hurt and make me don’t wanna live”- that a lot of original pain. If you want to, when you are alone at home, tell me more, express yourself. If you feel like crying, cry and type through the tears. If you need a break from the computer, take the break and come back to the computer, typing away anything that’s on your mind and heart.

    anita

     

    #343096
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I feel so blessed to have someone that being ready to hear me. Thank you so much Anita. It’s rain here and i hear instrumental piano music right now. I feel so lonely, sometimes i hope i can just writing some stories or articles about this life, about being productive.. but i feel not good enough. Because i still can’t move on from the jealously and insecurity feeling.. i still struggle about how to caring myself, loving myself.. it’s not really easy.. because i always want and hope anybody’s else care..

    Today i saw his photos with his colleagues.. i saw him standing besides her.. only that thing, drove me crazy.. the jealously came up again. He looks like really happy in that photo. I don’t know why.. only the thing like this, can make me really uncomfortable and insecure. I even thought about how he treats her when they are at office together.. i know everybody can’t guarantee about their couple.. but i worried a lot. I know that this projected feeling is unnecessary.. but for practice not caring these things is still not easy for me..

    How to cure this all.. i feel like this is a disease. To find the other hobbies is hard for me.. i feel like *sadness* in the “inside out” movie.. my heart always feeling blue and i didn’t have any spirit to do anything..

    I can’t find my own emotional pain..that u call it original pain.. maybe it’s because habitual in my life..

    Maybe i just write here about what’s going on in my life before..

    I always feel lonely.. even when my Dad  was still alive that time.. even i have some friend, some bestfriend whose care about me.. and now, i feel like nobody in this world as good as my Dad.. nobody love me as much as my Dad.. and i feel my mom never care about me. She always worried about her new family and children. But i don’t really thing about that. Because i already forgive her, about left us behind.

    After my Dad passed away, i can’t trust anybody. I can’t tell everything to others. I became more introvert. But i still can be friendly and cheerful, even my heart feel empty inside. Sometimes i could be frustrated and thought what’s my life purpose. What i suppose to do.. and when i hear, read and look at another people life, i thought it’s so complicated as my life before and i ask myself, why.. what is the real meaning of being alive.. it’s just work, get money, sometimes do some charity, hang out with friends,etc. Sometimes i don’t know why, but i feel those all is boring..

    Thank you Anita

    #343142
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    You are very welcome.

    “I can’t find my own emotional pain.. that u call it original pain… my mom never care about me. She always worried about her new family and children. But I don’t really think about that. Because I already forgive her, about left us behind”-

    – your original pain is what you felt when your mother left you behind and had a “new family and children”, having replaced you with another child, abandoning you.

    That original pain was so intense that you shut it down, pushed it down underneath your awareness. So you don’t feel it about your mother. But that pain is not gone- it awakens in context of your husband.

    “Today I saw his photos with his colleagues.. I saw him standing besides her.. drove me crazy.. the jealousy came up again”- the jealousy, the anger, the pain came up from underneath. Seeing him with another woman connected in your brain to feeling that he is replacing you with another woman, just as your mother replaced you with new children.

    “I always feel lonely”- just as you felt as a child, being left behind by your mother.

    “I always feel lonely.. even when my Dad was still alive”- see, you were lonely because your mother left you. Your father was not enough for you, because you were hurt so badly by your mother leaving you behind. When he passed away, you lost him too, in addition to have lost your mother long before.

    When our mother leaves us early in our lives, it creates a hole in our hearts, an emptiness (“even my heart feel empty inside”), and life feels meaningless (“what is the real meaning of being alive.. it’s just work, get money..”).

    If you become aware of your original pain, if it comes up from underneath, bit by bit, the pain will lessen and lessen over time, you will heal and feel better and better, and you will find meaning in life.

    Is there a way for you to attend quality psychotherapy/ counseling, so that a therapist will help you bring up what I believe is your original pain, and continue your healing process?

    anita

     

    #343152
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Is this all my feeling problems is caused by my mom..?

    Actually i dont really understand about this part :”If you become aware of your original pain, if it comes up from underneath, bit by bit, the pain will lessen and lessen over time”

    How to make the original pain comes up..?

    Is that okay if I’m not seeing the psychotherapist for this time..? Could u please help me to aware of my original pain..?

    Do you thought that i feel low self esteem, etc is because of my mom..? Btw, actually my mom left us when i was still a toddler.. around 4 years old.. i can’t remember her face, and didn’t want to see her picture. So.. for several years, i didn’t know where she is, how is she, and her face. Until oneday, after my Father passed away, i met her. She cried when looked at me, but i don’t know i cant cry..

    Years by years without her, i feel really hate her. Some family, siblings, etc ask me, “do you want to see ur mom” and my answer always the same.. “No”

    My father’s family also always blame me if my house is dirty, i can’t cook, i can’t take care of my father, etc.. actually i also didn’t look like another girl, that have cute stuff a lot, that have hairstyles and cosmetic etc, I’m still feminime, but i looked didn’t do self care. And sometimes i don’t  understand the way to do self care/girly stuff. Even when my father passed away, he is really skinny. And his sisters that is my aunty, rather blame me, she said that i can’t really take care of my dad. Even though, i’ve tried my best to take care of him.. every day i always worried and don’t want to see him suffering.. for me, my Dad is everything.. i always put him as my first priority. my life before is really dark i think.. my Dad’s economy also not really good but still enough luckily.. so, those days, we concern about money more than another thing else.

    Until after my dad passed away, someone told me, if i forgive my mom, my future will be more good. Healthy also for my psychology. When i was at home, i pray.. that day i really forgive her.

    I hope i can be cured Anita.. i want to be normal.. to think normally and wisely..

    Thank you Anita.

    #343174
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nia:

    “Is this all my feeling problems is caused by my mom..?”- most of your pain was caused by your mother leaving you. There is no one and nothing more important to a young child than her mother. And she left you when you were 4, when you were very much attached to her.

    “Is that okay if I’m not seeing the psychotherapist for this time..? Could u please help me to aware of my original pain?”-

    – if it is possible for you to see a therapist, then you should see one. In some places in the world it is possible for people to see a therapist free of charge, or for a low pay. Maybe this is possible for you too. Also, it needs to be a good therapist, a professional who is empathetic and skillful.

    I am not a therapist, and even if I was, I don’t think that online therapy is appropriate. The reason you need a therapist (and one that you see in-person, in her office) is because this kind of work- bringing one’s repressed emotional pain up to one’s awareness, is not an intellectual kind of work, like work a student does for school. It is an emotional work and that requires an in-person relationship with a professional. You sit in the office with a therapist, you talk, you can see her face, you get to like her, over time (if she is a quality professional), you get to trust her, you look forward to seeing her again, you build some emotional attachment toward her, and it is that attachment and trust that will make you feel safe enough for the original pain to reach your awareness.

    I will be glad to suggest this or that exercise for you, to get in better touch with that pain, but this is not and cannot be therapy. I don’t have the education and training to be a therapist and to help you do this kind of emotional work.

    You wrote about meeting your mother for the first time after she left you at 4: “She cried when looked at me, but I don’t know I can’t cry”- the hurt and sadness about her leaving you is underneath your awareness, meaning you don’t feel it anymore, you are detached or removed from that hurt and sadness of long ago.

    “Years by years without her, I feel really hate her”- you are aware of your anger toward her. See, you are not completely unaware or removed from your long ago emotions, when she left you. Anger follows hurt or fear. Clearly, you experienced hurt and fear when she left you at 4 and afterwards.

    “someone told me, if I forgive my mom, my future will be more good.. When I was at home, I pray.. that day I really forgive her”- it is true that ongoing anger hurts us, so better not be angry, but we have to become aware and process the hurt and fear that led to the anger, before we heal. Getting rid of the anger before processing what led to the anger is not helpful.

    You shared that you didn’t care to do “self care/ girly stuff”, and maybe you didn’t clean the house much or took care of your father well enough (even though it was your best).  If you did attend quality psychotherapy, you will find out why, there are reasons.

    I mentioned that I can suggest this or that exercise to you. Here is one: when you are alone at home and you don’t expect anyone to interrupt you, make yourself comfortable by maybe taking a hot shower or a bath, relax, wear comfortable clothes and then sit comfortably in front of the computer and type away (or write on a paper if you prefer that), anything that comes to mind about your mother, anything at all. Don’t worry if what you write makes sense, don’t overthink it, just type away. You can do it here on your thread and I will read and reply to you, giving you my thoughts and feelings about what you wrote.

    anita

     

     

     

    #343882
    Tania
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    May i ask about my projected feeling..?

    This day i saw his colleague send my husband, her post that repost from article that wrote inside “sosial relationship : keep distance from someone you like. Because that human’s heart is not for u”

    I just asking myself.. why his colleague sent him that post..? Is that because he like her but she didn’t like him. This dark side come up again… my breath feel hard and i feel hurt.. i don’t want him to like someone else.. i know its selfish, i cant control this..

    Thank you anita

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