September 20, 2020 at 6:25 am #366967
Sorry for very late reply..
For these weeks i just shock Anita..
1. Everything i know before is just a tiny little information.. now i know more than that day.. i thought he is loyal to me. But do you know, instead of him watch porn regularly, now it’s become bigger. He create secret social media account and chated another girl. That i think that girl is not his type.. but i don’t know why he chated her… i feel really dissapointed this time. But i decide to keep silent for a moment. The hurt i feel is so deep and i don’t know how to heal it..
What should i do anita..? There’s a baby inside my womb.. why he have the heart to do it.. even he didn’t meet the girl, but in my thought. The chance for him to cheat is big.. i don’t know how many woman that he chated before this.. i feel i can’t trust anyone anymore… in front of me, he tried to manipulate everything that look like he loved games. But behind me, he did that. Can’t give me attention by words, but he tell that girl that she is cute.
I think anythink at point 2 until 5 is not really matters anymore. This thing is really destroy my heart..
Help me please Anita…September 20, 2020 at 12:01 pm #366978
I am sorry to read the newest unfavorable news.
You wrote in your first post, six months into your marriage, on February 24, 2020 (minor editing of spelling and grammar): “he chatted with another girl whom he liked before.. my husband had feelings for her 10 years ago.. He said that his feelings for her are of just friends, but I read that chat, not like friends.. He used unusual chat apps.. He said he was wrong, but it’s because I’m too possessive, but he said that he don’t want to repeat that mistake again”.
Since then you learned that he secretly watches pornographic movies and most recently, almost seven months after your first post, that he “created a secret social media account and chatted with another girl”.
“The hurt I feel is so deep and I don’t know how to heal it.. There’s a baby inside my womb.. I don’t know how many women he chatted with before this. I feel that I can’t trust anyone anymore… He tried to manipulate everything to make it look like he loved games. But behind me, he did that.. Help me please Anita”-
I am so sorry, Tania, that this is your reality. If everything was possible for you right now, the best thing would be for you to separate from him and live away from him, independently, and arrange for him to financially support your child (and be involved in your child’s life as a co-parent, in ways that will be good for your child).
Anything like that possible for you???
anitaSeptember 20, 2020 at 1:11 pm #366984
Do you think there was no love that left in his heart for me today?
Was he act that he love me?
I think those thing still impossible for now..
I’m alone and there’s no one besides me except him..
And also social status that will judge me if we are deforce..
And the traumatic feeling.. i don’t know how to heal aftee seperated from him.. i think another man is also as bad as him..
I’m frustated now.. i can’t sleep.. even i sleep, those things still inside my brain and left pain in the middle of sleeping..
I wasn’t ready for this all…September 20, 2020 at 5:05 pm #366990
I will be able to read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer, in about 13 hours from now.
anitaSeptember 20, 2020 at 7:42 pm #366995
“Do you think there was no love that left in his heart for me today?”- I don’t know.
I have two questions for you:
1. Does he know that you know that he has been secretly watching porn movies?
2. Does he know that you know that he has been secretly chatting online with at least one woman?
3. How did you find out that he watches porn and chats with women online- do you have his computer passwords.. do you regularly check his online activity when he is not at home, and without his knowledge?
anitaSeptember 21, 2020 at 12:24 am #366998
Sorry for asking you question that impossible to answer.. i’m really frustated anita.. my parent’s deforce is my darkness moment. But why now i should face these moment..
1. He didn’t know that i knew.. but he also ever showing his porn video to me.. but he didn’t know that i knew he regularly watch much video secretly.
2. First, He didn’t know that i knew.. but i think now he is more careful with that account. And he even deleted the account. I don’t know is that mean he knew or not.
3. I have my own ways to know it. Without him knowing. As long as i careful with that.September 21, 2020 at 1:10 am #366999jennyParticipant
I read your thread and I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t really have any advice but just that amid all this, try and keep faith in the Universe’s/God’s plan for you. Believe that the Universe has your back and while everything seems wrong right now, things will get better, for you. How, you don’t know yet, but believe that it will, that will give you a lot of strength. Trust that whatever is best for you will happen. Trust that the Universe will find a way to guide you and your baby towards peace and what is the absolute best for you. In times when we feel betrayed, when we’re not able to decide and think clearly, unburden yourself from the pressure of constantly thinking about what is right, what is not and what you should do and take each day as it comes. In my experience, such belief and faith really helps.
Sending love and strength your way,
Jenny.September 21, 2020 at 2:31 am #367001
Thank you so much for the advice.. i will try to keep faith and pray.. i hope can find the way to be better situation and future.. just really hope for miracle and maybe this all is the moment can change my mind and my future.. for now maybe as you said.. im really hopeless.. even though my baby inside me. I feel guilty for what i feel now.. I don’t want my baby feel this pain also..September 21, 2020 at 8:44 am #367024
In February this year, you knew that your husband (let’s call him H again) was flirtatious with his work colleague, a woman he was interested in before he married you. Back in February, according to what you shared, you did not know yet that H was following pretty “sexual women” on social media, that he was watching porn regularly, or that he opened a secret account so to chat with women. Yet, this is how you felt back in February: “This all feels hurt… really hurt.. I just feel hopeless and feel that I’m not worth it anymore.. I don’t have any spirit to live… this all makes my life such in a dark place”.
In June this year, two months before you found out that he watches porn, this is how you felt: “I feel no hope.. I feel hurt again and again when I see him, I feel hopeless”.
September 20 and 21, after you found out that in addition to watching porn regularly, he also “created a secret social media account and chatted with another girl”, you felt the following: “The hurt I feel is so deep.. I wasn’t ready for this all… I’m really hopeless”.
Tania, you felt deeply hurt and hopeless all along, not only since you married H, but long before you met him, ever since you were a child: “my heart is always feeling blue and I don’t have any spirit to do anything.. what is the real meaning of being alive… all is boring”, “feeling lonely, unattended to, unloved.. feeling jealous, suspicious.. is what I feel for my entire life.. even with my dad”.
Your mother left you when you were 3 and had a new family elsewhere, without you. Your father was at times angry at you because you physically looked like your mother and reminded him of her, a woman he hated. He didn’t celebrate your birthdays- this childhood experience made you very hurt and hopeless, and it is this hurt and hopelessness that keep feeling.
If your husband was perfect, you would still feel this hurt and hopelessness. For example, the two of you are having dinner together and he is looking at you with a smile, then a thought could occur to you: maybe he is thinking about another woman while he is smiling. A thought like this would be all it would take to bring back that deeply hurt and hopeless feeling.
You did not tell him of your findings (the porn, and the secret chatting account are the latest), so no communication between the two of you followed your findings. There is no history between the two of you of deep, successful communication: “I can’t really talk with him heart to heart.. he doesn’t like to talk about such as express feelings.. he becomes angry.. When he is at home, he.. ignores me, most of the time he wastes (online)”. With this kind of lack of communication, I don’t see a reason to think that he will stop his online activity that is so troubling to you.
You wrote earlier: “My attention is just for him.. attention to get his attention..it really is hard to stop that… my mood is dependent on him… I always look at him and all of my thoughts are just for him.. he is the number one of my priority… Even when I’m in workplace, I also could just think about him, especially when he didn’t chat with me.. But he is totally different, he can (be online) for several hours.. without worrying or asking for my attention”.
Following your most recent finding, I suggest that separating from him may be the things for you to do, and you rejected this suggestion. You intend to stay with him as is.
My input today, Sept 21, following seven months of communicating with you: I still think, as I suggested to you before, that you need quality psychotherapy so to address your childhood experience and heal from it best you can, with the help of a competent professional. You did not take on this suggestion. I offer another suggestion:
When you are no longer pregnant, after you give birth, consider seeing a medical doctor for possible anti-depression medications, such as the SSRI group of anti-depressants.
– As a mother, you need to manage your depression so that your child is not harmed by your depression. You wrote it yourself in your most recent post today: “I don’t want my baby to feel this pain also”. Anti-depressants after you deliver your baby may be the way to make this happen: to not pass on your pain to your baby.
Anti-depressants of the SSRI family of drugs are often prescribed not only for depression but also for obsessive thinking. It can help you focus less on H, less on what he is doing, think less about what he is doing… and that will give you the mental space to relax and be a better future mother to your child.
You are also welcome to re-read our past communication here, just as I did this morning. It can remind you of what we learned together about your situation and remind you of the suggestions I made to you, repeatedly. You are also welcome to post again anytime, vent, express your thoughts and feelings. I will read and reply to you every time you post, but I will not repeat the same analysis and suggestions I have already posted for you. This means that my replies will be shorter. I can still offer you practical advice on issues you may bring up, and empathy.
anitaSeptember 30, 2020 at 6:18 am #367404
I’ve asked him about his intention. Few days ago. He apologize and said that he was wrong and it’s just like entertainment for him..
I asked:”why you didn’t play with me instead of watching them?”
He said because it’s different. It’s just entertainment.. that doesn’t mean im not interesting..
And for several days until our discussion, i became worse. And told him that he is lucky because i didn’t decide anything worse such as leave him or suicide..
Then i don’t know why, few days after the day we disscuss about this problem, he told me new reason. That he knew that i was spy on him and he just wanted to make me exploded and it’s done. But he didn’t expect my reaction become so grieve.. Actually hear this reason make me feel angry also. Since he knew im pregnant now and didn’t know is that reason real? Or just for make me change my grieve. The only one thing i wanted him when he knew that i spy on him is he stop. But he become more malignant. And he said for the first time his pure reason creating new account is just wanted to see sexual actress…
As you know before.. i can’t easily let this all go.. but i can’t do anything.. i don’t want my child feel the same as me when i was child..
About your input.. i have asked for quality psychoteraphy on early september before this all exploded.. i was thinking about your advice before and found psychoteraphy online.. but they scheduled me on last of october. That drives me crazy especially i knew this all in the middle of september.. i feel i wanted to do that quality psychoteraphy as soon as possible..
Thank you Anita..September 30, 2020 at 8:23 am #367413
He is selfish and dishonest: selfish for watching porn knowing it troubles you, pregnant with his child, and dishonest for telling you that the reason he watches porn is that he knows that you are spying on him.
You told him that he is lucky because you “didn’t decide anything worse such as leave him”- I suggest: leave him.
anitaOctober 1, 2020 at 12:43 pm #367460
I wanted to add: I hope you find some helpful resolution to the trouble you are in. I am sorry that you are suffering, when you do, and hope you find some peace of mind sooner than later.