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jenny

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  • #368200
    jenny
    Participant

    You’re right Anita. I don’t have any evidence on my phone right now as I delete all his calls and texts to just not have to see them but I’ll get my call logs and records out, I’ll arrange for those and definitely keep any record of any further communication with him (I hope not) and take it to legal institutions.

    I’ve been reading these days Anita, about OCD, about having constant self-doubt etc and it’s helping. I’m not able to take out much time now as work has resumed but I’m making little progress. I’d just read in one another thread here about you advising the person concerned to consider her thread as a journal and say what she wants to let out, so this post is mainly about that, just a rant. I’ll understand if you don’t address it, I realise I am going in circles and still obsessing to a degree ( tho I’d want to pat my back and say, less frequently) but at the cost of sounding irritating, I’ll just say it.

    I’m just so disappointed Anita, in him, in the relationship. It all seems like a joke, I can’t even believe now that the man who said such big lofty things to me and a relation that I thought (wrongly, obviously) was so beautiful has turned to this. Leaving is a choice, yes, but isn’t there a way to do it? It’s been a year to the breakup and his constant calls but not once, not once Anita has he apologised for leaving me crying, not once has it been a genuine apology. The most he got to saying just once was ‘I never wanted to hurt you’. That’s all. He calls me and the few times I answered he actually had the audacity to call me mean and selfish and childish and stupid for not chasing after him, for not bothering to contact him after he left me high and dry for the umpteenth time. He literally taunted me that ‘thank you for showing me what you truly are’. I mean seriously? Does he seriously not see it or is he just one massively manipulative man! He seriously has the audacity to again turn it around on me.
    And what is all this? Anita he’s sent random urgent messages, he’s made up stories, could he just not have been direct with whatever he had to say, what is this childish conduct. Is this a joke? 1 year gone and he cannot say things without hiding behind excuses. Just write a goddam text saying what you actually have to or call me and just say what you genuinely want calling me like this again and again. But No, None of that. He’ll keep dragging and running in circles. It all seems like a joke. I don’t even know know how to look back at my relationship.
    And the worst thing, god this drives me mad. Whenever, I have replied to him, like the last time or a few times previously, there is no acknowledgement of my texts. I’ll be saying something and he’ll reply with something else only, not even addressing what I have said. It seems as if he thinks I am some barking dog whose messages don’t need to be addressed. Take the last message, I said what I felt, I said he can’t come and go, I said that my answer is a big No and instead of saying anything anything about it or even acknowledging it, or being silent, he is sending me a totally unrelated picture, as if what I said doesn’t even matter. It’s like he just wants a reply from me, the content of which doesn’t matter. What is that! When you are hell-bent on talking to me, why not talk when I am responding to you. If I imagine myself in his place and I am so desperate to talk to a person, I would take any opportunity that they reply to me to engage in meaningful conversation with them. What the hell is this man doing! Is this a joke? You keep calling me, then when I text you and say something, instead of understanding it you just are on our own trip. I mean, if the first time I’d texted that don’t contact me etc, months ago, if instead of just replying random stuff and keeping on calling, if he’d replied to it and said whatever, asked me why I don’t want him to contact, or said that he understands and is willing to give me time, or anything, just any human worthy reply, I would have felt some at least some respect for him as an ex-bf.

    I meant what I wrote in the last text. Could he not have been direct, could he not have been respectful, did the relation not even deserve that! How can anyone be like this! You know why I sometimes think that maybe I was wrong, because I just cannot fathom how can someone be so twisted, nothing makes sense, there is no logical flow to his conduct. He’ll madly keep contacting and then reply nonchalantly when I finally reply.

    I mean why, why could you not have just written to me what you feel, what you want and done it respectfully, instead of calling like this and talking wishy washy. Till date, I do not know, what this man really wants.

    It seems as if it’s just one joke to him, or just that he wants me to fall back into speaking to him without much effort and without any accountability on his part. How big an ego do you need to be such. I wasn’t perfect, far from it, I realised with your help that my argumentativeness was wrong but I genuinely loved him and I am so disappointed with his behaviour. I don’t even know what my entire past relation meant. The man I thought knew in the beginning versus the man he became in the end verses the man he looks like now, they are all so different and confusing. Ughh.
    I just want him to stop. Just stop. Just stop contacting me if this is what you are. Let there at least remain one tiny thread of mutual respect. Let there be silence.

    – Jenny

    #368129
    jenny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    How are you?

    I just felt like posting here today, a little disturbed since a few days.

    Mostly things are very good, work is very good, I am very happy in my personal life. I am just a little ashamed of my behavior a few days back, specially after being clear about silence and while I’m not obsessing the way I generally do, it’s like VR has lost that level of grip on me, yet it’s a little bothersome.

    So, the last time I posted telling that he had called and then dropped a message and I was furious about such provocative texts though In answered nothing. I have blocked his number, had done that long back but he keeps contacting from his friends’ numbers and I just don’t want go to the level of blocking every unknown number. So the very next day after that message, he again called, then again a few days later, then again another day and then 10 days ago, when I saw my phone after work (it was on silent), I had 36 calls from him, followed by a message that it’s important. So many calls did jolt me out that what happened but I stuck to my guns and didn’t respond at all, he called another 10-12 times, then he messaged that he is in my city, waiting for me at one of the places we would often visit together and would like to meet me. At this point he finally said  after a year of wishy-washy conduct that he would like to get back with me if I’m open to the idea. I again didn’t reply Anita, he called many more times and finally texted ‘As you wish, I will never bother you again’ and stopped. The next day though again he called, again Anita I didn’t respond to him. At this point he called a friend of mine who lives in the same city and asked her if she could make him talk to me. My friend, who is a darling and knows what I went through, spoke bitterly to him and asked him to never try to contact me. After that he didn’t call me. So this is all that happened.

    Now comes the part that I want to slap myself for. I was terribly low a couple of days back. I wasn’t well, despite that had to attend a very hectic day at work, was annoyed with a few people at work and when I finally decided to unwind with a movie suggested by a friend at night, the movie ended up being very emotional romantic movie. That day only my friend called to enquire about health and actually told me what exactly she’d told VR. She’d been justifiably rude to him. But all this together, just took me to a point where I couldn’t think clearly and just wanted  this VR thing to stop and I don’t know why, I texted VR telling him to just stop it once and for all. I texted him that the reply to his question about if I’m open to being with him again is a big No and that it is enough and he should stop, just stop contacting me from all these numbers. This was around 1 at night. he saw my message immediately and in a while, sent me a picture of him, wearing a T-shirt that I’d last gifted him. I was furious Anita, at myself, I immediately regretted texting him and also at him, that what am I talking about and what is he replying with, I just let it be, didn’t reply and went to sleep. I woke up 2 hours later with a bad headache and I was so angry about everything that I just replied to him. I replied that I am very disappointed with the way he behaved ever since we broke up and that there could have been a more respectful way to end what was a long relationship. I finally ended by saying that I hope now at least he’ll stop all the random texts and calls from all these unknown numbers and just let me be. He saw the message the next day and thankfully didn’t reply.

    I am so ashamed Anita. Why did I reply. Why did  I text? And I can’t help but fall back into thinking that he must be thinking of me as some weak girl that he still can annoy. I feel as if I lost after all this hard work. I know I am worthy of goodness and I am moving towards it but I can’t help thinking that I just screwed up. My friend said that I just showed him with these medium sized paragraphs that I sent to him that I still care. It feels as if all my hard work in being away from him and not even engaging has gone to waste. Then I think, I am overthinking, I haven’t done anything wrong, I told him not to contact, not that I was wanting to talk to him, I was frustrated with his continued presence and just wanted him out. Maybe it’s just my friend getting in my head.

    I feel like shit Anita. I am so sorry, I even let you down. You helped me so much and I felt so much better but now I feel like a loser.

    – Jenny

    #367574
    jenny
    Participant

    Yay! This makes me so happy Anita. It’s like a much needed assurance that now my thinking is on the right track.

    Oh and just an update, he called again yesterday, shortly after our exchange and I stuck to silence. That is what I’ll do always though I now really wish he stops contacting Anita. I am moving ahead and I don’t want reminders of the past relationship in form of his calls.

    Lastly and I know I’m saying it again and again but thank you so much Anita. It might be small to you as I see you help hundreds of people here but for me, you are someone I’ll never forget throughout my life. I asked you the most bizarre obsessive thoughts I had and you gave me detailed answers to even those and helped me disengage from a relationship that I was stuck in since the last 5 years. In the last 1 month, my day-to-day life has improved by leaps and bounds. Thank You.

    #367536
    jenny
    Participant

    You’re right Anita. It’s foolish to expect a turtle to fly or for VR to turn into K (kind).

    Also, Anita, and correct me if I’m wrong in my thinking, I think this breakup has made me change my approach to instances when I feel disrespected, wronged. Earlier I would speak up, and when the person refused to listen, speak up even more which turned into an argument. Over time I learnt that telling someone who doesn’t care they hurt you, that they have hurt you, is like banging your head against a wall: serves no purpose. So now I choose silence. I read somewhere that sometimes silence is the loudest reply and your biggest strength. That is what I have done with VR. I voiced my concerns for as long as I could. I started with speaking up politely, went on to arguing, dropped down to taking in quietly and ultimately went down to begging and crying. And saw that none of them works. I’ve learnt that when someone disrespects me once, it may be a fault and if it is, speaking up will see a solution to it. But if someone disrespects me repetitively, and refuses to see me when I speak up, its best to disengage and be silent.
    At this point, I feel any word from me will be like fuel and fodder to VR, something to twist and manipulate me again as he’s done every time I did answer his calls after the breakup. So I like silence. It makes me feel good about myself for two reasons: I am not saying anything bitter which is out of character for me or which I may regret later and secondly I feel that someone who’s hurt me so much doesn’t deserve any more explanations from me, he deserves nothing from me except silence. So I think now and forever, if he ever reaches out ever again, dignified silence is going to be my only reply to him. I’ve spent years saying things that fell on deaf ears and now I am done.

    #367533
    jenny
    Participant

    Also, Anita, and correct me if I’m wrong in my thinking, I think this breakup has made me change my approach to instances when I feel disrespected, wronged. Earlier I would speak up, and when the person refused to listen, speak up even more which turned into an argument. Over time I learnt that telling someone who doesn’t care they hurt you, that they have hurt you, is like banging your head against a wall: serves no purpose. So now I choose silence. I read somewhere that sometimes silence is the loudest reply and your biggest strength. That is what I have done with VR. I voiced my concerns for as long as I could. I started with speaking up politely, went on to arguing, dropped down to taking in quietly and ultimately went down to begging and crying. And saw that none of them works. I’ve learnt that when someone disrespects me once, it may be a fault and if it is, speaking up will see a solution to it. But if someone disrespects me repetitively, and refuses to see me when I speak up, its best to disengage and be silent.
    At this point, I feel any word from me will be like fuel and fodder to VR, something to twist and manipulate me again as he’s done every time I did answer his calls after the breakup. So I like silence. It makes me feel good about myself for two reasons: I am not saying anything bitter which is out of character for me or which I may regret later and secondly I feel that someone who’s hurt me so much doesn’t deserve any more explanations from me, he deserves nothing from me except silence. So I think now and forever, if he ever reaches out ever again, dignified silence is going to be my only reply to him. I’ve spent years saying things that fell on deaf ears and now I am done.

    #367530
    jenny
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for the prompt reply.

    No Anita, I didn’t answer his call, nor did I reply to his message. Nothing. I’d promised myself long back after seeing how futile trying to positively engage with him is (the clearest example being me trying to respectfully end it with a closure text to which he very rudely replied, the text that I’d posted here), that I’ll not respond to him ever again. So, no, there was no communication from my side to his calls and text. And it didn’t really bother me yesterday when I saw it. But today I just felt angry and anxious, angry at his attempt to still try and manipulate me by sending these texts instead of trying and being man enough to text/speak directly what it is that he has to say.

    I think I’m just losing respect for him seeing the way he’s behaving, I’d expected that if ever things actually ended, he’d be a little more graceful about it. But I guess this is how it is. Now that I’ve calmed down a little, I am happy that I no longer feel nostalgic or emotional seeing his calls, all I feel now is anger and hopefully this will soon be replaced with indifference.

    Thanks so much Anita. When I felt angry and anxious a while back and just wanted to speak to someone, you were the first person to come to my mind, even before my closest friends and family. Thanks for being so responsive and understanding.

    Love,

    Jenny

    #367522
    jenny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am feeling very anxious right now and will be really happy to have some guidance.

    So, I’m moving on, have clarity, working on myself.
    Amid all that my ex calls day before yesterday and yesterday. Yesterday after a couple of calls, he leaves this message:

    Hi, please call, I have to tell you something, something I’ve to convey.

    What is this Anita, if he has to say something, just say it on text. If there’s actually a message, just convey it. On one hand this makes me feel that its another of his lame excuses to just make me talk but on the other, I am human, it does bother me that what is it that he has to convey. If I imagine myself in his place, if there’s actually something to say to a person who’s not answering my calls, I’d just write it down and send it to them. What is going on Anita? I obviously didn’t answer his calls because every time that I’ve talked to him, it’s ended badly, but seriously what is this? Why does he not text if its actually something urgent/important, why does he keep calling and then leave these provocative/hinting texts? I just don’t need this in my life anymore.

    Regards,

    Jenny.

    #367265
    jenny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You’re right I think. I need to take agency for my own life and make better decisions for myself. Agreed.

    The reason for this current post is however, to thank you. I think the particular problem that I came with to this thread is solved.

    So, yesterday, L called me multiple times, again after a month or so I think. And Anita, for the first time I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Not nostalgia, not love, not even hatred. It was just another call blinking on my phone that I didn’t feel like answering. That’s it. Later tho when I saw my phone and saw 8 missed calls from him,  I was borderline repulsed by the thought that for 5 years I took so much disrespect from this person. I had texted on this site less than a month ago, literally stuck because I just couldn’t let go and now I am free of this. So many things that you’ve said, Peter said, I think they actually made a difference.
    And honestly I think my perspective on what I want in a man is slowly changing, in my head at least. When I am thinking of what i put up with and the kind of men i was attracted to, I feel like its not something that I want hereon.
    There’s definitely a lot of self-work to be done but gosh, I’m at least free of my past unhealthy relation.

    Thank You So much Anita. You’ve no idea how much of a help you’ve been. Just to have someone listen to even your most bizarre thoughts and bother to give a thoughtful opinion on them, is commendable. And to think that you’re doing that for absolute strangers, is very giving of you. I wish you all the happiness for all the positivity you’re spreading here. For helping me identify some of my childhood hurt and helping me break the abusive cycle that i was stuck into, I will forever be grateful. Thanks Much.

    Love,

    Jenny.

    #366999
    jenny
    Participant

    Dear Tania,

    I read your thread and I’m really sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t really have any advice but just that amid all this, try and keep faith in the Universe’s/God’s plan for you. Believe that the Universe has your back and while everything seems wrong right now, things will get better, for you. How, you don’t know yet, but believe that it will, that will give you a lot of strength. Trust that whatever is best for you will happen. Trust that the Universe will find a way to guide you and your baby towards peace and what is the absolute best for you. In times when we feel betrayed, when we’re not able to decide and think clearly, unburden yourself from the pressure of constantly thinking about what is right, what is not and what you should do and take each day as it comes. In my experience, such belief and faith really helps.

    Sending love and strength your way,

    Jenny.

    #366986
    jenny
    Participant

    Sure Anita.

    I just happened to think of something, I think I’ve mourned this relationship enough now. so I’ll just put it out here so that I can revisit whenever I need to.

    It’s been a year to my break-up. When he left, again, I promised myself that I will never let him back in but I remember literally saying it aloud to the universe, literally wailing, that you will have to bring him back, you will have to make him contact me, Give him the happiest life but for one second, you will have to make him at least see the hurt he gave me and make him call me. And he did. Not once, not twice, but umpteen times, from multiple numbers, on multiple platforms, every week, for 9 whole months after I repetitively told him not to. The Universe gave me what I’d asked for even though I now see how impulsive and silly that thought was. How Vain was it! For even after all his calls, I was still as hurt as I had been when he left, it served no purpose, yes my ego was less bruised, my validation-seeking self was temporarily placated but the hurt at the bottom of it all stayed. Because my relation, as I’d known it for 5 years, was still over.
    What hurts the most is having to accept that there won’t be another minute in my life that I will spend with this particular person, that all the dreams that I had of a life with specifically him, will never come true, all the things that he and I used to talk of doing, won’t ever happen. There won’t be another minute in parallel universe when He and I will be together. He will live all his major life events, marriage, child-birth, vacations with some other girl, he will share his happiness and sorrow with some other girl. I will also live all the dreams he and I used to see, but with someone else. I know ‘that’ someone else will be better than L, my gut knows it, I know that I’m a good person at heart with immense capacity to love, that the universe has my back and so the person that I’ll end up with will be 10 times better than what L was to me but it will not be him. He won’t have his hands, his face, his laughter, his voice, his way of talking, his mannerisms and that is the most difficult part. Acceptance of the end of my journey with him, once and for all. Acceptance that he is not the one chosen to be with me till the end of my life. And that the little ‘our world’ that I always thought we had created is or will soon be lost in oblivion and become nothing.
    I do think all kinds of thoughts, imagine whether he will miss me in the long-term, if years from now he will tell his friends over a couple of drinks that he often thinks of me. A part of my mind is grossed out by these thoughts, why would I want a man that I loved spend any moment in pain of missing someone who’s no longer in his life, why would I wish for his future-wife that her husband love her but still miss his ex-gf. What kind of twisted thinking is that! Moreover what will that accomplish? What did his calling for 9 months accomplish? I was praying for it to happen, it happened and then? Whether he misses/thinks/regrets/hates/loves/forgets me or not, the reality is that none of it really matters. The only thing real between us, the relationship is over and all this wishful thinking is simply crying over spilt milk which will lead to nothing. Even if he literally pines over me for all his life in his head, the reality will remain that our relationship is over, he will have a wife, I will have a husband and we will have two different paths in life.
    I now have a choice. That relationship is over. The right part of my mind knows that it wasn’t a healthy relation and I am better off without it but even if I let myself have rose-tinted glasses, it is still over. And now I have a choice to make. I can either continue living the way I’m living now, half-heartedly. Working, laughing, loving, thinking, doing everything but half-heartedly, letting my heart nurture and validate the loss and keeping some semblance of him alive within me by continuing to think of him. Where will it lead me in some time? I will have a half-lived life, a life that is not lived up to its highest potential and it’ll show, in my relations, my work, my physical and mental being. I can let this loss slow the speed of my life and dim its luster. To top it all, if the validation-seeking self that I’ll continue to be ever looks at him again for validation, I’ll only see him smirking, thanking himself for leaving the kind of life I’d end up creating for myself. Or, I can decide to rise above it. Not just accept it, but embrace it, not let it make me cynical about life but hopeful about new beginnings, and live a life happier than I’ve ever lived. It is difficult but doable. I can choose to wish him well in my heart and leave him to lead the life that he desires and deserves. I can choose nurturing my present and future, instead of nurturing my past, validating myself instead of validating the relationship. I can develop love, kindness, positivity to such levels that the relations that I have and will have will be more beautiful than I could ever imagine; put so much love and dedication in my work, in my physical and metal well-being that my life shines brighter than it does today. Yes, my dreams of first-love, of everything with L, will not come true but so what, I have the choice to create new dreams of my own and also those with another partner, more suited to me, instead of crying over the loss of the old ones and then go on to fulfill them. Yes, my relationship with L will remain a chapter of my life and once in a blue-moon I might think of him just like I still sometimes think of my old school days, with fondness, but I have the choice to make my life so wholesome by then that my present will look 10 times brighter than what my past did. Yes, I will lose the remnants of the world that I’d created with L, that I’m holding onto, once and for all, but if I don’t let it go, I run the bigger risk of losing the opportunity to have a wholesome, truly happy and fulfilling life. In letting everything related to L go, I will gain a brand-new chance at life, and with the lessons learnt in the past, I can make it so much better than my past.
    And I will make the second choice now. It will be difficult but now that I know this is lost, I’m going to leave it in the past and work towards my best life with all that I do have, and come to think of it, I have a lot.

    I think I’ll read this every time I need to. I just want to start over now and stop thinking about what I’ve lost and start honing and cherishing what I do have.

    #366981
    jenny
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Hope you’re well.

    So I took a long break, tried sorting things out in my head. Few things that I’m doing that is helping me on a daily basis:

    – I spoke to my mom. I’d told in a previous post that I spoke to dad. In the last few days, I spoke to mom too, about it and I poured out all that I had to say, everything that I had kept in. I’d never really said it all out and it went well. She understood it, apologized, we cried together over phone and for the first time in my life, I felt something that I can’t explain. I felt I don’t know, I felt safe. I felt as if I’ve won a battle, I felt as if now I can take anything that life throws at me. I felt safer than I’ve ever felt and the feeling has persisted. I felt ‘right’ for the first time in life. I hope this will continue.

    – I’ll be lying if I said I’m not having thoughts about L (my ex) anymore, however, weirdly, it’s now down to just one thought. It’s like a broken record at the back of my head going on and on. It’s this- I’ve read men on some platforms (Quora/reddit/real-life conversations) talk about their old loves from 30-40 years ago, men who say I’m happily married but a part of me still misses my ex-gf, men who say I will always think what if I had ended up with her etc etc and wonder, will he ever think of me like that or will I just be forgotten”?
    I don’t know why I think this. On the positive note, I’ve stopped thinking many other thoughts, I think I’m slowly accepting things so maybe they don’t bother me anymore. Like I no longer wonder if he’ll regret leaving me. Somehow I’ve accepted that if he couldn’t see things when he was with me, it is useless for me to think that he will see things after he leaves me and it doesn’t bother me anymore. But I do still keep thinking if I’ll be his ‘one that got away’. Will I be that Anita? I don’t know, I think it’s just one of those things that you can never really know.

    Rest, things are looking up. I’m on the whole feeling better, free, confident and most importantly more sure about myself and my thoughts, less constant questioning.
    Not much else on my mind right now, I’ll be glad to read anything that you’d have to say about this.

    Love,
    Jenny

    #366507
    jenny
    Participant

    So Anita, I took a break and read the thread again to let it sink in. I also went through a few other threads on the site that were on similar lines.
    Yesterday when dad called, I spoke to him about what I felt, I hadn’t planned on doing it but it just flowed out of me. I told him that I had felt unsupported by him as a teenager when I needed him to comfort/shield me when mom scolded/criticized me and that while I’ve moved on from all that now, it still disturbs me at a sub-conscious level. Surprisingly, he understood it. He accepted it, understood it and told me how he’s himself felt bad about it for a long while (I was surprised that dad remembered so many incidents and he categorically told me that here and here I should have stood up for you but I didn’t just to keep peace but I know it came at a cost). I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not but I felt so nice. I didn’t want to live with a knot in my heart against my dad and once I told him all about it and more importantly, as he understood it, it felt nice and sorted.

    Now onto my romantic relationship which is my main focus in this thread-

    1. You were right, I do obsess about him. But after a lot of introspection (I literally made flowcharts at a point of time yesterday), I realized that all my obsessive thoughts are like streams coming out of this one umbrella thought that I have, and that is at the root of all of it. It goes like this: I loved him a lot- He left me- I was hurt- I wonder if he will ever regret letting me go/ see me as the one that got away. Everything feeds into this major obsession that I have with whether or not he will regret losing me. That is why I keep thinking if I was bad because I question am I worth regretting, and keep thinking if he’ll be better with someone else because that’ll show he doesn’t regret losing me. So that is my major issue. That is the thought that I have to let go. I can’t think of any way to do that besides just telling myself that it doesn’t matter whether he does or doesn’t. The relation is over and that’s that. If there is any other advice that you have in this matter as to how do I end this obsession with constantly wondering if he’ll regret anything, do let me know.

    2. Mom had told me this a few years back after one of my breakups with him when I was just waiting for him to be back aka obsessing to a level higher than even today. It had helped me but then I fell back into the relation and back into my previous doubting/obsessive tendencies. She’d told me that God has a plan for you, he does for all of us. He thinks about you. If you keep obsessing over all of this, what should I do, what should I not do, what will he think, will he come back or not, will he miss me/regret or not, you are doing all the thinking and worrying for your life, God will be like okay, she’s worrying/thinking about her life enough for both our parts, so let her do it, I need not worry about her life. Leave some things on God, let him also think for you, let him show you a path, have faith in what the universe has planned for you, if his coming back is what is best for you, that will happen, if his staying away from him is best for you, that will happen. Have faith in the universe’s plan for you and stop overthinking. Have faith that what is best for you will happen.
    I just happened to remember this advice and it stuck and made sense. For now at least, it is making me feel very calm. So I think this is what I am going to do, to let it go. Try reducing my obsession with him regretting letting me go and leave few things to the universe and take each day as it comes.
    This is what I’ve been able to figure out so far, will reach out as more things clear up.

    Love

    Jenny

    #366319
    jenny
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I think there’s a real mind-heart battle here. I think with reading up a fair bit in the last one year and exchanges with you in the last few days, my mind has a fair idea about what is right and can suggest decent perspectives to others, it’s just that when it comes to applying it to my own life, in my heart and emotionally, I’m taking time accepting it and coming on the same page as my mind.

    You’re right, I will take a break for a few days. I’ve been going through the discussions between Peter, Marie, You and Me here to let it all sink in without getting overwhelmed. I’ll get back to you in a couple of days with all that I have understood out of it to discuss my next steps towards a better future.

    Again, thank you so much, Anita. I can’t stress enough how much clarity, engaging with you, has brought to my mental state. Definitely showed me that the kind of people you engage with makes a world of difference to the way you start thinking. Engaging with more positive people and maybe not being very close to some of my friends is definitely one of my priorities hereon.

    Will be back.

    Jenny.

    #366292
    jenny
    Participant

    You did really good Amelia. Yay for the clarity. Every step away from a disrespectful situation is a step towards greater self-worth.

    I don’t think you’ve ‘wasted’ anything. It was a learning experience, you gained knowledge that will help you make better choices in the future, knowledge about behavioral patterns, human relations and most importantly about what you really want in a relationship, that you may not have have gained without this experience. Also, people spend years into disrespectful relations before realizing. Be happy that you realized early in time and have a entire life ahead filled with potential and goodness.

    I’m really happy for you. This is giving even me strength. Girls standing up for themselves. And the upset feeling will get better with time, slowly but surely. Rest, Anita and Rose of Yellow will be able to give you more experienced perspectives.

    Well Done

    Jenny

    #366287
    jenny
    Participant

    Amelia,

    You asked how do you let go as even imagining the post-breakup scenario is hard. Gosh I was just there myself and then I read a beautiful article that helped me make a decision and decide to not remain in that relation despite very strong feelings and attachment (If I can find that article again online, I’ll post it here).

    See it like this. You are justifiably not happy with the current scenario, but there ‘was’ a nice time which makes you think that there is potential. You are holding on, expecting and hoping for a change and a happier future. Long-term Change in his behavior and his treatment towards you. Now, no one can 100% predict or guarantee it. Being even extremely optimistic, there is a 50% chance that he’ll change but 50% that he will not change , equal chances (though I think the probability of no change is rather higher as its already the reality, probability of change is banking on potential, reality > potential). Now without a doubt, you’ll be elated if he changes but also ask yourself that if he does not change, is it something that you will be able to live with in this relationship? If you stay, or marry, you have to go in accepting both the possibilities.
    That is what made me choose to not remain in the relationship. I was like, all this while I am thinking and hoping it’ll be so nice if he changes but what if he doesn’t? Will I be able to stay happy if things remain as they are? Will I be able to accept it, his angry outbursts and snapping at me? And given that my ex had similar habits of getting angry, shouting and being irritable like your current partner, my answer was no, I’ll be miserable if he doesn’t change. And though extremely difficult, that realisation helps you see through post-breakup times.
    I agree with Rose of Yellow that you can’t change him. At max you can inspire him to change but whether he actually puts in efforts to change and changes sustainably, is totally up to him. Ask yourself if that is a risk that you’re willing to take. I also agree with Anita, Specially about the part that sorry means nothing until its backed up with actions and not just short term actions, but long sustainable ones.

    That’s just my two cents strictly from my own little experience as your story resonated with mine, I’m not very experienced, so take it with a pinch of salt.

    Love,

    Jenny

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