Anita, thank you so much for the kind words, I feel like you’ve seen me through a lot of this and it helps to have the extra insight. Are you a therapist by trade or just wise?

He comes from a very traditional European family (did not fully grow up in Canada) with a sort of cold mother, and a warm but seemingly distant father. They are both gracious people, but the father is a drinker now and I feel these issues have subsisted through most of his life. I did ask if he was able to express emotions as a child and he said that was not encouraged or accepted. It seems that they taught him that church, school and work and marriage would lead to happiness in life and he questioned these teachings. He did not feel understood and still seems quite distant and annoyed with them. He said that in his 20s, while he was travelling that they did not reach out to him much in 3 years to see how he was doing. Not a great dynamic there. I do think that he feels that he has disappointed them in life, with his choice of work and his lack of a marriage and providing grandchildren. He has stated as much and when I came to Christmas dinner last year his father seemed to express extreme happiness for him, having a new girl in his life and welcoming me into the family. He seems to care what they think as in the beginning I would leave from the house late and would walk out to my car on the street at night. Apparently his parents were quite upset with his and ever since then he has always walked me to my car. They also expressed that they wished we would eat with them more, and he mentioned this to me at some point so we tried to do that more. He still seemed to feel that their marriage was not something to aspire to, less than perfect and riddled with bickering and discontent. I see other sides to that and there are genuine moments of care and affection that I have witnessed.

His OCD seems to surround cleanliness, order and symmetry. When he first came over to my house he stayed over and remarked that my kettle had disgusting limescale buildup and how could I be so slovenly. He found many other disgusting things wrong with my housekeeping skills. His mother keeps a very clean house and it seems that he must have been ordered to follow suit as a child. When we go on day trips he packs the trunk with a very specific order and he will not tolerate food in his car. Mostly his life is orderly and well kept, so that he is able to feel in control. He does seem to suffer from depression as well. Compulsions are learned behaviours, which become repetitive and habitual when they are associated with relief from anxiety. I imagine he would experience relief if he cleaned his room and wasn’t nagged about it by his mother as child. This must have led to compulsions which became habitual.

I believe the obsessive thinking comes about with his relationships with others. It seems he actually put a lot of thought into our future, but mainly the reasons it wouldn’t work out, which seemed to do with shortcomings about me.

I really didn’t think I had any expectations left for us, but his behaviour really led me to believe that he might be trying to seek closeness, and he played the role of boyfriend so well that I thought he might be opening up. Each time he had me fooled, or he had himself fooled, I’m not quite sure.

I went to visit him briefly this evening before I spent time with friends and family. He lives in the same neighbourhood as all of them. I wanted to talk a little in person, and I do feel for how he is doing. He has not be taking our separation well. He said he has been using work to keep as busy as possible, but when I saw him he looked utterly beside himself and depressed. He would barely look me in the eye. He told me he’s been having terrible sleep. He gave me a late birthday present and we talked a little about his work schedule. He didn’t really ask how I am doing. I told him that I’d like to see him when he’s ready and some time has passed for me as well and I really do want him in my life if he felt that way too and it could be healthy.

He started to walk away to go back inside and said sarcastically “yeah, if you’d want to see me..”I had just told him I did so I asked what he meant by that. He said “well you want to move on, if I can’t do things the way that you want, then you don’t want any of this at all”. He said “you don’t want to keep getting closer.” I found it very strange for him to say that as it felt like he was admitting that we were indeed getting close and that he was almost enjoying that and had been optimistic about it. It was kind of like seeing a pouty child talk about how he wasn’t getting his way. I explained to him that I did want to keep seeing him but not in a romantic way, because he had made it quite clear that eventually he would leave me for someone else and did not see a future with me. I asked him “don’t you understand that this would break my heart and hurt me greatly”. I asked him if he could see himself leaving me for someone else and he shrugged and said “well…” as if it may never happen. Then he said “yes we should take some time…” and walked away. I told him I’d love for nothing more than for us to keep getting closer in a real way, as we had been doing, but not if it meant that he wouldn’t acknowledge what had been going on, and that he would seek out better opportunities for himself. I mean I have also been confused and sort of playing along in this as well, letting him believe that it might go on forever, but I need to consider reality and how it makes me feel terribly at least some of the time.

The whole interaction left me feeling guilty, manipulated, but also sad for him as I am not sure if he can see his part in any of this.. I don’t know if he truly can see if he’s being selfish. I also don’t know if he was trying to say that he was almost getting to a point where he could dive in. I felt like he admitted to that a little, but now I was ruining that by giving him an ultimatum in his eyes.

I don’t know, should I have waited to see if he would have gone with another girl, or if he eventually would’ve been happy with me. The one thing it did make me see was what an effect I really did have on his life and how happy I really did seem to make him. He just seemed so lost and miserable today; like any colour he did have before had been sucked out of him.

I feel an even greater need to tell him how loved he truly is, now more than ever. I know I give the most to people who give the least in return.