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Michelle

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  • #374769
    Michelle
    Participant

    Anita, what do you think about me expressing love again. I almost feel like he’s been trying to express it for a while, and I would like to let him know he can, or give him an opportunity to, but it will probably be easier if I say it first again. What do you think? It’s hard because he didn’t respond the first time and because of what he’s told me in the past. I don’t feel the need to push it, or feel assured. I do feel that he does. I just feel like it could be time to try again.

    #374740
    Michelle
    Participant

    Good advice Anita. I just felt like I needed like a fraction of reassurance and I feel like I waited a good amount of time before I probed again and I feel like it was just enough to see that the progress I feel that we’ve been making, has been seen and felt by him too. I will definitely have to keep working hard to be mindful. Glad I could brighten your day a bit.

    #374728
    Michelle
    Participant

    Dear Dan, if you visit my profile, you will see that I post a lot about a relationship that I’ve been having, that seemed to be unrequited but has shifted over time. This has caused me a lot of heartache and anxiety and dear Anita has helped me through a lot of it.

    Here is what I have learned about going through ambivalent love:

    1. We have no idea what the future really holds. Just look at this year and this virus. Las Valentines I was broken up with a man, told he saw no future with me, and here we are a year later. What will be will truly be.

    2. Try to find an anchor to hold onto when you’re confused. Try to trust yourself  and the universe and the idea that things will turn out for the very best no matter what the outcome. Sometimes we forget that other people are on their own journey and it can take time to meet up with them again in the right place. I know that if I am going to be with the man I’ve been up and down with this past year and a half, I will need to give him a lot of time and space for himself.

    3. Know that if things don’t turn out the way you’d hoped, be grateful for all of the love and care you put out into the universe and know that it will be okay. There is something coming your way, and you can’t see it yet. The love is coming back around. It is not a waste.

    People pull us in all sorts of directions and we’re sometimes just riding the wave. Honestly I’m the kind of girl who has put it all out there in the past. To be honest, I’ve blown off men before and I know you’re afraid of getting in too deep and too hard for this one girl, but maybe her plans changed that weekend. She probably should’ve told you and been more open with you, and she may be on the fence about you. But I’m against silence unless the person tells you that they no longer want you in their life. Silence and space can be necessary at times for our own protection and to give the other person a chance to think, but you didn’t give her a declaration before going into “quiet mode”. So unless she specifically told you not to contact her, I would tell her how you have been feeling and put it out there and let her know someone has intent and has been thinking about her and has been buying her necklaces for Christmas. I feel like if you don’t you might wonder… It seems like you still have been. And if she then tells you to bugger off, then I agree with Anita, time to move on. One blow off wouldn’t be enough to stop me. Hell if it was I wouldn’t be where I am today, with someone I thought for sure didn’t want me a year ago.

    #374727
    Michelle
    Participant

    So today I became very brave. We had a lovely Valentine’s Day together and he made us a steak dinner and I bought him some chocolate. He bought me ice skates so we could go ice skating. I was satisfied, but at the same time growing as confused as ever, because a year ago we were broken up and he didn’t see a future. I also spent a second weekend in a row with his family and his sister and her kids and he bought presents for them and said they were from us. More acknowledgement of us as a couple.

    So I decided on some questions I could ask. First I asked if he was still seeking other women on the dating apps. It seems that I caught him off guard. He said he still had the apps but he found them ridiculous and was only using them for people watching and he was not interested in seeing other women. Just a reminder this statement comes about a month or so after I told him I would be off them for good. I played dumb and said “but don’t you want to meet someone else” because that had always been what he’d been telling me. He said no I don’t like other people and I have you. And I pushed further and said but I thought you felt there was someone else out there for you and he just said “no I don’t want to meet anyone else anymore.” Then he asked again if I was.

    So I left that and we went on with our day, but I was still curious if this was just some stuff he was telling me to appease me. So I waited and wrestled back in forth with it in my head, should i just leave it or should I ask him. I promised that if the answer was no I’d try to start dating again. So we lay down cuddling and he asked how my Valentine’s was, and I came up with the courage and blurted “would you even consider living together?” before I could chicken out. He seemed to respond rather quickly and said “maybe, but where would I put all of my stuff?” It seems that he’s been pondering on his own. I told him we could get rid of my stuff but I didn’t expect him to move here. Maybe he’s been considering here because of the cheap rent hah. I said I thought it was too far from work and he said it probably is. I wasn’t going to let him off scotch free, so I said well maybe when you move out again soon, we can have a trial where I stay with you for a bit and if it makes you uncomfortable I can leave, no questions. He said he would think about it. MAJORRR progress. I feel, from him telling me he’d never be with me and didn’t see a future. I’ll take it for now, even if he takes it back. It just feels like one giant leap for womankind, everywhere, who deal with men and their commitment issues and have some patience.

    #371939
    Michelle
    Participant

    Anna, can you give more of a backstory about how you met, and the circumstances that led to you talking more and more?  Were you dating and seeing each other in person before the  pandemic? Another question, how do you feel about him?

    #371690
    Michelle
    Participant

    I agree with most of your point Anita. At times I do feel like I am reaching, but I do not feel that I am knowingly looking for evidence that may confirm what I hope to be true. It’s more that I’ve doubted do much that it can be true (that he loves me and perhaps see a future) that I actually notice when he does something that questions this doubt. So while it seems like I am trying to reaffirm a belief, it is more as though I just really can’t tell what is real anymore.
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I wouldn’t say that I resign myself to the idea that things are fated completely. I don’t really believe this, I think we still have some free will within the framework. I do believe that people come into our lives for different reasons and that each person that we form unique bonds with has purpose for our lives. The things that feel fated with this man are more like synchronicities than a belief that we have to end up together. I believe more in what is revealed is what is meant, so I don’t hold the preconceived idea that I have to be with this man. I feel a kinship with him. We lived within a block of each other growing up in a large city, and there was no way I would’ve known this until meeting him. We also worked in the same plaza inna different location at the same time. His sister and me worked at the same spa within a few months of each other, etc. Odd things like that, that I guess could be coincidences. I just feel that my life is tied to him in odd ways.</p>
     

    Like I’ve said before I would rather it be neat and tidy. I’d rather believe I am not the one for him and we could go on in our lives and he could find the one. Usually when someone tells me it’s over and done they don’t continue to pursue me and build experience with me, but besides that point, I am usually happy to believe them because usually it reaffirms for me that THEY are not the one. I had one boyfriend tell me this in the past and I accepted it and moved out from our living situation but I did not fully believe him. Within a month he wrote me a letter about how much he wanted to be with me and was going through something and we were together for three more years. Sometimes what someone says at face value just doesn’t add up or feel right, as much as it would be easier and neater if it did. That’s the problem I’m having here. I always think of Shakespeare “doth though protest too much”. I feel as though something is off when this man tells me he doesnt see me as the one, which hasn’t been recently btw. I feel as though he is almost creating this as the story for himself to fit what suits his defense mechanisms. But anyways beyond all the psychoanalysis, I know I have to do what is healthy for me too eventually. And I may just kindly need to take time for myself eventually. I do hope we are in each other’s lives as friends for life. Because even if we both find other partners there is nothing more beautiful than a friendship that stands the test of time. I still feel that we are changing each other.

     

    Sorry for the block of text. This is on my phone. Can’t really edit well without my computer.

    #371681
    Michelle
    Participant

    There are so many things wrong with your reply and so many things to reply to. You have so much of it wrong and you clearly did not ready through my posts. I am not sleeping with other men and no I wouldn’t tell him about a pregnancy scare to make him jealous.

    Perhaps you have been wronged by men in the past, I’m not sure why you keep such a singular view, but you keep it with such a fervent measure. You’re discounting all relationships that ever proved to be confusing or hard or requiring of patience with your view. I have a friend who said I love you to her husband and he didn’t say it until a year later and they’re married with kids now. Not every man who can’t express how he feels is a waste of time or user looking for the next woman.

    He may very well not see me as the one and there may very be a better woman out there for him, but that doesn’t exclude the possibility that he does close himself off from people he gets close to and that he uses excuses to keep them at a distance. There is a reason why there is psychoanalysis. The human mind and early experiences are very diverse and shape us all in different ways. I am slowly watching and hearing more about his experience. I am not trying to force conversations that he sees as hard. Even his own sister has expressed that he’s a difficult one to figure out.

     

    Anyways I don’t need any more of your analysis chickadee, thank you, but it’s not an analysis that I’m unfamiliar with. I’m not rejecting it to fit so schema in my head either. Most of the time I tell myself how likely it is this won’t work out. I’d be surprised if it did, but it doesn’t mean our connection is worthless or that I need to drop him like a hot potato. I’m aware of what is going on and I don’t feel that I am being used. Please do not respond to my thread anymore. I am looking for analysis that is kind and open minded and seeks to uncover truths that might be a little more hidden than I believe your type of analysis can account for. That’s just what peaks my curiousity. I believe your more Frank and black and white approach may suit certain situations and with other relationships I may have benefited from it, but not with this one.

     

    Respectfully, Michelle.

     

    #371667
    Michelle
    Participant

    I read a lot about dismissive types a few months into dating him. He does fit the stereotype of one a d the behaviour patterns. I had quite a few interesting discussions with his sister this Christmas, but we couldn’t really get alone to have a really good talk, but she told me that she’d really like to understand how ge sees his childhood, because she said it was a good one for her, but she feels like he doesn’t feel that way. I told her I agree and I’d also like to find out .ore about why. She also doesn’t understand how he views their parents’ marriage as being so poor. It’s perception right?

    Did I ever tell you about the dream he has where we were out on the streets near his childhood home and he was searching for me relentlessly and couldn’t find me in the dream, but I had been with him and he was so worried. This was shortly before I tried to break things off with him. He also made a snide remark about what analysis he thought I would come to, because it was so obvious.  I mean clearly he thinks he will lose something good. It’s so nice being with his family and seeing him with his nephews and even if we don’t make it I would love to be friends with his sister. Funny how that happens. My brothers ex fiance is one of my best friends even though he told me afterwards never to speak to her. He didn’t have a relationship with me to warrant him asking that of me.

    Anyways thanks for the extra insights. Merry Christmas.

     

     

     

     

    #371618
    Michelle
    Participant

    You know what’s funny Anita, the last three times that I’ve gone to see if you’ve replied, I have come to the page 6-7 seconds after you’ve posted. Weird synching happening.

    Anyways, thanks so much for the time and energy you’ve put into this whole journey with me and this man. I wish you a Merry Christmas if you celebrate or else a Happy Holidays.

    Part of me can envision a future like the one you suggested, definitely something unconventional, possibly even sleeping in separate rooms. Sometimes I feel that his compliments and efforts are bigger than I even know. Like he’s trying to say more with them. My friend who was engaged to my brother mentions that my brother was very similar to Carl in the beginning of their relationship. Refused to acknowledge the relationship and downright rejected it many times. He’s of a similar personality (OCD), but different upbringing. He eventually proposed to her and then cheated on her with someone online who lives out of the country. He’s currently trying to get her back. This was over a span of 7 years. It could go on for some time.

    Thank you for your analysis of my openness. You’re very kind.

    I didn’t get him anything really emotional this year like I did last, and no card as he doesn’t seem to appreciate them. I did have an idea for a good gift that would touch him a little more, but I will save it for later. He says my gift didn’t arrive in time, but he described it as shiny haha. I asked if it was a spoon.

    #371608
    Michelle
    Participant

    I don’t take issue with your more current analysis Anita. I just wonder if there is any hope as I feel like a lot of progress has been made, and I don’t know how to move away from this man, nor do I feel a need to at the current time. He is so woven in the fabric of my psyche, that it’s just too hard to unravel him. But at the same time I don’t feel stuck or weak because of him. I feel like if I really needed to move away from him I could. I just feel like we have a story to play out still.

    I’m not sure that his love drains and breaks me, but it has definitely expanded my view of the world. Isn’t that what love does, change the way you see yourself and others? I don’t take issue with your conclusion and I feel that there are others in my life who feel the same.

    I’m about the spend the next few days with this man and his family and mine. I will report back with thoughts. I just keep feeling like something is about to bestow me/us. My friend asked me the other day if I think he is a soulmate. Absolutely, I just don’t know what happens now that we’ve met.

    #371573
    Michelle
    Participant

    I don’t know what to think Anita, as I go back and forth between feeling like he only sees it short-term, to also being confused by some of the things he says and some of the actions he makes. Also these new revelations seems to discredit what you have said in the past, no? IDo you still believe that he has trouble opening up with people because of his parents, or do you think it is just me he has trouble doing this with.

    I’m confused as to why he would want to come to my family’s house and get involved with them again if he only sees it as short term. It would be much easier for him to say he’d rather just stay with his family on Christmas day. I’ve also know men who have seen me as a short term casual affair, and they don’t tend to care the way he does, or want to spend much time. If anything they’re indifferent, and at worst uninterested and it shows.  I know you’re saying that maybe he is able to do that because he knows it will end, but I feel the opposite is true, that he would feel guilty and thus he would slowly pull away more and more. I feel like he is unsure and that the only thing that would make him more sure is time and the dissolution of his ideals.

    Therefore he would need to seek out other women to reinforce that I am truly not or truly am what he is looking for. I feel it is more a case of what you said before. Him feeling imperfect and being afraid to disappoint me and be rejected by me in the end. Thus no one can be perfect enough to suit his ideal. I feel he’s played defense more than offense? He has told me that he has ended relationships a lot sooner and for simpler reasons than the ones that he tried to pin on me.

    I also don’t think he would’ve been so distraught at the idea of losing me over the summer. He was severely depressed for the weeks that we weren’t talking or seeing each other much. I feel like men who have not really wanted to be with me and have been fine to move on and seem to feel relief when it’s over.

    Like I said in my heart of hearts, I’m not quite sure it’s as black and white as he only sees it short term. It’s different to have a carpe diem attitude about things when you are dying with one week left to live, or you’re on vacation and have a lot to spend, but I don’t know if his character is reckless enough to be so unforgiving with my heart and his level of investment. Though perhaps it’s true and what is most confusing is that he truly does care about me and does love me, but it doesn’t translate to a livelong love. Perhaps that’s just the hardest ideal of all to let go of, because it’s forced down our throats. That if we don’t end up in holy matrimony with the people we date, that we have failed, and should feel ultimate rejection. But perhaps that just isn’t meant for me. Perhaps love can and does exist outside of that box, but he’s also wary to express it in fear of disappointing me by not being able to give me a life long love. I just don’t know anymore if that’s meant for everyone and if it’s meant for me.

     

     

    #371525
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you again for your insightful thoughts. You always seem to shed light to the dark areas.

    I have been thinking a lot about why he rejects the commitment, and I do agree that it seems to be a lack of self esteem on his part and the belief that perhaps if he lets me in that I will abandon/reject him. I do wonder about his past and if he was ever cheated on. He still has not disclosed anything about prior relationships, but has opened up in other ways slightly.

    I still don’t think he is actively dating, yet he may still be on the apps. I wouldn’t know. I am however, not. If there comes a day where he tells me he has formed a relationship with someone else, I have told myself that that will be my sign that there is another love for me.

    It’s strange. The way he has weaved himself into my life. The way he cares about insignificant things. The last time he came over he made a list of things he needs to bring me for my home, just to make my life easier. A mailbox because mine broke, some water filters, and he wants to fix a lamp I have in the living room, but don’t intend to keep. I know this is typical male behaviour, but he just seems to keep trying. He also told me that I have gotten better looking since we’ve met. My friend told me that it’s a strange thing for him to say, and she took it to mean that he’s falling for me. I thought it was a weird compliment.

    I will be going to his family’s house for Christmas Eve, which isn’t that strange because he still pretends that we’re together in front of them. But I invited him to my mom’s for Christmas Day, which was an invitation I thought he would reject. He actually told me he’d like to come. It’s rather odd, as he has not seen my mom since last Christmas and not since we broke up last January. He’s sort of walking into a ring of fire, even though my mom is not confrontational. It’s strange that with no intention to want to be with me, that he wants to spend part of the holidays with my family, after everything. And I made it clear that he could just stay home with his family and I would understand.

    I also recently had a bit of a pregnancy scare, and he reacted rather well. He just said it would be my decision and he would support me. Now when my period is a bit late, he says “oh do we have one on the way”… He said the only thing that scares him about it, is that he doesn’t know how to talk to babies.

    But I dare not ask questions. I still feel extremely connected to him and even more so after all of this time. The more I look back on our story, the more fated it seems. I remember how I felt before I even met him. I just saw his picture and I thought “that’s my one”. Everything else that came after was just so natural. I’ve never had a first date where I felt like I was high after. Where I felt so calm and incredibly excited at the same time. And his words on that day matched mine. We both felt it, we both talked about the future and things we would do, people we wanted each other to meet. My friends still ask if I can deal with being with him, but giving up a life of being together, living together, possibly having a family. I don’t feel like I’m giving anything up if it’s really meant to be. And it’s hard not to enjoy every moment we spend together, even without any clear direction. I just feel like I had no say in when I met him, how I would feel about him. I feel like the wind has carried us this far, it’s bound to carry us the rest of the way.

    If there comes a time where I no longer feel for him what I do, or I feel that he wants to let go, I will let us do so. Because there is nothing to hold on to except fear of losing. Something that is truly yours cannot be lost. If you need to hold on to it, you’re grasping and it will be manipulated into something that isn’t true. I just feel like when I met him he was there all along, so it’s hard to picture a time where I won’t carry him in my heart.

    #371395
    Michelle
    Participant

    I am just seeing these posts from Chickadee33 now. I am also seeing that they were flagged for inappropriate content. These replies to what I feel were vulnerable and thoughtful posts about a very difficult relationship that I have been experiencing, were judgmental, hasty, and quite insulting. Unlike Anita who spent the time to thoroughly consider what I was experiencing and what he might also be experiencing, it seems that Chickadee33 took it upon herself to place blame, and also imagine that she has the ultimate insight into what is really going on between me and this man. She quite kindly broke it down into a case of desperate woman (me) vs. user (man I am seeing). If this were 10 months ago, I might even stop to consider whether or not her view had credibility. As I wrote throughout this relationship, I have spoken of attachment issues I feel I have and how allowing the relationship to unfold unconventionally and at a natural pace, has allowed me to see what is truly unfolding and what could unfold. It has been a practice in non-attachment if anything. I am in a relationship that is said to have no future, and yet, we have been moving along into the future quicker and quicker, picking up speed. This entire time, he has been as equally pursuant of me, as I have been him. There was a short time when I tried to break things off for good, that he was not happy to see me, but I was worried about his mental health at that time for other reasons and so I did try to make more contact with him than he did me. There really has never been a man who has SHOWN me with actions how much he wants me in his life. I have been a watcher throughout our relationship as much as a participant, and I can see the struggles that he faces, as much as Anita has also helped me to understand them with her unique empathetic insight. I do not see the world in black and white, and thus at times I will be naive, but I’d rather be a bit naive, rather than cold and unfeeling and ruthless. I am not a fool for loving, I would be a fool for wanting. But I no longer wish for the loving in return, I just let what is, BE. The loving comes through in it’s own unique way. I don’t believe that a man who wished to use me and had no interest for me in his life would continue to spend all of his time with me. He comes to see more than I go to see him. I don’t believe he’d ask me to spend the holidays with him and his family, or make plans with me to go places in the new year. I have no interest in convincing anyone to be with me, nor do I think he will magically decide to be if I follow him around long enough. I am happy to just be with him. If he was using me, this would assume manipulation, which would be hard to do, since my eyes are very clearly open.

    It’s a reminder of how easy it is to judge something from the outside, that might appear like it has a black and white appearance, when really it’s coloured with all shades of the rainbow.

    I’ve been to therapy, if you’re really that interested. My therapist has said, sometimes the lesson isn’t for you, sometimes it takes someone open, patient and kind, to teach someone what love is; sometimes I am doing the teaching, even if I don’t mean or want to take on that role.

    I think that Anita and I already discussed a little bit about why I might be seeking out men who have a hard time committing, or maybe her insight led me to consider that on my own. It could be that I am attracted to men who reinforce the idea that I will be abandoned. Sometimes our psyches want to prove that they’re right. Part of it comes down to feeling worthy of love too. If I keep giving love to others, who can’t give back, then maybe i don’t have to receive it, because am I worthy to receive it? I am not beyond considering my own self destructive behaviours and unconscious thought patterns. Maybe you missed the part where I said I have a degree in psych… I am psychoanalytic to a t.

    I kind of wish it were as simple as what you reduced it to Chickadee33. I have been asking myself why it seems to bother others, in my life as well. Namely my estranged brother, etc. Some make judgments out of a protective nature, some because they are angry with themselves for having fallen victim to what they believe are the same patterns, some need to project anger… Myriad of reasons. Some people feel threatened I think, by something that does not fit in a tidy little box.

    I truly believe now more than ever, that I can’t lose what isn’t really mine, so while I feel a strong connection to this man, I don’t need to hold onto that. It just exists there as it does, and will dissolve if it has served its purpose. Will you cause me to question and waver on what I have had the distinct pleasure to witness over a year and a half? Something unexpected and beautiful blossoming out of a relationship that was said to have an expiration date long ago? Life is swift and changing and it changes you. You change people and they change you. Wouldn’t we all be so lucky just to labelled users and those who are used.. I feel as though I’ve had those kind of relationships in the past, and they were always short lived with no depth. No love, no care, nothing binding. My current relationship feels like a sheep dressed in a wolf’s clothing. People have told me it’s the wolf in sheep’s clothing.. .and over time they’ve slowly changed their minds. I think the hardest part about judgement from others is that you start to lose sight of what you see as true, you start to question your own sanity. It’s hard believe your own intuition sometimes, especially when you know the faith in it could hurt you. Your mind wants to protect itself from any kind of damage. It takes a lot of faith to go against your own mind.

    I’m getting a little abstract now. But thank you Chickadee33 for passing judgement and reinforcing just how much the steady rushing river can block out all of that mindless chatter.

    #369001
    Michelle
    Participant

    Anita. Thanks for your reply. You are forever helpful, even in your less focused states, as you put it.

    He makes mention of me seeing other men often. I usually do not say anything when he questions me. Sometimes I say I am only seeing him. I’ve been thinking of reiterating the fact that I am not going to be dating anyone else.

    I have not been encouraging him to get closer to his mom or dad, but I have encouraged him to move out when he can and be there more for his sister and his nephews. More recently he went over to his sister’s late at night (she lives 40 mins from me). Her husband had been drinking and she wasn’t comfortable with how he was speaking to her. He went over at 8pm, after having already been in bed because he gets up so early and called me afterwards and came and slept here. That was also a very intimate family thing to share with me.

    Just to be clear, the joke I made about the guy in the park, was only because he had a bottle of sparkling water that I like. I didn’t mean to say that he was my dream man because he possessed any real attractive qualities. It was him who elaborated on the fact that he looked like an emotional man, and he can’t himself be emotional.

    I never bring up commitment or labelling the relationship anymore and I don’t plan to. Either we will fall into a relationship over time with the investment we are making, or we will go our separate ways. There is nothing to part to at the moment. I’m not moving away, I don’t have anyone else I’d like to see etc. I feel as though ultimatums confirm his fear that I will leave, and because his subconscious desires this in a way, he is likely to allow me to leave, to confirm that love is ultimately too painful and abandoning.

    How are you Anita?

    #368899
    Michelle
    Participant

    Anita, so as it turns out, the problem ended up being that while I didn’t feel that I was verbally receiving love, I did feel that it was being exchanged strongly in other ways. I spent about 3 weeks apart from the man in question, and we slowly ended up back in our relationship in question… I am feeling assertive and confident this time around.

    It’s funny how much your voice from this forum has been in my head throughout the last few months. So many things you remarked on, have proven to ring true. I see the fear and insecurity that is blocking him from opening up to me now more than ever. I’m still not sure that he sees a future with me, but I feel at peace with that now. There are definitely the 5 A’s in our relationship: attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. There is not a capital C for commitment, but it’s been so different to just see a relationship unfold naturally without any need to put it in a tidy little box with a red bow. I feel so different expressing exactly who I am now and how I feel and asserting myself when I am upset.

    We’ve had two incidents that have proven to me that there have been changes. He got upset over something small but ended up getting frustrated and questioned my desire to spend time with him. I now see that a lot of his upset comes from a place of insecurity. I got upset because was harsh with me and got emotional. In the past he would’ve been uncomfortable and made me feel like my emotions were unwelcome. During this incident he hugged me and kissed me and told me he had spoken harshly and it was his fault. Taking blame and acknowledging my emotions! Huge.

    He seems to work daily to acknowledge his gratitude for my presence in his life. That he appreciates me, that he wants to be there for me. He has been asking a lot about whether I am seeing other men and seems quite worried about this prospect. Lately he has been especially romantic, taking me on dates, taking time off of work for me, visiting me at my house in the morning, putting on movies that always seem to have a romantic undertone. Where he used to be critical of me for something he is now kind. This past weekend we took a walk through a park we went to on our first date over a year ago. He said to me “I really like you, have I ever told you this?” I told him he’d never said that and I appreciate it greatly. I feel like he’s always trying to express more but he can’t. While we were in said park, I saw a young guy with sparkling water that I like and I said “look it’s my dream man”..as a joke and he said “you’re right, he’s reading and he has emotions, all you want is a man who can express his emotions, and I can’t even say the word emotion”. It was all very telling of how insecure he feels about how he isn’t expressive. He’s divulged more of his childhood and how expressing oneself was not encouraged, music was not played and everything had to be strictly business for the most part. There are so many things bottled up inside of him. I’m just waiting for the explosion.

    I don’t really know what’s happening this time around, but I feel something coming. I feel like I want to stick around for it and I don’t feel worried anymore. I really want a love that will give back, and I feel like maybe this could. Even if it doesn’t, it’s been a lovely lovely ride.

    It’s so strange, every time I feel like we’re at a stalemate, the pieces move in the most extraordinary ways, and I have to come up with a whole new strategy. It’s just hard to trust what I feel sometimes. I don’t want to fool myself.

    I don’t know if this all makes my naive and weak and silly, but I have a little sliver of hope yet.

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