Dear Hector:

You are very protective of your mother, portraying her in the best light, with understanding and  sympathy: “she has been kind mostly, except for some yelling when she was distressed (and probably depressed)”- mostly kind, except when she yells. excusing her yelling by stating there was an understandable reason for her to yell: her distress, her depression.. (and having an odd man for a husband, one who will not wash his own laundry, and who snores in front of the TV, etc., etc.)

“I don’t think she can be called oppressive. More entitled” – sounds better to refer to her as entitled than as oppressive, a less negative adjective. You are trying to show your mother as positively as possible.

“she means well. She’s just not aware”- being unaware sounds less negative than having bad intentions.

“And her sister,, are .. all a bit like this“- it’s not just her, it’s all of them- makes her look not as bad than if she was the only one.. like this.

Seeing your mother in the most positive way possible for you makes it easier for you to live with her. It is very, very common for children, of minor age and adults, to be very protective of their parent’s image. It is especially true to children who suffered in their childhood because of their parent’s behavior- to protect their parent’s image and present them in the best possible light.

Problem is that a child’s image is very much connected to his parent’s image (I am using parent as a singular, referring to the dominant parent in the household), so when you hold on to an incorrect, overly positive image of your mother, you are also holding on to an incorrect, overly negative image of yourself.

You excused your mother’s yelling by saying that she yells because she is distressed and depressed, but you didn’t excuse or explain your heightened sexual activity as a child because you were distressed or depressed. You may assign your mother’s misbehavior to having an inadequate husband, but you didn’t assign your sexual misbehavior to having an.. complaining, disapproving, overly critical mother.

* The “sign to move on”, I believe at this point, is to see your mother accurately, and in so doing, you will see yourself correctly, and when that happens, the image you will see of yourself is way, way better than what you’ve seen so far, for so long.

I am not focused enough to  continue our communication today. You are welcome to post to me and if you do, I will reply further to you tomorrow morning, in about 16 hours from now.

anita