Joe, it does sound like you have a lot of shame and anxiety about this relationship with A. I wonder if the inner voice you hear is telling you that you are the third wheel. It sounds like scapegoating when you write that A says you have to figure everything out before she can be with just you. Maybe your role is something different with this woman than you assume it to be. Normal is not necessarily a real thing but it sounds like you long for true intimacy. While you talk with this woman on the phone, your emotional tank does not get filled in this relationship because there is this side in which you watch or listen to her with other men. To me, I hear that it negates your self image and self esteem. I could be wrong but it doesn’t sound healthy to me. And I mean healthy in the emotional sense, forget about the sexual sense. What you like you like but you don’t sound happy about the entire thing. That you are made or forced to watch A pleasure another man seems highly manipulative to me, especially since you have uncomfortable and unhappy feelings about it. Insane is a loaded word and a bad label. It doesn’t sound insane to me in the way you use that word, but it sounds like you feel hurt by this relationship and can’t figure out why. What if this is the relationship A wants to have? How much longer can you be her second or third or always not good enough to her? A normal relationship is a partnership and hopefully physical and emotional intimacy. This just doesn’t sound like that is what you have with A. It is like you are her pet monkey, not her one true love, and not even her best friend because it sounds like you feel devalued and demeaned with how this all feels. Of course, it feels okay some of the time, it might be like a drug. As long as you are in what you consider a dysfunctional relationship, your mind is not free and clear to find someone else, someone who can offer you a real partnership and total intimacy. Perhaps sitting down and writing out how you feel, list the words with no judgement. Just write. Figure out how you do feel. Examine the things you say to yourself or if you put yourself down. Sometimes we think the current bad relationship is all we deserve or all we will ever find. These are fallacies and not true.